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the mondayest
May. 12th, 2025 03:00 pm- I mentioned there is a road that's kind of iffy and down to one lane, because the shoulder & guardrail washed out a bit
- there is a sinkhole at one of our schools
- there is a sinkhole at one of our schools
fern
clover
white/purple violets
bluets (aka shaker ladies)
moss
(dandelions)
healall and/or bugleweed
Things I did plant at some point:
pink forget me not
crimson clover
sweet william
black eyed susan
-----
This is why I don't comprehend people's expensive lawns.
clover
white/purple violets
bluets (aka shaker ladies)
moss
(dandelions)
healall and/or bugleweed
Things I did plant at some point:
pink forget me not
crimson clover
sweet william
black eyed susan
-----
This is why I don't comprehend people's expensive lawns.
my last coupla days
May. 12th, 2025 07:58 am- Today is monday. a VERY monday. I'll tell ya later about some of the insanity at work except that the state highway that we use to get to work is at risk of washing out again. The guardrail is ushaped because that part of the ground sank/collapsed a bit from flood damage. It's right by a river.
- yesterday was mother's day: dan brought me coffee and a cookie in bed, and anka said 'let's go visit my new house and then go to the french pastry store' and we did that but along the way visited a farmer's market (there were fiddles!). I picked up cold brew & bagel-with-lox kits to make for dinner, and a chocolate-coconut pasty and a sausage-potato pasty. (At my last trip we got bread, cheese, vermouth, granola, sorrel, and IDEK what else. Also at the last one we chatted with the Worm Castings guy and the mushroom guy and some of the sheep people and a tea lady). In the afternoon, it was cool but sunny, so I attacked the acorns - I ended up with probably 10 gallon-bowls' worth of them, and there are many more. And I added more seeds (and warned dan not to weed and he said 'oh no') because by the time I got rid of all the acorns and hosta/daylily husks from last year there wasn't really any mulch and the front bed honestly needed some erosion control. I used some of the NH perennial mix, but the zinnia/cosmos combo might help too.
- Saturday was rainy - i took meg & her buddy to a coffeeshop and took ty to prom for 45 minutes! I gave him the task: appreciate 3 outfits and eat some food. He did those things, felt good about how he looked, and didn't get too overhwlemed, so I'll take it. We had ended up ordering from amazon on like, wednesday, and I picked up trousers at walmart Saturday morning.
- Friday I had to go to a statewide conference on homelessness. 2 hour drive each way. The conference was fine, the location was nice.
- Thursday I worked late because i was invited to participate in a Poster Abstract session and it was kind of cool. Then I realized, in retrospect, that technically I'm an author on that thing, for a symposium on rural health, held by an ivy league school. I had bad imposter syndrome about being there but then I remembered not only did they ask but the main person was sick so it was like, please can you go alice, so ...it's not like I'm trying to be "too big for my breeches."
(no subject)
May. 2nd, 2025 09:03 am You know what else?
While I'm decluttering (all KINDS of feelings about that) to the "Bagster" I'm like 'what about these toys' and while it's really hard to say goodbye to that and move on, ..
- it's not easy to donate toys - most places by me don't accept used toys, and while I COULD make a concerted effort to find homes for things, I have to make more progress here.
- most of them aren't handmedown quality.
- even if they were, I'm pretty sure my kids aren't going to have their own kids.
- even if they do, they don't want us saying 'here's some cute stuff from when you were 5."
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday!
And re: mom's writing:
- I tried to commit to publishing her books that she was working on.
- i couldn't make sense of her organization and what was ready and where.
- I would like to do that for her, but I don't think I can. And her computer died, but the usbs and external HD and google docs exist, but each chapter is pretty much its own thing with lots of rewrites.
- Anyway I am throwing out a lot of the notes but keeping some.
I'll miss you like a child misses their blanket but I've got to get a move on with my life. -- why is THAT corny song the right one for this?
While I'm decluttering (all KINDS of feelings about that) to the "Bagster" I'm like 'what about these toys' and while it's really hard to say goodbye to that and move on, ..
- it's not easy to donate toys - most places by me don't accept used toys, and while I COULD make a concerted effort to find homes for things, I have to make more progress here.
- most of them aren't handmedown quality.
- even if they were, I'm pretty sure my kids aren't going to have their own kids.
- even if they do, they don't want us saying 'here's some cute stuff from when you were 5."
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday!
And re: mom's writing:
- I tried to commit to publishing her books that she was working on.
- i couldn't make sense of her organization and what was ready and where.
- I would like to do that for her, but I don't think I can. And her computer died, but the usbs and external HD and google docs exist, but each chapter is pretty much its own thing with lots of rewrites.
- Anyway I am throwing out a lot of the notes but keeping some.
I'll miss you like a child misses their blanket but I've got to get a move on with my life. -- why is THAT corny song the right one for this?
just gonna send it
May. 1st, 2025 08:52 pmdan always quotes that guy and i guess it's a snowmobile guy. he finally sent me the video. a redneck masterpiece.
---
anyway I just went for it and scattered seeds tonight - temps are staying above freezing in the foreseeable future, but if I am wrong, I still have plenty of some seeds left. (except, spoiler, I gave the rest of my clover to the new neighbor in the process of making conversation. Plus I was done Casting Aspersions i mean casting seeds.for the day. So hopefully these won't die because I gave the seeds away.)
I did the crimson clover on the south semi-shade hillside that the kitchen window looks at where there was bare soil, and in some other patches where the grass wasn't coming in (like where the town put the fiber line in) - since clover is supposed to help the soil, seems like an ok plan.
And where the septic tank lid is, we had a massive flower patch there but it was down to bare soil too because of the digging, so I used a lot of the 'new hampshire mix' in that patch. (Also I randomly planted some spare strawberries nearby one year and so there are random strawberries there).
last, in the front yard, we already have 2 excellent patches, from last year, but there was another one that was more haphazard -- there were so many acorns though and some were taking root, so I raked those out, and lo, another bare patch of soil.... so it was time to use some of the 2 pounds of zinnias & cosmos.
