alicevangeline

It's a good metaphor, but it also works literally: one of the toughest things for me about moving on is leaving a garden I planted and designed. We made a rain/bog garden at the fairport house, for example, that I had been working on. I wonder how it's doing (if it's doing anything).

We created two beautiful flowerbeds this summer - I am so proud of their vibrant colors, and I think I chose perennials that are happy where I put them and are low-effort, should have different effects throughout the growing season, and be pollinator friendly. I want to see how that will grow, at least this year.

I'm also proud of the insanity of the meadow/wildflower patches, but that's ongoing. (I saved pictures in an album called "Chaos Gardening.")

Highly recommend chaos gardening during a season of grief, btw. (It involves throwing appropriate seeds wherever the fuck you want to and then observing what happens)

Thinkin bout moving:

Tomorrow we're going to look at one house on Popple Dungeon rd, and another on Frog Hollow. I am going to keep my excitement leashed, because of many many factors, but thought you guys would appreciate the names. (Popple dungeon apparently means, dark-like-a-dungeon-because-of-all-the-poplars) (It is what my kids would say is a good vocal stim)

I am not going to write everything going on in my head (for once) (Even though it helps me), but there was a recent thing on NHTOK that republican lawmakers in our state are literally trying to encourage leftists to leave by demoralizing us (someone was quoted, in those words). I have a lot of reactions to that news ranging from 'well now I don't want to, f u' to 'congrats, it worked, have fun reaping what you sowed.' I've probably written about the idealism of vermont (mostly) and how I want to be a part of that, about how brattleboro is a refugee center with pride flags everywhere, etc. I tell people that we were aiming for vermont when we moved, but we missed (although we can see it from the top of our hill). So. Houses in VT get a few points on my rubric. It would be more, but changing everything is a pain in the butt.

Why after all my babbling about moving slow are we looking at popple dungeon & frog hollow:

PD: it's not that far away, the property is 3 acres including a brook (THE DREAM), really cool/interesting inside, beauitful red exterior, gorgeous quiet area, but not a mud road. It just went down in price at the end of January. public school district is one that CGPT specially recommended after our chat about ignorance, overwhelm, and anxiety. It's located near a town that we like, and close to BB or Keene. Access to small town arts (literally main street arts).
FH: This one is in that resort community a ways away in southern vt. I could, in theory, keep doing my regular job if we hybridized it (which boss already told me he's open to. Boss also said he loves that area, so on a personal level I'd feel 'forgiven'). Nearest city is BB. Pretty far from Keene, but more centered in vt, access to mass, etc. There would be a learning/discovery curve here. But the specific house is reasonably priced and is a woodsy retreat with big windows and lots of log-cabiny features. (Honestly, there are lots of those around here but usually they're either real pricey or get snapped up). looks like it's not technically part of the HOA/resort, so IDK if we'd still have access to those amenities or could get them if we opted in, but the area is still awesome (even more thriving main street area, and a really great base to explore things, and close to a big lake).
Big victorian on main st in a small town - IDK, its' a deal, and its not too far away, and its' gorgeous, and it has containers for gardening.

Job-
I only have these things to say:
- i did some glassdoor research on the special ed teacher job which is way TF the other direction from those houses, and it probably wouldn't pay well enough to be worth the change, even with the signing bonus. Worth the phone call to discuss it though.
- I had a cardiologist appt this morning and had a wave of appreciation for the DH system (and the event coord. job would be in the DH system). So, warm fuzzies are nice. If I got that job, I could hybrid there from PD (or our current house).

Lizzie school:
- school wants to Meet regarding her crying every day (I'm kind of minimizing here, but. Shrug. I can't even.)

Cardiologist:
- Saw a new one for my annual checkup and she was awesome. we are going to do some testing to get the size of the avm and chck on some rhythm issues I have.

Finally:
- I got my digital scrapbooks and i'm obsessed. I've only scratched the surface, but mostly I'm seeing how my grandma travelled the world and the seven seas and gave no craps. Olga for the win. (pics of baby me, baby my mom, baby my dad, etc are in here)

Much like my namesake, I do a lot of 'ooh, what's over here?'
And when I work with my therapist, we remind me not to get carried away on the initial wave of enthusiasm. Sometimes the wave is actually a river, and the best way to know for sure is to give it time.

So fkn boring, and sometimes there's urgency like 'if we don't jump on this house it'll sell.'

But that said, after a few days of mental chaos, and thanks to writing about it, and thanks to husband for sending an alarm bell that we weren't actually ready to jump on a house, I can go back to 'next right step' things.