I did a few (literally, like 6 seeds or clusters thereof) of celery, beets, peas, and basil in our old container bed after refilling the soil.
Also caught some bugs with megan because she's making a Terrarium at school tomorrow and wanted a cute bug to put in it. This little beetle guy is named blake. The spider was named cynthia 2 but meg let her free because carnivores gotta eat. And I got startled by a very large toad in the kayak (while I was trying to get the hose ready).
So, I didn't get the hose, because toad startled me.
I didn't water my seeds tonight, but I think it will rain pretty soon.
i was supposed to go to rotary and help with the community garden tonight, but tired, dan out of town, and wanted to do my own. I semi-napped in the sun for a bit instead.
---
anyway I just went for it and scattered seeds tonight - temps are staying above freezing in the foreseeable future, but if I am wrong, I still have plenty of some seeds left. (except, spoiler, I gave the rest of my clover to the new neighbor in the process of making conversation. Plus I was done Casting Aspersions i mean casting seeds.for the day. So hopefully these won't die because I gave the seeds away.)
I did the crimson clover on the south semi-shade hillside that the kitchen window looks at where there was bare soil, and in some other patches where the grass wasn't coming in (like where the town put the fiber line in) - since clover is supposed to help the soil, seems like an ok plan.
And where the septic tank lid is, we had a massive flower patch there but it was down to bare soil too because of the digging, so I used a lot of the 'new hampshire mix' in that patch. (Also I randomly planted some spare strawberries nearby one year and so there are random strawberries there).
last, in the front yard, we already have 2 excellent patches, from last year, but there was another one that was more haphazard -- there were so many acorns though and some were taking root, so I raked those out, and lo, another bare patch of soil.... so it was time to use some of the 2 pounds of zinnias & cosmos.
I did a few (literally, like 6 seeds or clusters thereof) of celery, beets, peas, and basil in our old container bed after refilling the soil.
Also caught some bugs with megan because she's making a Terrarium at school tomorrow and wanted a cute bug to put in it. This little beetle guy is named blake. The spider was named cynthia 2 but meg let her free because carnivores gotta eat. And I got startled by a very large toad in the kayak (while I was trying to get the hose ready).
So, I didn't get the hose, because toad startled me.
I didn't water my seeds tonight, but I think it will rain pretty soon.
i was supposed to go to rotary and help with the community garden tonight, but tired, dan out of town, and wanted to do my own. I semi-napped in the sun for a bit instead.
(no subject)
May. 1st, 2025 08:47 amthe lil voice in my head is trying to be helpful these days and saying "yeah but your'e doing your best!" every time my default is to shrink down and say "i shoulda this, maybe this was wrong, idk what I'm doing"
stealing some time
May. 1st, 2025 07:56 amHello!
I've worked extra hours this week partly to catch up, partly because of car appointment & kid internship taking me away from work, and mostly because it's HR Busy Time. I finished 2 major projects and put most of the other stuff to the side to get the projects done, and they're clean and worked well. I'm pleased and crossing my fingers.
i will go into it a bit: Health Insurance Open Enrollment, and it is VERY complicated and the-word-that-means-old-and-complicated (not draconian? not antidiluvian? not baroque? one of those words, means a maze of paperwork and a maze of it). Anyway we have 3 classes of employees, 2 classes have the 3 insurance options but class C has 2 of the same options and a 3rd cheaper plan. within each of the 9 plan/class groups are up to 5 subgroups based on hours worked. so, to explain what peoples choices are and what it would cost, was a whole thing I was working on. So instead of a paper document (which would have to be 3 different ones anyway), this year we are trying a google form. I wrote it. I ended up with a google form with 4 different levels of choose your own adventure: class, hours, and whether you want no coverage, 1, 2, or more people on insurance and then what your 3 plans would cost or what your opt-out would be. And it had to be in that order because even the opt-outs change based on hours. So i had to verify all the rates (twice) and the skip-logic in the form, and make sure that we can interpret the form results.
Also - contracts for 450 employees. the first batch is OUT and they are all signed except the ones who actually told us they weren't going to sign because they're moving -- and this is all through csv & pandadocs, & updated spreadsheets, & etc.
--
I have a whole shitton of other work things to do because I was working on these things, but I'm rewarding myself with a breath this morning and writing here. I also rewarded myself yesterday with reclaiming desk space & doing some filing, organizing piles, etc.
---
Other Nice Things: listening to some classical music and being like "I've played that!" I forget that a lot of the time, that I COULD play in orchestras and do okay. I was looking into getting back into that and it's more of a long-term goal, like empty-nest time in 5 years.
---
The Pool Pit & Wildflower Pit: So, the pool is 90% removed; what remains is a level patch of sand in a circle. I had some ideas about what could go there -- even though I miss the pool already, I've been trying to think of alternatives that would be less work for Dan but still enjoyable. Thoughts have been greenhouse, semi-formal garden (geometric with pathways), apple tree, swing. I'm trying to be realistic about maintenance, cost, and 'not-rushing-in' because I would have already bought some raised beds. Where we're at now is, dan, can you build me 4 triangular-shaped wooden raised beds? And I think I might look into a screened gazebo structure because the pool deck has been a happy place for me, and if we can screen that against bugs we can continue to enjoy it where it is. Anka floated ideas about moving it, but again, I would like to enjoy SOMETHING in that area literally this summer and not plan everything for a future date. (And I can get the swing up there too!) That's one holdup about asking dan to build something. Some days he goes RIGHT to building, other times he leaves holes in the wall for over 2 years.