So I'm going to try to do this:
- keep on the 'fix up' list and hire contractors. These things need to get fixed regardless of whether we're staying here. I tend to send Dan emails for him to review before I reach out to contractors but he never answers me so f that; I'm just gonna send it.

- trust dan's judgement on when it's 'too scrambly'
- go slow
- if a dream-house kind of place pops up, we CAN check it out and go for it. we have the ability to do things quickly when we set our minds to it, but we prefer not to scramble.

UDPATE
4 hours later, here's how that's going:

made myself a rubric for jobs, and another one for houses.
went ahead and set up a viewing for a house that may qualify as dream house, IDK, we need to see it. It's close by enough I wouldn't need to change everything.
responded to interview requests for two positions

The most metal thing is that - all the musical acts were 100% fabulous, joyful, unapologetic. It would be really challenging to find something threatening about any of it.

Everybody (whether for NFL rules or whatever) could have gone harder, politically -- but instead, chose to show that nobody needs to be afraid of bad bunnies. we're singing about dancing, or sending a warning about the electrical grid, or loving. We have messages of love > hate and togetherness: Oh no - much woke, how threatening.

(Although I could be nasty and say that some americans prefer hate and disparity, and we do have a gross legacy of that, so I guess there is a way to spin it that "togetherness is unamerican?")

Anyway. When the other side is demonizing folks for speaking spanish, and we show them just minding our business and doing music - Nobody gave them anything to point at and say 'see?! it's the liberal scum that's hurting you, they hate us!'

it's kind of forcing people to confront the propaganda. so that's what's metal about it.
("who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes")

Opening with Green Day - who used the pre-trump lyrics - is a choice that says "we will call out bullshit, though."

Probably it's not super fun to read my stuff when I'm hemming and hawing, but it does help me to write things out. So this is another one of those, where I'm trying to both Be Present in the Moment and also shape a desired future.

I probably read too much fiction with devious heroes. Anyway! Here's me sorting out the different Influences and also trying to figure what i want.
--
Pushes for "MAKE A CHANGE:"

I think I have a job interview this week for a hybrid position in population health as an event coordinator for maternal health. And unless the pay is worse than I'm doing now, it's likely to be more fun and a bridge to other things. Doesn't mean I've got the job, but it's nice to have the possibility! (I could get to that location easy from where we are.)

At meg's therapy the other night we were talking about how the school change was the right move. She mentioned the new school is less racist, and also that at her old school, one of our neighbors 'had the police at his house because he joked about shooting up the school.' Yep, he lives in the neighborhood and has access to guns. But also WOULD be the sort to joke about it. Meanwhile I forgot that one of the other neighbor kids, who is little, was holding a rifle and the bus stop kids said hi and he turned to face the kids (with his rifle) and said 'hi guys!' cheerfully, absolutely forgetting he was holding a firearm. Meg assumes it was a real rifle; the family hunts and drains their deer in front of the house (a weird sight). So that makes me want to bail from the neighborhood but that's not super rational; i'm just concluding there are Unsafe People here and again i say i prefer all the OTHER amendments to the 2nd.

Also at therapy kiddo whipped up a fantastic drawing in a minute and talked about cool things with deep perception and I was just struck by how cool she is, but how much she has to fkn struggle at school, and felt even more committed to the idea of her not doing the public high school. Like, if we HAD to, she could do it, but I think we can find a better match. IDK. Mostly thinking about those same kids that she wanted to get away from, including the neighbor-with-the-threat and the racists, will be at our public high school. The school may go through some serious changes over the next 4 years including adding grade levels or people withdrawing, IDK. They have block-scheduling now and people are pushing to go to an 8 class period day, which doesn't work for her either. I THINK she would do ok at the career center for a half day, but unless her med change is MAGICAL, it's just going to be hard work every day to exist. Like, meanwhile, she's got gfts and talents she's just developing on her own. I don't wanna do homeschool because we get on each others nerves so much, and because I have to work. So. A different school is worth pursuing, especially thinking about gifted/talented whatever and being at a charter school without bells ringing and timed tests just seems like a better chance for her.

I can't figure out how to predict our tax increase -- what it'll be in real dollars. Like, what if our mortgage will go up by $200/month, are we ok with that? Like everyone is telling us to brace, and we have estimates of the Mill. And I tried to find how to calculate it. Then I got bored.

So i went into a 'live in Keene for 4 years' rabbit hole because it would be nice to have access to therapist, haircuts, thai food, and her school, all within minutes.

After I sent dan a Very Adequate suburb house he responded with some lovely places (deals, basically) and we're going to look at one in south VT this morning. But what about Alice's job(s) and megan's school? IDK. It would be 45 min from there to current job, hour fifteen to the hybrid one I'm looking at. Meg school: she'd have her choice of available schools - the town doesn't have their own high school, so they'd pay tuition for her to go wherever; most kids go to brattleboro or to the next one south which is in Massachusetts. So, there'd be options, and it'd be a Change, which was the point.

BTW, I also applied for a specail education teaching job with a 10K signing bonus, but the location is further east in NH, so that would be a different kind of change. (They'd train on the go. Idk. I think I might have a lot of assets to do that well).

---------
Pulls to Stay Put and Wait for It

I tried to set up the community corps so that it could exist without me, but not sure if it's there yet and it's growing nicely.

Boss genly said 'just think, you can keep your day job and also do all of that stuff.' Which is a fair point, if they're gonna 'let me' keep doing that stuff.

The county democrats are like 'come on get involved' and I could imagine a future where I do run for something and use my talents that way, and I've been building a reputation here for 7 years, so moving out of town would cost me some of that hard-won rep. That's one reason I push for staying in a local-ish radius like Keene - I could separate a little but not lose all my connections.

I also had moments of 'i will miss this place' because there is so much that's magical about it. And we don't NEED to make a change, I just ... it's more house than we are using, and it has changed a lot.

----

Anywho. the bottom line is to do Next Right Things, and it's okay to plan and evaluate, but also try to be In The Moment.

And one thing on that - we took Ty out to dinner for his belated birthday and he was so happy ;)

one thing I seem to do to myself that messes things up, is imagining possibility pathways. Like, "if this, then that"s. There are good reasons for it, and it's not the worst, but I get a little caught up in trying to strategize the best outcome and then trying to shift to get there.

for this week, I've been trying to start more from where I am and do next-right-thing, instead of choosing the best goal, or saying 'if this thing collapses, what's my backup plan.' So yeah. Working forwards is way more calming and the possibility trees from this direction are a lot easier to deal with (and then I don't look very far ahead on them).

Also trying to say 'right now, here's where I am' and occasionally giving a fuck but more often not.

With that mindset, here are weird things that have happened this week:

I talked to an irish citizenship consultant (we're likely eligible but it would take 30 months at least)
had a phone screen for a job, but haven't heard the followup information about it yet for the interview?
Presented my Giant Project Initiative (the social project thing) to 100 important people yesterday
Got an email back from the county democrats after my letter last month, they want to talk to me more
Applied for state disability leadership program (I'd had the app nearly complete for a while)
Boss talked to me yesterday reaffirming my ability to do my social-projects

---
I'm not trying to be All Over The Place. I'm trying to do next right things.
I also have this potential path -- what if I end up leaning in here (at this job that irritates me), doing my social projects, and just trying to keep holding stuff together? What if they slowly make the bare minimum of improvements they need to make to keep me from throwing computers out windows? Gut says, even though this sounds like the most challenging option, it's probably the one that will be happen (as ty would say).

I did find a way to spin my job title that makes sense to me for what I've been doing ('resources for humans').

Meanwhile,

changing kid medications is in effect - the transition time begins now to the new stuff, so here's hoping she does better.
She sees allergist tomorrow.
I have cardiologist next week (thought it was tomorrow)

Songs stuck in my head:
- head down by lizzie weber (kind of terrifying)
- Flamme by Juliette Armanet & Ca balance pas mal a'paris (rewinding to 2024 olympics)
- alice merton (run away girl, between the lines, how well do you know your feelings)
- Dissident (pearl jam)
- American Idiot broadway soundtrack (like, I have lots of criticisms about the characters dude-bro-ness, but also this thing is so full of great feelings and good for Revolution Times - 'are we the waiting' esp)
- Jesse Welles (grammy nominated yay!)
- Washing Machine Heart (mitski)
- You're gonna go far, kid (offspring)
- Muse, Panic at the Disco (don't threaten me with a good time/death of a bachelor), Fall out boy

Sometimes when I'm being overly dramatic (in my head) about both parents being gone, I hear Lego Batman singing his orphan song, and it reminds me not to take myself too seriously with that.

....
I have another one:

Emmett is listing all the odds stacked against them, and he says "there was about to be a but' and somebody says 'you're a butt.'

Heh.

...
I am getting out of my head a little bit -- I'm not sick anymore, so that helps.

I'm reading something fun, and watching Shrinking and laughing a little. I'm thinking about my emotional armor: when to wear it, and when to take it off, and trying to feel what the difference is.

I stopped giving a crap on Threads and am posting whatever and RTing and DMing and having a good time. Mychal the librarian and I were talking** about depression and I invoked choose-your-own-adventure books as a reason To Not Turn Into A Ghost. (**Saying we were talking is a stretch: I replied to a post of his thanking him for sharing a story and wondering whether i should. then he did a post, not a reply, thanking people for sharing their stories, so it might have had nothing to do with me, but I went for it and shared a bit about depression.)