Wildflower Pit: I shouldn't call it that, but we have 3 patches in the yard we cleared for wildflowers over the years, and they get riotous. One was over the septic tank, because when we get it dug up we just gotta reseed the wildflowers that year and it's a cheap fix. I get American Meadows blends, which usually include annuals and perennials. I accidentally bought 1 pound each of zinnia and cosmos - i thought it was a pound combined, but 1 pound each is a LOT of seeds. I was hoping I could toss these into the pool pit sand, but it is LITERALLY sand for several inches down. Sigh. (Anyone want me to send you some?). Anyway, i suspect last night was last risk of frost - overnight temps not going below 50 for the next week!
I want to cavalierly do things like get 'pollinator garden' signs, and buy the swing, and screened pergola or whatever I'm doing, but also, I have already mentioned the costs of this summer (camp & college). Also I picked up a "bagster" to get rid of clutter & pool debris - cheap, but requires pickup. Also tires last week. ARGH
--
I've worked extra hours this week partly to catch up, partly because of car appointment & kid internship taking me away from work, and mostly because it's HR Busy Time. I finished 2 major projects and put most of the other stuff to the side to get the projects done, and they're clean and worked well. I'm pleased and crossing my fingers.
i will go into it a bit: Health Insurance Open Enrollment, and it is VERY complicated and the-word-that-means-old-and-complicated (not draconian? not antidiluvian? not baroque? one of those words, means a maze of paperwork and a maze of it). Anyway we have 3 classes of employees, 2 classes have the 3 insurance options but class C has 2 of the same options and a 3rd cheaper plan. within each of the 9 plan/class groups are up to 5 subgroups based on hours worked. so, to explain what peoples choices are and what it would cost, was a whole thing I was working on. So instead of a paper document (which would have to be 3 different ones anyway), this year we are trying a google form. I wrote it. I ended up with a google form with 4 different levels of choose your own adventure: class, hours, and whether you want no coverage, 1, 2, or more people on insurance and then what your 3 plans would cost or what your opt-out would be. And it had to be in that order because even the opt-outs change based on hours. So i had to verify all the rates (twice) and the skip-logic in the form, and make sure that we can interpret the form results.
Also - contracts for 450 employees. the first batch is OUT and they are all signed except the ones who actually told us they weren't going to sign because they're moving -- and this is all through csv & pandadocs, & updated spreadsheets, & etc.
--
I have a whole shitton of other work things to do because I was working on these things, but I'm rewarding myself with a breath this morning and writing here. I also rewarded myself yesterday with reclaiming desk space & doing some filing, organizing piles, etc.
---
Other Nice Things: listening to some classical music and being like "I've played that!" I forget that a lot of the time, that I COULD play in orchestras and do okay. I was looking into getting back into that and it's more of a long-term goal, like empty-nest time in 5 years.
---
The Pool Pit & Wildflower Pit: So, the pool is 90% removed; what remains is a level patch of sand in a circle. I had some ideas about what could go there -- even though I miss the pool already, I've been trying to think of alternatives that would be less work for Dan but still enjoyable. Thoughts have been greenhouse, semi-formal garden (geometric with pathways), apple tree, swing. I'm trying to be realistic about maintenance, cost, and 'not-rushing-in' because I would have already bought some raised beds. Where we're at now is, dan, can you build me 4 triangular-shaped wooden raised beds? And I think I might look into a screened gazebo structure because the pool deck has been a happy place for me, and if we can screen that against bugs we can continue to enjoy it where it is. Anka floated ideas about moving it, but again, I would like to enjoy SOMETHING in that area literally this summer and not plan everything for a future date. (And I can get the swing up there too!) That's one holdup about asking dan to build something. Some days he goes RIGHT to building, other times he leaves holes in the wall for over 2 years.
Wildflower Pit: I shouldn't call it that, but we have 3 patches in the yard we cleared for wildflowers over the years, and they get riotous. One was over the septic tank, because when we get it dug up we just gotta reseed the wildflowers that year and it's a cheap fix. I get American Meadows blends, which usually include annuals and perennials. I accidentally bought 1 pound each of zinnia and cosmos - i thought it was a pound combined, but 1 pound each is a LOT of seeds. I was hoping I could toss these into the pool pit sand, but it is LITERALLY sand for several inches down. Sigh. (Anyone want me to send you some?). Anyway, i suspect last night was last risk of frost - overnight temps not going below 50 for the next week!
I want to cavalierly do things like get 'pollinator garden' signs, and buy the swing, and screened pergola or whatever I'm doing, but also, I have already mentioned the costs of this summer (camp & college). Also I picked up a "bagster" to get rid of clutter & pool debris - cheap, but requires pickup. Also tires last week. ARGH
--
lookout, the meds kicking in
Apr. 28th, 2025 07:42 am- I have been reading "the year I met my brain" (and when I take breaks from that, the Valdemar trilogy, Mickey 7, and and some Dennis Taylor stuff and now I want to see the movie Mickey 17 even though it will be very different from book). When I'm not being fascinated by Aus accents - seriously, it seems like it'd be so much work to talk that way, rolling each word around - and being a little bummed, I am enjoying and relating to the book. Ty heard some of it and thought "it me." It's written by a journalist who was adult-diagnosed. It's funny but also has science. For me the science is helpful because if it's a subjective experience, I can yell at myself about willpower, but if it's a literal structural problem in the brain I don't have to yell meanly about it. It's also led to me, roommate Anka, and Dan talking about our very different experiences with motivation & overwhelm. Anyway there are 200 documented scientific things in ADHD that there is a consensus about, even though the experience itself can appear differently. And I am bringing it up now because I started this post with the title about the meds, because I take adderall now that we feel pretty confident about the old ticker, and Anka used to take adderall, so I loaned her one and she should not take it ever again. But it works for me. I generally don't feel more hyper or paranoid or anxious - generally I'm more sharklike and go forwards and barriers to getting started on things are lower. And that second part is the clinical thing - I had to listen to some chapters twice to understand and remember (har har) but the dopamine & norephinephrine shortage in ADHD brains primarily lead to a challenge with motivation & novelty seeking. That kind of thing. And for some reason stimulants CAN (but don't always) help with that. That said, I won't drink this third cup of coffee right now, or I will be more hyper than is good for me.