It would have been better if I wasn't thumb-typing at 10 pm and like, thoughtfully composing a draft with a keybaord, but c'est la vie, c'est threads.

I'm also giving myself space and grace to Have Feelings about Dystopias. We took it easy during COVID when we needed to - 'these trying times' and all that - and now we're still trying to hustle but also to add activism in. Man, I'll do what I can. If I'm less productive, fine, and at least me being productive doesn't, like, enrich billionaires.

oh well.

My head's still not quite right today, which probably makes sense.

I think I've permanently Stanked the bra I'm wearing - I've washed it 4 times in a row and it still is funky. It coudl be all in my head (but my nose is in my head).

I have been productive today but only in the taking care of myself way - I downloaded & uploaded my tax forms, transferred my RMD so I can get my archived scrapbooks, sent a followup on my sleep study, checked in for megan's allergist, and reviewed my property tax rate.

Because, good news in a way, the community proposed a higher budget at the meeting last night than the board had said, because the commuity doesn't want to cut programs. But that will of course mean higher taxes, and if the rich towns withdraw they could go up even more.

So I'm like, what's my worst case scenario and can we afford it? I do need to calm it down - I think it'll suck and we won't want to, but yes we COULD probably. Probably. (Still need to math it out, and then remember it's a worst-case, and that things will likely be less bad)....
unless the state destroys more shit, further shifting burdens to local communities, which is possible but bad

Meanwhile, 'nationalized election' am i right? "we're gonna fix it so you don't have to vote anymore", they said a year ago.

Meg has med mgt meeting today (yay) and allergist on friday (yay?). I have cardiologist on friday. I almost forgot about that in all the excitement -- a year ago I was kind of worried about my heart valve defect thingy and now i'm like 'oh yeah that'.

I get less loyal when the org doesn't have the tools it needs to achieve goals, and won't (or can't) adjust its goals.

I'm still trying to understand trauma, beyond what I know from osmosis and culture.

Because I read that 'national trauma is a thing' and we're going through that. Ok, cool, but we've also done it before, like with jan 6 and pandemic , and 25 years ago, and also times in between. so many times. And I want to say nah, but it's nice that we're not being shelled, for example, but my stomach is doing the clench-up lock-up thing that it did in lockdown times. And deep breaths just hurt.

Oh, but also, I am recovering from some kind of flu, so no wonder deep breaths hurt - it's not necessarily a panic attack if you have a respiratory infection so of course you can't breathe.

i'm worried that when ice backs down, we'll back down, forgetting that ice is a symptom and not the illness.
Anyway, I don't know exactly what trauma is, but that cold feeling of 'I'm in danger but have to exist anyway' is part of it, and the unutterable weariness of it must be as well.

And I think some of my own, personal, trauma is awake and on guard -- it's better today ( monday) than it was last week. I can tell that shows up as being extravigilant for noises at night and trying to keep others calm. My mind wouldn't settle down about fighting or flighting (which is quitting job and/or moving away).

( the dark bit, you can skip it )

Last week, I was brittle. This week, I'm tired -- I continue to play, is this a fever or hot flash or am I just stressed or hot? I am taking vitamins as needed and keeping panic medicine handy, which helps.

today I tried to envision a montage of the upcoming year, highlights, if I made no structural changes to our lives, and the things that would be good about that.

I tried thinking about improving my pretty - but-too-big house. And the parts of public school that might work nicely for kiddo.

I'm trying to Do my insane job as well as I can. And I'll get back to it now.

- results ofsleep study
- seeing opthalmologist
- the realization that cats speak & think in Emoji-level-complexity
- am I sick, is this sweater too warm, or is it a hot flash (technically my body is literally excited on this one although not emotionally)
- i applied for a More Fun job yesterday and someone is going to recommend me for it, so that's cool
- I was just thinking about my Creative Projects

-I worked on chapter 2 yesterday/day before of my little game. I'm using free background/character sprites, and I also grabbed a plugin to make it work like a phone text, and i made it WORK PROPERLY. It still has a lot of defaults. I need to work on the plot/dialogue of 2 bc it's really basic right now but it might get a little code-heavy if I also implement the kinetic text tags (which I need to figure out how to copy/paste in). My song choice doesn't have a ton of plot in it. I found some BG and chars that will work.

And there's certainly work todo on chap 1, but I'm on a break from that.

Chap 3 has a pretty clear plot, and I can get all the free graphics I want from NASA. Which is a totally diferent visual style, sadly. And to do it right, I want to chop up each line of audio but that will drag.

We had about a foot and a half of snow this weekend and yesterday; snow day yesterday & 2 hr delay today.

So it's 11 and I'm settled in at my desk - I started Doing Work Stuff at 7:30 am, so that's not bad, just had to take a break to take my kid to school, because the bus won't take her to ner new school since it's not our town.

My stomach is all weird; I figured it was due to anxiety but am realizing I was trying to Engage My Core on the treadmill yesterday so it could be that as well. I took an Anti-Panic medicine too.

With Covid, we were allowed to say 'in these trying times" and even though there are people who didn't believe in masks or germ theory, it was a small minority, and we all accepted that life wasn't normal, and to bring what you got.

With this crisis, we can't exactly talk about it it in professional settings lest we come off as partisan, or leaving our lane, etc. IDK, your experience might be different - all my coworkers are bothered and upset and grieving, (and have been for a year), but nothing 'organizationally' is acknowledged, because we can't.

My project partners are hosting an advocacy thing and they have to be so careful how they word it.

Threads continues to be fun.

My brain is struggling with 'side project' vs 'job' vs 'purpose' vs 'mission' vs 'burnout,' all that stuff is swimming around and I'm NOT going to chart it out now, don't fret. I am starting to realize 'what I want' and 'what I feel obligated to do' might not be the same thing.

I wiill say I want to make an interactive skills tree for myself because it seems a better way to convey that I can do different things. AND, tbh, I was home yesterday dealing with work bullshit and had this moment of being Very Over It. I disengage when I feel like the work is impossible - but a supervisor who is like 'what you're doing is enough' can keep me around longer. But once I start feeling 'set up to fail' -- even if the invidivuals aren't doing it but the system is - then I get resentful and grumpy.

I'm upset about Renee and Alex in MN, but also kind of angry that it takes white ppl getting killed for the reaction to become more widespread. I'm all kinds of angry about all kinds of things, like Amendment Hypocrisy, and 'they're not even trying anymore,' and actual tear gas, and 'what do you think happens in the detention centers,' and 'this is what we were trying to warn you about a fucking year ago' and 'this is why liberals were crying, do you get it now?' and wondering if I will ever forgive maga people for enabling this shit. but also, Sunn Mcheaux was like, "what do you mean, at a time like this," because it's been like this for black & brown people off an on for a while, so I'm sad and angry about that.

I did see an Irish comedian say 'we pick our own potatoes' which I hope is at least generally true. I hope my ancestors, who were mostly bards and clerics, did their own thing, and didn't try to conquer people.

If you haven't had an experience with a Needy/clingy cat, it's a ..blessing & a curse. Thankfully he just gave me some space! Every time I have a zoom, I end up with cat-tail mustache.

Today is a remote-work-day for me and a snow-day for, like, everyone. That means, although I'm working, there are fewer urgent matters, because all the staff are home.

That's great because:
- I slept shittily again last night (3 in a row, yay) and am about to fall asleep in my chair (not that I necessarily will, but......) and have limited brainpower
- also have one kiddo home due to said snowday and brought the other back to college on Saturday (wahhh)
- I did an At-Home sleep study on Fri & Saturday (good nights to sleep poorly i guess?) and was supposed to return the equipment today or tomorrow. If tomorrow I have to take work off. If today, I have some flexibility because of the aforementioned , but also, snow. Guess what, there was a window of not-so-much snow from 8-10am so I did the delivery, it took a long time and was nasty out, and am back home. It's not so much slippery snow as really blowy and powdery and bad visibility. Thankfully not a lot of people out to work around.

Husband jokes that the cats wish they could think.
I theorize that they communicate and/or think in like, emoji-level complexity
Ok, that's all I wanted to do for now, in this hibernation-brain-state

I was thinking about how, culturally, being smart is a good thing - although there are some folks who do not value education. I mean, we call it gifted and/or talented.

However, humility is also a good thing -- we are not better than anyone else, and have as much value as our fellow humans.

---
So I have a problem with admitting that I'm 'smart', and occasionally I recognize that other folks aren't grasping stuff the way I would, and my whole psychology does a little dance about 'we all have different strengths and weaknesses, maybe you have more experience with this topic.'

And the only reason I'm saying it semi-out-loud is that you might have this issue and probably more than I do, reader :).

I'll be real here: I am not smarter than you, and I'm not better than anyone, but there are people I am smarter than.
Honestly, being smart might be factual information, but I was raised to somehow not give myself compliments?

----

Anyway. What does it even mean? Is it 'can solve crosswords in 10 minutes' or program videogames ..... or here's my big Wonder that made me go on here - know that meme that's like 'hey gifted kids of the 80s, how's your AuDHD doing?' I think it's maybe getting things mixed up. I'd like to look up the differences between 'academically talented' or whatever the appropriate term is, and AuDHD .