- Maine was pretty good! I will hopefully write more about it later. It was beautiful, cold but sunny, we had fun looking for shells & walking along the water. I'm 90% sure we saw a seal in the. distance - I have a photo and when zoomed in, there is a bird that is not a bird.
- The other thing I want to babble about (but must get going here at work) is that we went to Accepted Students Day for college. Dan, who is a real quiet, monosyllabic feller mostly, was all smiles and told Anka "there hasn't been a single negative experience with that place besides the price." So, if you have neurodivergent kiddos who are getting older, and you think Vermont is a nice place, I think they do have summer programs for middle schoolers as well as associates, online, and BA options (it's Landmark College btw).
- I have many stories, hopes, & thoughts about college, but one quick one I'll share is that my undergrad was really special and I find myself so happy that T can have experiences like that.
- AND. In related news. I probably said this but it's clear in my head now: one reason I think he needs to go to school is to make IRL friends. And the reason he needs to do that is to have a family that is not your bio family basically in case of emergency and also for quality of life. To which I say to you, thanks for being friends & family! <3
- Their mascot is the Shark, and raise your hand if you assumed it is because nerdy founders liked the "landshark" routine on SNL.
(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2025 09:09 am- Daughter's recent video got 17K views? and positive comments? (It's an art thing) She's amused that this is taking off compared to her other stuff. It's 'more spooky' renditions of characters from a popular roblox game. She is not getting all obsessed with the stats.
- We got a Button Maker. If anyone wants custom buttons/pins, let us know. She made a bunch already because she is *scene* and 12
- Content warning: rainbow baby --- ( Read more... )
Also we worked on another group of scholarships yesterday. Fingers crossed.
Also he has Accepted Students Day on saturday and I really wanna know the schedule but honestly, I can lay off and just get him there when he needs to be there. We'll figure it out. I am proud of not emailing admissions lady with this question.
Also today I have:
- a working lunch, but am having second thoughts about it
- car appt at 3 for oxygen sensor replacement - guess what, it's covered up to 70K miles, and I'm at 69K miles!
- drive to maine afterwards
- Stuff to Do for work!! bye
(no subject)
Apr. 21st, 2025 07:51 am I posted about Dan's hike for a few reasons:
- I am very proud of him for being interested in this kind of thing, and for training for years so that he can just do it.
- It is freaking beautiful here for I'd say 10 months of the year. I am a border collie, in that I want all my people together, but if that's not possible you can at least see the pictures & enjoy the beauty with me ;) (Note, I am also a border collie in that without my brain engaged or a task to do, I get wacky)
- Then there is the wife stuff that is more complicated, but what I was thinking about:
- he is always full of gratitude for letting him do this stuff and be gone for these long hikes. And I really want to give him that gift of time to do it, and he would let me go off and do my own thing in an equitable way. I don't (can't) hike like he can, but to him, if I want to go on a girls' trip or whatever, it's just as fair for me to go as it is for him.
- I do have to pick up the slack with the kids, but the secret thing is that I do that anyway. He just doesn't have the same automatic "what does everyone else need" scan that I have. He waits for them to ask, and they don't always ask him for what they need (food. Laundry. company). So when he's gone, it CAN be a struggle to Do All The Things, but also at home I'm still captain and he's a lieutenant (at least in Star Trek speak): Willing to do things, but has less of the border collie about him.
- That isn't necessarily a good thing in me - to have the manic 'I can't relax until my have-to's are done, so what do people need right now' - but it is me, and a thing I work to calm down sometimes.
- Sometimes he gets back and if it's been chaotic he's like "I shouldn't have gone" and I don't like that either. It's just - maybe sometimes, not 8-12 hour trips, but most of the time the chaos would happen anyway. (Uually meg mental health). So if I can tell the Vibes Are Off, I should maybe say 'not so long, this time' but I can't usually tell ahead of time.
- Anywho. I was feeling a LITTLE bit resentful because there's all of what I was just describing, and then the context of: summer camp, vacations, my car, college, meg mental health, ty independence, mom estate, the mental load that I manage because his brain can't do most of that (I could have delegated my car problems to him).
- He's been cleaning up the pool debris* and mentions how to get rid of it and not being sure and what to do with the space and And I'm still sad about the pool collapsing I finally had to tell him I have no brainspace for that. I'm willing to daydream about what we COULD do, but I don't have any spoons for details like 'where to put these railings, and can we throw them away? Do we need to take them to the dump' [for which he doesn't have a pass and was like 'we don't need them for both cars] [i am getting him a pass to the dump, i'm tired of being the 'you're always out anyway so...']
- *Important: that is the tradeoff, and one reason I feel like our relationship is balanced "enough." I do not have the energy or spoons for things like 'taking the broken pool apart' or leaf blowing or washing the windows or putting the screens in. He and Anka keep up with the dishes (having a helpful friend living with you is Strongly Recommended)! Anyway he does the physical house maintenance. And that's literally as important as the crap I do with my brain to keep the family running smoothly.
- So, bottom line, there isn't any real drama with this, other than acknowledging that sometimes the balance shifts and doesn't feel QUITE fair, but that's a sometimes issue and only threat-level-yellow, not orange or red.
- And I don't think I'm deluding myself or talking myself into thinking it's enough. I think it really mostly, but sometimes it dips, and it's not easy.
- And I should get him a pass so he can take debris to the dump.
(no subject)
Apr. 18th, 2025 12:33 pmHusband is just walking from a mountain by my work to the Big Mountain in the city to the south - about 23 miles total!
https://www.msgtc.org/2018/01/08/pics-from-hiking-friends/ ;
pretty cool.
may 1 he does his 24 hour race so she's doing a 10 hr hike to train...
https://www.msgtc.org/2018/01/08/pics-from-hiking-friends/ ;
pretty cool.
may 1 he does his 24 hour race so she's doing a 10 hr hike to train...
(no subject)
Apr. 16th, 2025 09:07 am I've decided the haircut is Meg Ryan-y. I like this, although sometimes it just looks crazy. It is Tiny Pony-tailable with enough in the front for graceful swoops of the front bit.
Coworker brought in fresh apple-cider donuts (still warm).
---
This project I'm working on, it's like a long hike - you feel like the goal is so far away, and you're not making any progress - bu then you realize it was progress all the same, and that so many new discoveries along the way made it feel slow, and I don't have any other metaphors for this.
But same with my commitment to self-care - I'm making progress. I told my therapist about some of the things, and now I'm like, seeing that I have made more time for myself. like with the project.
Coworker brought in fresh apple-cider donuts (still warm).
---
This project I'm working on, it's like a long hike - you feel like the goal is so far away, and you're not making any progress - bu then you realize it was progress all the same, and that so many new discoveries along the way made it feel slow, and I don't have any other metaphors for this.
But same with my commitment to self-care - I'm making progress. I told my therapist about some of the things, and now I'm like, seeing that I have made more time for myself. like with the project.
Couple of Gentle Things
Apr. 15th, 2025 07:34 amYesterday Joye texted me a cute thing about 'remember, you are one of the things to take care of this week' and it was one of those deals where I nearly shed a single tear.
However! Yesterday I took the day off. I had a quasi-work related thing in the morning - and honestly I didn't want to argue about it or figure out if it was truly work related - and then glasses appt, and then haircut.
My glasses now got a little squished and the antiglare coating makes them extra prone to blurrring. However the ones I ordered have a different antiglare, and they're more of a nerdchic black plastic (but with white spots, like a clouded leopard inverted).
My goal for my glasses and hair were:
- look neither older than I am nor younger
- aim for slightly artsty but not too much
I think this was achieved.
Hair: I like my new person, this was my second go-round with her. I asked for bangs and she did some real talk with me - not exactly talking me out of it, but the "okay how often do you want to wash it, get it cut, style it,..." kinds of questions that make me realize hm, maybe not the right path.
However we did some of the angled around the face and a ton of choppy layers. Although the last layer down is shoulder length, we ended up getting rid of like, a whole wig's worth of bulk.
Also, I went to an art museum (that is mostly HAPPY!? and not terrifying or sad?! this is my second time visiting this particular place and both times we found whimsy and delight and 'whoa, that's interesting.' ) with Anka and we looked at 2 houses that are kind of nestled in my soul. One is a cottage on a river and it used to be a mill. It's so charming. The other is 2 houses, and the back house is where she'd live and she'd rent the front. It's on a quiet main road (hey, it's rural vt) with a ravine in the back.
She's anxious about her offers getting accepted but the riverfront property was in my dream last night.
I visited a closeout Joann store and got some moss for cheap to add to the fairy diorama thingy.
Also this morning when dropping off Ty at his internship (it's so weird, I go to work, then leave work & take him from school to his internship, then go back to work) I swung by a gourmet grocer and got a baguette and lunch and a cookie.
I have Le Spine Pain and it's been pretty bad for a bit (like, living on advil for a week) and I'm trying to manage it on my own and not succeeding, so I'm going to stop by walk-in care and see if they can refer me to PT or something.
I saw Minecraft movie with Meg and she thought it was dumb, and maybe it was - it was like a bedtime story improvised on the fly? - but it was also funny and cute. If you enjoy Jack Black's whole thing, then it works. Jason Momoa was very entertaining.
However! Yesterday I took the day off. I had a quasi-work related thing in the morning - and honestly I didn't want to argue about it or figure out if it was truly work related - and then glasses appt, and then haircut.
My glasses now got a little squished and the antiglare coating makes them extra prone to blurrring. However the ones I ordered have a different antiglare, and they're more of a nerdchic black plastic (but with white spots, like a clouded leopard inverted).
My goal for my glasses and hair were:
- look neither older than I am nor younger
- aim for slightly artsty but not too much
I think this was achieved.
Hair: I like my new person, this was my second go-round with her. I asked for bangs and she did some real talk with me - not exactly talking me out of it, but the "okay how often do you want to wash it, get it cut, style it,..." kinds of questions that make me realize hm, maybe not the right path.
However we did some of the angled around the face and a ton of choppy layers. Although the last layer down is shoulder length, we ended up getting rid of like, a whole wig's worth of bulk.
Also, I went to an art museum (that is mostly HAPPY!? and not terrifying or sad?! this is my second time visiting this particular place and both times we found whimsy and delight and 'whoa, that's interesting.' ) with Anka and we looked at 2 houses that are kind of nestled in my soul. One is a cottage on a river and it used to be a mill. It's so charming. The other is 2 houses, and the back house is where she'd live and she'd rent the front. It's on a quiet main road (hey, it's rural vt) with a ravine in the back.
She's anxious about her offers getting accepted but the riverfront property was in my dream last night.
I visited a closeout Joann store and got some moss for cheap to add to the fairy diorama thingy.
Also this morning when dropping off Ty at his internship (it's so weird, I go to work, then leave work & take him from school to his internship, then go back to work) I swung by a gourmet grocer and got a baguette and lunch and a cookie.
I have Le Spine Pain and it's been pretty bad for a bit (like, living on advil for a week) and I'm trying to manage it on my own and not succeeding, so I'm going to stop by walk-in care and see if they can refer me to PT or something.
I saw Minecraft movie with Meg and she thought it was dumb, and maybe it was - it was like a bedtime story improvised on the fly? - but it was also funny and cute. If you enjoy Jack Black's whole thing, then it works. Jason Momoa was very entertaining.
the only way out is through
Apr. 8th, 2025 03:15 pmi mean, maybe. IDK if my subject line is true.