So, there's a chunk of my job where I really feel like somebody else would probably do better - that i don't have enough training or focus to do it well.

One thing that kind of stabilizes me instead of trying to pep talk myself is to say, well, you're the one they've got. So then it doesn't really matter if I'm the right person or qualified for the task- that ship has sailed. Now my task is to do the best I can, and learn, and try to make things better for the next person.

Other Things that aren't Things:

* Spent some time in the good old (?) Emergency Room on saturday for Dan who had one of those worrying headaches and dizziness. Vitals, catscan, testsare ok, so most likely a migraine, but that would be new to him (although hes probably had them before and attributed to other things). Most everyone else was there for ski incident (or slipping on ice) including a very vocal lady with a broken rib next to us who reminded me uncomfortably of my mom.

* Liz genetic report says the antidepressant she's on is a) less likely to be effective and b) more likely to have side effects, so we'll be making a change. That should help a lot. Meanwhile her lung test (because she gets short of breath) said minimal obstruction in her airways, so I was googling 'does minimal mean none to speak of, or does it mean mild but present' and anyway since a few folks have mentioned her tonsils, wondering if that would be An Obstruction. But who knows. She was pissed that it's one appointment after another.

* Ty's career counselor meeting on friday went okay - he was losing patience because she was glitchy, but we have concepts of a plan for beyond May: a Very Part Time internship this summer, and return to landmark in fall, aiming for an associates degree (which is a great use of 2 years at college).

* We did are putting one foot in front of the other re: future plans for the house by making the recommended repairs - because even if we don't sell, we should fix that stuff - so I got new light fixtures to replace the glitchy ones and dan put those up yesterday; also got some kilz paint to repaint the bathroom wall that has little mold spots and 18 paint cards to try to match colors (or choose a new one).

* talked to brother about his upcoming 3 weeks of solo-working-dad and if he thinks he needs help. I'm staying put for now but he'll call as needed.

Meaning, I feel like there is a lot going on, but it's all planning-y stuff or things that work out okay but might not be okay, that kind of thing.

I want to start with this: I don't have a resolution, but I do have a guiding word, AND I am very enthused by the Project 2026 concept: stay with me on this, I'm making hopeful inferences when it turns out it's mostly a career portfolio movement rather than a revolution, which is still good.

Whereas: scholars find many parallels between the Times we're living in and the Renaissance periods of various cultures
and
Whereas: Making content, art, apps, tech, ideas, and small things on our own is very possible. For example, I'm a former musician who just made a lousy game, has created a community development org, makes robotic things - etc - and you, friend, are a writer and scientist and gardener and chef and IDK what else.
and
Whereas: part of our problem right now is Anti-Intellectualism - which is kind of what has led to maga hypocrisy and ignoring experts and science. It's only a part of the problem - these folks became vulnerable to manipulation by oligarchs and maga propaganda. Although The People aren't the ones in power right now, if we can work to re-unite, we'll be stronger.
and
Whereas: if we say 'revolution' or that we're fighting, ears and minds will be closed. we can't combat Anti-intellectualism through argument, or logic, or truth or evidence because they can claim 'fake news.'
and
Whereas: But the arts - stories, comedy, music - can sneak in past defenses, and cause people to think. (I believe history shows that). Conan just did an interview reminding us that we can disarm people in different ways.
and
Whereas: we're not the ones who love guns, and the ways to take back political power can include voting, signing into the statehouse bills, contacting your representatives, running for office, and demonstrating-that-dissent-is-not-futile by becoming visible with your dissent and showing us how many of us there are -
therefore: Doing your creative thing Out Loud and letting people enjoy it will help you build your own power and also contribute to an emergence (Publish!)
Furthermore: "Nerds, get on your horses, we ride at dawn"

Nah, it's not that bad, but I enjoy that expression; it also seems so apt when the president is who it is.

First-
Complicated thoughts about venezuela:
* Sounds like lots of international laws and maybe our own processes were not followed.
* Horrified that we kidnapped a 'president.'...but
* have re-learned that actually the venez people generally dislike maduro, so that's not all bad, sometimes the US likes play to liberator
* this one is challenging because many memes are making fun of libs like me for being horrified because it turns out he is a dictator who stole an election
* side note, the cons are okay with us kidnapping a dictator who did that? Brave of them to say that
* most of the time when US plays Liberator, there's an ulterior motive
* They forgot to even mention the 'dictator' thing and leaned into the drug narrative
* yeah, it's not drugs, it's oil anyway
* and taking over a country for oil remains uncool

So, I'm a horrified lib, but I was searching for content from venez creators for that perspective, and trying to understand.

----
Second -
The kids have enjoyed the video game series Deltarune for a few years. In a recent chapter that came out, there is a character (an old man, but he's a turtle) whose catchphrase is "I'm Old!" So when I'm trying to understand things, or have weird body things, I shrug and say "I'm Old!"

Oh! Speaking of old turtles! We had a misadventure in Boston yesterday (wanted to go to Harvard Museum of NH and see the glass flowers, but no parking in a one mi radius and it was cold, so we went to the aquarium, and it was hella crowded and liz had a panic attack) but a high point was seeing the old lady, myrtle the sea turtle, who is probably 90 yrs old. She is graceful and beloved and gentle.

---
Third-
Wanted to see the glass flowers because of 'good day for a museum' and also because I'm rereading Tomorrow & Tomorrow & Tomorrow (to see if it's one of my favorite books upon the re-read; I think it is) and there is a scene in the book about the place.

And it's a cool time to be reading it, because in the micro I was literally at Harvard while listening to them talk about events at harvard in 1996, and on our way home had the scene about that gallery. ("That was nice, but where were the GLASS flowers?")

In the broader sense, it's a cool time to be reading it because I have been messing around with making video games and that's what they do in book, and I understood it before from the player perspective but now I know a little bit more about engines and dev. a LITTLE.
---
Fourth -
So, over my vacation, I basically had all the hobbies: reading, knitting, video game, and new ones: "Song Exploder," and learning about making games.

We watched the making of Losing My Religion by REM and it was a delight, and now that is stuck in my head. So is Viva Las Vengeance, which I listened to. I don't know a lot of the songs on the podcast, so I'm starting with the bands/songs I do know and then progressing.

I also have David Bowie songs in my head, because the first game I've completed (still needs improvement, but it works and has all the story beats I was going for) links together "Man Who Sold the World," "Starman," and "Space Oddity." there's a nod to Ziggy as well, but tbh the lyrics or story of Ziggy didn't quite fit.

In theory, I could upload the zip so people could play it, but I'd like to make some fixes first -
- break up the audio into smaller bits that are lined up with the story
- tell the story more directly in case listeners don't know the songs - more text esp in chapter 2
- allow player to choose a chapter (not linearly)
- make some of the text boxes lighter
So, it's done but it's not polished or "done," and got my fam to try it out - Ty esp doesn't know the music so he was puzzled but also enjoying it.

It's really not a game as much as an interactive visual novel - I used the Ren.py engine. (And, we're using Renpy because the game my daughter wants to make lends itself to that, but with some additional code so you can click on stuff.) I mostly downloaded assets from Itch.io and NASA.

Earlier, I was also trying out GameMaker as opposed to Godot because it seemed easier and unfortunately I blended them in my head a bit.

I started screwing around with another story, but I had nothing in particular in mind so I was just messing with free assets that spoke to me; then 'screwing around' became 'knifin around' because that's a spaceghost episode and that phrase is silly. So that is becoming an SGC2C fan game.

I can't make money off any of this because of licenses (even if the games become 'good"), however, itch.io does allow you to post stuff for free or donation, which should cover me well enough for fair use.

Dan is mostly saying "you're learning so much!"
That's true!

It's not even 9 yet, but I woke up around 3:30 (finished the book I was reading btw 4 and 5:30! then it was sorta 'get ready for work time' anyhow.)

I haven't done much work yet but I am HERE and have done some, and will do more.

Might leave early due to disability services lady coming over plus lack of sleep.

I was going to write about the folllowing disconnected things:

1. Watched two pretty great episodes of Pluribus and I'm afraid the next episode will be the last of the season. I'm going to tell you about the episode The Gap, without revealing any plot details, because I was mumbling "OMG that was an award winning episode. that was amazing".
( the gap )

2. I was buzzing around the house Sunday morning doing stuff, including planning a trip to CVS, christmas cards, packing/mailing things, and it made dan kind of anxious - I explained I was actually feeling okay. Sometimes that sort of thing will overwhelm me but I was trying to take the time to DO the things instead of letting them pile up in my head. He got overwhelmed just existing and listening to me. And then he thanked me for doing all the things and seems to understand that it's a lot. That's like watering a plant, man. Just the acknowledgement that the appointments/ meal planning/ presents/ cards/ bills that I manage, is a lot of things.

I saw a thing a couple weeks ago referencing the I Got A Robe SNL video and it bugged me, and Meg and I were out recently and I muttered something about that and she was like 'knock it off.' No, she didn't say that, but I realized that while I was trying to be darkly comic I was actually being passive aggressive- and she's like 'i'm thirteen, when am i going to get to a store to get you anything so you're just being kinda mean.' OH SNAP, I earned that. Anyway she and Dan went to a different bookstore yesterday for a thing i've been obsessing about. And it's not about the Thing, but hooray!