----
I didn't yet write about this, but I went to the protest in the state capitol by myself.. Aw, my first protest. It was a generally positive (but cold & rainy) experience. I wandered around for an hour holding my sign and umbrella, admiring other people's signs, and various 'people taking picture' actives. I am only aware of being in 2 stranger's photos. I have all kinds of alarm bells like, if They know you were there, there might be Consequences. But it's pretty unlikely and also maybe worth it. I am not sure if protesting is 'gonna DO anything' but tell ya what, it sure makes me feel better to see all the nationwide protests and people at the statehouse and in small towns. Even if it's a risk.
For a while i was daydreaming about a brand called 'the liberal patriots' because even though us lefties don't wave the flag around as much, we pretty much love what our country stands for. Anyway my sign said: "parks, libraries, education, due process. checks and balances. diversity and civil rights. these are what made us great." and the Made is emphasized because it's past tense. Anywho other countries have these things, but I think these were world class features.
----
I feel self conscious for not trying harder to take the kids to ohio, but ty has a sore throat, and it's a 9 hour drive each way. It's not a matter of how much we care, and I hate to be like this, but if I go, I have to bring the kids, and manage them, and they didn't know her, and the grandparents are going to have enough going on. They might enjoy seeing the kids but said kids will NOT be at their best for this. I hope they forgive me. Eff it, I just left my MIL a message to see if it's important to her if they're there and if it is, we'll figure it out. I hope I'm not an asshole. I hope my message wasn't assholey. But I'm trying.
--
Work madness continues. it's exhausting. between superintendent search, towns researching whether they should leave, state & federal upheaval, and a new special problem involving our insurance that might happen (our insurer will close if a certain bill passes in the statehouse). Not to mention the usual 'contracts & open enrollment' stuff that would make it a busy time.
I am not loving the uncertainty with it. I ran out of brain for what I was going to try to do, hence I'm here writing.
I like how during Covid we gave ourselves time to be sad & checked out.
And, look, I'm going to give myself some permission to do that too - to be sad, and to check out sometimes.
----
I didn't yet write about this, but I went to the protest in the state capitol by myself.. Aw, my first protest. It was a generally positive (but cold & rainy) experience. I wandered around for an hour holding my sign and umbrella, admiring other people's signs, and various 'people taking picture' actives. I am only aware of being in 2 stranger's photos. I have all kinds of alarm bells like, if They know you were there, there might be Consequences. But it's pretty unlikely and also maybe worth it. I am not sure if protesting is 'gonna DO anything' but tell ya what, it sure makes me feel better to see all the nationwide protests and people at the statehouse and in small towns. Even if it's a risk.
For a while i was daydreaming about a brand called 'the liberal patriots' because even though us lefties don't wave the flag around as much, we pretty much love what our country stands for. Anyway my sign said: "parks, libraries, education, due process. checks and balances. diversity and civil rights. these are what made us great." and the Made is emphasized because it's past tense. Anywho other countries have these things, but I think these were world class features.
----
I feel self conscious for not trying harder to take the kids to ohio, but ty has a sore throat, and it's a 9 hour drive each way. It's not a matter of how much we care, and I hate to be like this, but if I go, I have to bring the kids, and manage them, and they didn't know her, and the grandparents are going to have enough going on. They might enjoy seeing the kids but said kids will NOT be at their best for this. I hope they forgive me. Eff it, I just left my MIL a message to see if it's important to her if they're there and if it is, we'll figure it out. I hope I'm not an asshole. I hope my message wasn't assholey. But I'm trying.
--
Work madness continues. it's exhausting. between superintendent search, towns researching whether they should leave, state & federal upheaval, and a new special problem involving our insurance that might happen (our insurer will close if a certain bill passes in the statehouse). Not to mention the usual 'contracts & open enrollment' stuff that would make it a busy time.
I am not loving the uncertainty with it. I ran out of brain for what I was going to try to do, hence I'm here writing.
I like how during Covid we gave ourselves time to be sad & checked out.
And, look, I'm going to give myself some permission to do that too - to be sad, and to check out sometimes.
grandma in law
Apr. 6th, 2025 12:45 pmDan's grandma passed Friday night; he's going to head out for the funeral next week.
I'd like to, but I also don't want to bring the kids out for it, which means I maybe can't be there. Idk. I think it's meant to be a small gathering.
I think she'd forgive me. She's been ill for a long time and would be 100 in May, has had strokes, stopped eating, etc. So it's not unexpected.
I'd like to, but I also don't want to bring the kids out for it, which means I maybe can't be there. Idk. I think it's meant to be a small gathering.
I think she'd forgive me. She's been ill for a long time and would be 100 in May, has had strokes, stopped eating, etc. So it's not unexpected.
We used to visit fairly often. She was a cool little lady.
--
I thought about cancelling our spring break trip and using our time instead to go home to Cleveland for funeral, but that decision isn't one because It's too late to cancel the trip (no refund).
Also I booked a haircut, but we're getting the septic tank cleaned out, my car is yelling warnings at me, and it just seems like I shouldn't spend the money on 'highlights' right now.
internal family systems character
Apr. 6th, 2025 12:32 pmhi
my therapist does IFS therapy which is kind of identifying different roles in the brain and different parts of ourself, in order to get the parts in balance better. Sometimes I feel kinda silly because I give mine characterization just to make them clearer. I have likely written about the parts before.
One part I'd like to give a little credit to is my inner MC. I'm just this morning thinking how powerful and useful that sucker is. Mostly it came about as a way to defuse tense situations. The other thing it can do is Fight Depression. It takes actual work to stay out of depression as you may know, and this is my powerful little inner character who can seem like a flaky cheerleader, but is also more of a mastermind. I guess at its worst it's sneaky and manipulative, but is often very useful at "Work Events" or when meeting strangers, and again, she takes the reins when I'm starting to feel hopeless.