The Thing, by the way, is a motorized build-it-yourself marble run that looks like a Sonic the Hedgehog level.

3. I made a holiday letter thingy that ended up feeling very 'me.' Ty loved it and called it the best thing ever. Meg glanced and said 'ok I'm not interested'

(ty is like, is she ok with these pictures of herself in it? i said, 'well, she had the opportunity to veto and didn't so....')
Anyway, it's not a work of art, but it's colorful and fun. And last year I couldn't bring myself to do anything.

4. One thing I realized while doing cards was that, indeed, I don't think I even did any last year? Because my mom died in 2024 and I was like 'how do I send warm greetings right now' and I couldn't do it. Unless i scrawled our name on some cards, which I might have done, but honestly don't remember doing much of anything for it.

And the fact that that was all Last Christmas is wild to me, that it's only been that long, that it hasn't been two years yet. I had to double check the death cert to be sure. Anyway I guess last year was our first round of holidays without her, so this year felt a little more solid. As the kids get older and more stable, as do I.

5. I don't know how other people do this, but for me, it's taken some time to get the vibe of My Family that We Built as opposed to My Family That I Was Born Into. I've been reading the Grandest Game (etc) and there's all this cheesy "Hawthornes don't try, they do" and "a Hawthorne loves all or nothing" nonsense about family --- so, the one you build, I think it takes some time to know what it is, regardless of whether kids are involved (though they introduce a ton more variables). Anywho that's kind of how my very weird letter feels -- like it's very Us.

the end for now!

Hi -
It was touch and go because Ty indeed forgot and/or panicked about exams, but he passed all his classes, I think? With 3 Ds and a B+. I'm watching the grades website and think it's the final info.

(I think he was confused about the schedule/wasn't paying attention, then didn't ask for help, then when it was time to do makeups he couldn't deal with it or something? Or just prioritized his modding work.)

When I picked him up on Friday, though, he was asking about 'is it really too late?' yeah, dude. Probably, but email your stuff anyway. He seems to actually care and he wanted to do a DoOver because he knows he could do better (which is honestly a promising sign), and IDK how to thread that needle so I said 'it's ok to feel kinda bad about it, but don't like, let it totally bring you down'.

First semester of college, and Ty being Ty, I'm both super proud of him and also agree with him that he coulda done better! I'll try to shuffle that into 'what might you do next semester so it goes more smoothly?' (Also, apparently he does the work well enough, WITH HELP, that he can scrape by and pass the class without even taking the final. ) His old case manager pointed out a while back that he is still pretty young, and I was like, yeah but I was 17 in college too, and she said, no i mean, he's young for his age (and I was not).

--

I had promised we'd get the family a Switch 2 if he passed classes, so he could use it on breaks and borrow the switch one. Well, the five hundred dollar price tag is making me cringe pretty hard (for some reason I was thinking $400), so I talked about getting a refurbed switch one (or OLED) which is about 300 or less, meg and dan are on board, but ty is like, 'what's the point of having two of the same' and we explained the thing I just said. I don't want to back out from a promise though. So. Hm.
---

Last thing - it's great to have him home! He and Meg have been gaming together without losing their tempers, and many giggles have occurred.

Mild uncertainty:
We told Ty if he passes all his classes we'll get the family a new switch so he can have the old one at school (because there's no sense doing that if he doesn't pass classes without it).

It's finals week - looks like one class final grade is a b+ we'll see what the others shake out to be. I think he missed some exams due to a confusing schedule and should be able to make them up ? so, passing is not a given.

Which practically speaking means i'm reserving Spending Money On Gifts unless/until that's determined. I can get more little things if we're not getting a big thing.

Also with all of the above nonsense, I don't foresee any ACTUAL problems going to madison in july especially on a weekend.

Profile

alicevangeline

February 2026

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28

Syndicate

Page Summary

Style Credit

Style: Pink Panther for Lefty by sarken

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Feb. 13th, 2026 03:05 am

Recent Entries

Navigation

leaving gardens behind

alice versus the adhd Novelty Chase

super bowl - so metal, in a way

more about the pushes and pulls

fractals

the lego movies - just keep on giving

my focus music sounds like hold music

this one's easier

in a mildly dark place, but trying to stay steady anyway

random shit i'm excited about

limited capacity

mercury, settle down

(no subject)

calming response (for me) to imposter syndrome

Loon paddling part 2

We continue as a duck or loon, with lots of paddling below the surface

hey at least this hell is fresh

Longest Night? more like Long Day, am I right

update on College Kid

mini PS