Anyway, just a little credit to her this morning, because she works hard.
my therapist does IFS therapy which is kind of identifying different roles in the brain and different parts of ourself, in order to get the parts in balance better. Sometimes I feel kinda silly because I give mine characterization just to make them clearer. I have likely written about the parts before.
One part I'd like to give a little credit to is my inner MC. I'm just this morning thinking how powerful and useful that sucker is. Mostly it came about as a way to defuse tense situations. The other thing it can do is Fight Depression. It takes actual work to stay out of depression as you may know, and this is my powerful little inner character who can seem like a flaky cheerleader, but is also more of a mastermind. I guess at its worst it's sneaky and manipulative, but is often very useful at "Work Events" or when meeting strangers, and again, she takes the reins when I'm starting to feel hopeless.
Anyway, just a little credit to her this morning, because she works hard.
(no subject)
Apr. 2nd, 2025 09:08 am someone on bluesky was saying how we need to act and I said and do what, though? does protesting or microdonation help?
Here is a link I found about what specifically to do
https://www.ifyoucankeepit.org/p/how-you-can-protect-democracy
Here is a link I found about what specifically to do
https://www.ifyoucankeepit.org/p/how-you-can-protect-democracy
cognitive load
Mar. 31st, 2025 02:32 pmBefore i get to the 'too much brain' I would like to share a quick update:
I did some work on the fairy garden over the weekend - shoveled out extra mulch & created a level base from an indoor-outdoor green rub (pretty smooth). It wasn't quite the right size but with creative trimming it fits.
Also put in some white picket fence to outline it. There is more to do (like, how will we make the river/pond? will we use a birdbath? resin? stones?)but it's a good base to begin from.
Asked the kids to draw the ideal map for what it SHOULD look ilke.
Passively washed the pieces we already have by putting them in a milk crate and leaving them in the rain. Dan's like, your stuff is getting rained on. I'm like 'I'm passively washing it.'
Pinterested some 'make it out of found/woodsy materials' projects so I don't have to spend money.
---
MONEY.
ok.
1. College. Pretty damn sure we have the plan for ty, hoping for a copule more scholarshps. Our out of pocket for 1 year right now is 55K but he did apply to local ones last week, and will apply for more this week. We will then do a loan for the difference. Then it gets complicated because financial advisor says he should get the loans in his name and I forget why. AND because the school we want to do is exclusively for people with disabilities it can be a medical tax deduction and I don't know if that helps us.
2. Over the weekend I set up a payment plan for our taxes, (that's gonna be $300/month for a year) filed my mom's 2024, and sent a letter to work on the 2023 issue. I also Did a Thing involving a mystery account my mom had, but listed my dad as beneficiary (so it hadn't been updated in 8 years) - a month back I tried to send his death cert in and nothing happened, so I just finally attempted to file a claim for him so I could at least report he's not with us on earth anymore. They keep sending him letters to complete his claim forms! I think I triggered the right actions though and was able to send in both certificates & they responded different documents for once. And now I loop in our accountant.
3. Summer camp: I am committed to sending both kids to at least a couple weeks of camp this year for various reasons. But the main one I want for Ty is very expensive. I've had this plan of "apply first, figure out the money second, and drop out if you can't do it.". Now we're in 'figure out the money" stages. Even if they go to the Easter Seals camp together it's 1500/per person/week. Ty might have some financial support through VR or disability services but meg's not on their rosters yet. If they helped cover ty's cost that helps out bottom line.
4. Also ... the pool. That's another chunk of change.
5. I did a student loan estimator for Ty.
6. My student loans from school concluding 20 years ago will be paid off in 2031, or possibly forgiven in 2027.
I did some work on the fairy garden over the weekend - shoveled out extra mulch & created a level base from an indoor-outdoor green rub (pretty smooth). It wasn't quite the right size but with creative trimming it fits.
Also put in some white picket fence to outline it. There is more to do (like, how will we make the river/pond? will we use a birdbath? resin? stones?)but it's a good base to begin from.
Asked the kids to draw the ideal map for what it SHOULD look ilke.
Passively washed the pieces we already have by putting them in a milk crate and leaving them in the rain. Dan's like, your stuff is getting rained on. I'm like 'I'm passively washing it.'
Pinterested some 'make it out of found/woodsy materials' projects so I don't have to spend money.
---
MONEY.
ok.
1. College. Pretty damn sure we have the plan for ty, hoping for a copule more scholarshps. Our out of pocket for 1 year right now is 55K but he did apply to local ones last week, and will apply for more this week. We will then do a loan for the difference. Then it gets complicated because financial advisor says he should get the loans in his name and I forget why. AND because the school we want to do is exclusively for people with disabilities it can be a medical tax deduction and I don't know if that helps us.
2. Over the weekend I set up a payment plan for our taxes, (that's gonna be $300/month for a year) filed my mom's 2024, and sent a letter to work on the 2023 issue. I also Did a Thing involving a mystery account my mom had, but listed my dad as beneficiary (so it hadn't been updated in 8 years) - a month back I tried to send his death cert in and nothing happened, so I just finally attempted to file a claim for him so I could at least report he's not with us on earth anymore. They keep sending him letters to complete his claim forms! I think I triggered the right actions though and was able to send in both certificates & they responded different documents for once. And now I loop in our accountant.
3. Summer camp: I am committed to sending both kids to at least a couple weeks of camp this year for various reasons. But the main one I want for Ty is very expensive. I've had this plan of "apply first, figure out the money second, and drop out if you can't do it.". Now we're in 'figure out the money" stages. Even if they go to the Easter Seals camp together it's 1500/per person/week. Ty might have some financial support through VR or disability services but meg's not on their rosters yet. If they helped cover ty's cost that helps out bottom line.
4. Also ... the pool. That's another chunk of change.
5. I did a student loan estimator for Ty.
6. My student loans from school concluding 20 years ago will be paid off in 2031, or possibly forgiven in 2027.
re-finding things to do
Mar. 28th, 2025 11:20 amBefore I begin, I have a tab open right now for Vermont Public Radio and one of the headlines is about how snuggling goats helps with anxiety and some farms are like, hell yeah you can pet the goats. And as a person who ALWAYS pets the goats when it's an option, I can tell you they seem to love it.
Oh! Also, on our last outing to the 'quarium, they explained that the reason the Rays are so playful and seem to actually seek out hands for underwater snuggles is that if they are very social animals and depending on how they're ray-sed (HAAHAHAH) they consider humans part of their squad or whatever. I think animals-enjoying-human-attention is endlessly fascinating.
Also, my family is really into switching letters around so I share this:
"When you're done pondering the orb, you can orbit the pond."
Anyway I was pondering lotsa things, especially 'what am i going to do for ME because I'm getting a little enmeshed in other people's lives". I have a couple plans on that.
1. Unfortunately severance the show is done for a while, so I can't immerse in that - but it also means I don't have a Show for better or worse.
2. I was working on crocheting with a Woobles kit, but not feeling great at it. Meanwhile Anka's knitting up lacy shawls because she's been knitting for 30 years. I used to knit, and we go to all these yarn stores. So here's my plan:
Oh! Also, on our last outing to the 'quarium, they explained that the reason the Rays are so playful and seem to actually seek out hands for underwater snuggles is that if they are very social animals and depending on how they're ray-sed (HAAHAHAH) they consider humans part of their squad or whatever. I think animals-enjoying-human-attention is endlessly fascinating.
Also, my family is really into switching letters around so I share this:
"When you're done pondering the orb, you can orbit the pond."
Anyway I was pondering lotsa things, especially 'what am i going to do for ME because I'm getting a little enmeshed in other people's lives". I have a couple plans on that.
1. Unfortunately severance the show is done for a while, so I can't immerse in that - but it also means I don't have a Show for better or worse.
2. I was working on crocheting with a Woobles kit, but not feeling great at it. Meanwhile Anka's knitting up lacy shawls because she's been knitting for 30 years. I used to knit, and we go to all these yarn stores. So here's my plan:
- I got 3 mini skeins of a nice juicy wool and the Right Size knitting needles. I am going to practice making squares (right now it's a row of 28 single knit). Maybe I'll crochet a square if I can do it properly, but the point is to practice, and get a sense of accomplishment from the small squares, and then someday I can combine them. (I might not have the patience for a whole blanket but maybe! And what's great is that it doesn't matter. I'm just making squares and don't need to be like 'i'll never finish this.')
- We are decluttering and now that the snow is gone I can rent a dumpster. I will do that.
- My EXCITING plan: we have a mulchy area under a carport thing that is protected from sun & rain & most wind. Nothing will grow there. So that's where I started putting fairy garden stuff a while back. And my winter fairy garden. Here's the plan:
- I'm going to remove the mulch as step one.
- Then i want to do like a train set kinda deal with weatherproof astroturf or something, and rocks/resin pools, whatever. That's going to give me an opportunity to make something wacky that isn't solely spending money on trinkets. But I can if i want to because fairy house stuff is cheap.
- And I can challenge myself to use found materials but I'm not good at doing those things yet.
- Also, people want me to hike with them. I will do what i can to join.
- Also in parenting news, we got Meg to join the Special Olympics swim team, first practice is in 3 weeks, so I hope she enjoys it and if she does that gives her something to DO on Saturdays which in turn will help me tremendously.
- I also signed up for the county democrats mailing list and will consider Going to Things for that, and the disability family support council.
I keep yelling "my root chakra!!!"
Mar. 24th, 2025 05:03 pmI hope that's okay to say. I mean it pretty literally but without a very good understanding.
It's the best way I have to express that my foundations have been unsteady for a little while.
I guess the whole ROOT CHAKRA thing is why the pool breaking is also a bummer. It's sad and it's a change in our home that I don't like. Another thing that happened without our agency.
I've adjusted my perceived foundation to include the "I used to have parents but now I don't, and they were complicated people" thing.
But there's a new Person in our house, who is awesome, but it's another adjustment. I'm almost there with it.
I have made it through the budget and I get to stick around again. Even though i'm not union, they're not likely to get rid of me without me anytime soon, and that's great.
EXCEPT, federal funding (going to go through HHS?). State funding (they're moving to support homeschooling/charters more). Local funding (town withdrawal studies but that takes a year and a vote at the end).
State laws are threatening our insurance TPA which they say they'd close at the end of the year. If our health insurance TPA went away, it would suckkkkk but I guess we'd work directly with the insurance co, and boss says it'd be 'job security' because there'd be a lot of questions and problems to solve.
So my job is like <shrug emoji> but my recent post also explains how I feel about it anyway - maybe I should go somewhere, but I don't have to go right now. I'm as secure as the average person, I guess, which is only 'kinda.'
It's the best way I have to express that my foundations have been unsteady for a little while.
I guess the whole ROOT CHAKRA thing is why the pool breaking is also a bummer. It's sad and it's a change in our home that I don't like. Another thing that happened without our agency.
I've adjusted my perceived foundation to include the "I used to have parents but now I don't, and they were complicated people" thing.
But there's a new Person in our house, who is awesome, but it's another adjustment. I'm almost there with it.
I have made it through the budget and I get to stick around again. Even though i'm not union, they're not likely to get rid of me without me anytime soon, and that's great.
EXCEPT, federal funding (going to go through HHS?). State funding (they're moving to support homeschooling/charters more). Local funding (town withdrawal studies but that takes a year and a vote at the end).
State laws are threatening our insurance TPA which they say they'd close at the end of the year. If our health insurance TPA went away, it would suckkkkk but I guess we'd work directly with the insurance co, and boss says it'd be 'job security' because there'd be a lot of questions and problems to solve.
So my job is like <shrug emoji> but my recent post also explains how I feel about it anyway - maybe I should go somewhere, but I don't have to go right now. I'm as secure as the average person, I guess, which is only 'kinda.'
