more about the pushes and pulls
Feb. 8th, 2026 07:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alicevangelineProbably it's not super fun to read my stuff when I'm hemming and hawing, but it does help me to write things out. So this is another one of those, where I'm trying to both Be Present in the Moment and also shape a desired future.
I probably read too much fiction with devious heroes. Anyway! Here's me sorting out the different Influences and also trying to figure what i want.
--
Pushes for "MAKE A CHANGE:"
I think I have a job interview this week for a hybrid position in population health as an event coordinator for maternal health. And unless the pay is worse than I'm doing now, it's likely to be more fun and a bridge to other things. Doesn't mean I've got the job, but it's nice to have the possibility! (I could get to that location easy from where we are.)
At meg's therapy the other night we were talking about how the school change was the right move. She mentioned the new school is less racist, and also that at her old school, one of our neighbors 'had the police at his house because he joked about shooting up the school.' Yep, he lives in the neighborhood and has access to guns. But also WOULD be the sort to joke about it. Meanwhile I forgot that one of the other neighbor kids, who is little, was holding a rifle and the bus stop kids said hi and he turned to face the kids (with his rifle) and said 'hi guys!' cheerfully, absolutely forgetting he was holding a firearm. Meg assumes it was a real rifle; the family hunts and drains their deer in front of the house (a weird sight). So that makes me want to bail from the neighborhood but that's not super rational; i'm just concluding there are Unsafe People here and again i say i prefer all the OTHER amendments to the 2nd.
Also at therapy kiddo whipped up a fantastic drawing in a minute and talked about cool things with deep perception and I was just struck by how cool she is, but how much she has to fkn struggle at school, and felt even more committed to the idea of her not doing the public high school. Like, if we HAD to, she could do it, but I think we can find a better match. IDK. Mostly thinking about those same kids that she wanted to get away from, including the neighbor-with-the-threat and the racists, will be at our public high school. The school may go through some serious changes over the next 4 years including adding grade levels or people withdrawing, IDK. They have block-scheduling now and people are pushing to go to an 8 class period day, which doesn't work for her either. I THINK she would do ok at the career center for a half day, but unless her med change is MAGICAL, it's just going to be hard work every day to exist. Like, meanwhile, she's got gfts and talents she's just developing on her own. I don't wanna do homeschool because we get on each others nerves so much, and because I have to work. So. A different school is worth pursuing, especially thinking about gifted/talented whatever and being at a charter school without bells ringing and timed tests just seems like a better chance for her.
I can't figure out how to predict our tax increase -- what it'll be in real dollars. Like, what if our mortgage will go up by $200/month, are we ok with that? Like everyone is telling us to brace, and we have estimates of the Mill. And I tried to find how to calculate it. Then I got bored.
So i went into a 'live in Keene for 4 years' rabbit hole because it would be nice to have access to therapist, haircuts, thai food, and her school, all within minutes.
After I sent dan a Very Adequate suburb house he responded with some lovely places (deals, basically) and we're going to look at one in south VT this morning. But what about Alice's job(s) and megan's school? IDK. It would be 45 min from there to current job, hour fifteen to the hybrid one I'm looking at. Meg school: she'd have her choice of available schools - the town doesn't have their own high school, so they'd pay tuition for her to go wherever; most kids go to brattleboro or to the next one south which is in Massachusetts. So, there'd be options, and it'd be a Change, which was the point.
BTW, I also applied for a specail education teaching job with a 10K signing bonus, but the location is further east in NH, so that would be a different kind of change. (They'd train on the go. Idk. I think I might have a lot of assets to do that well).
---------
Pulls to Stay Put and Wait for It
I tried to set up the community corps so that it could exist without me, but not sure if it's there yet and it's growing nicely.
Boss genly said 'just think, you can keep your day job and also do all of that stuff.' Which is a fair point, if they're gonna 'let me' keep doing that stuff.
The county democrats are like 'come on get involved' and I could imagine a future where I do run for something and use my talents that way, and I've been building a reputation here for 7 years, so moving out of town would cost me some of that hard-won rep. That's one reason I push for staying in a local-ish radius like Keene - I could separate a little but not lose all my connections.
I also had moments of 'i will miss this place' because there is so much that's magical about it. And we don't NEED to make a change, I just ... it's more house than we are using, and it has changed a lot.
----
Anywho. the bottom line is to do Next Right Things, and it's okay to plan and evaluate, but also try to be In The Moment.
And one thing on that - we took Ty out to dinner for his belated birthday and he was so happy ;)
I probably read too much fiction with devious heroes. Anyway! Here's me sorting out the different Influences and also trying to figure what i want.
--
Pushes for "MAKE A CHANGE:"
I think I have a job interview this week for a hybrid position in population health as an event coordinator for maternal health. And unless the pay is worse than I'm doing now, it's likely to be more fun and a bridge to other things. Doesn't mean I've got the job, but it's nice to have the possibility! (I could get to that location easy from where we are.)
At meg's therapy the other night we were talking about how the school change was the right move. She mentioned the new school is less racist, and also that at her old school, one of our neighbors 'had the police at his house because he joked about shooting up the school.' Yep, he lives in the neighborhood and has access to guns. But also WOULD be the sort to joke about it. Meanwhile I forgot that one of the other neighbor kids, who is little, was holding a rifle and the bus stop kids said hi and he turned to face the kids (with his rifle) and said 'hi guys!' cheerfully, absolutely forgetting he was holding a firearm. Meg assumes it was a real rifle; the family hunts and drains their deer in front of the house (a weird sight). So that makes me want to bail from the neighborhood but that's not super rational; i'm just concluding there are Unsafe People here and again i say i prefer all the OTHER amendments to the 2nd.
Also at therapy kiddo whipped up a fantastic drawing in a minute and talked about cool things with deep perception and I was just struck by how cool she is, but how much she has to fkn struggle at school, and felt even more committed to the idea of her not doing the public high school. Like, if we HAD to, she could do it, but I think we can find a better match. IDK. Mostly thinking about those same kids that she wanted to get away from, including the neighbor-with-the-threat and the racists, will be at our public high school. The school may go through some serious changes over the next 4 years including adding grade levels or people withdrawing, IDK. They have block-scheduling now and people are pushing to go to an 8 class period day, which doesn't work for her either. I THINK she would do ok at the career center for a half day, but unless her med change is MAGICAL, it's just going to be hard work every day to exist. Like, meanwhile, she's got gfts and talents she's just developing on her own. I don't wanna do homeschool because we get on each others nerves so much, and because I have to work. So. A different school is worth pursuing, especially thinking about gifted/talented whatever and being at a charter school without bells ringing and timed tests just seems like a better chance for her.
I can't figure out how to predict our tax increase -- what it'll be in real dollars. Like, what if our mortgage will go up by $200/month, are we ok with that? Like everyone is telling us to brace, and we have estimates of the Mill. And I tried to find how to calculate it. Then I got bored.
So i went into a 'live in Keene for 4 years' rabbit hole because it would be nice to have access to therapist, haircuts, thai food, and her school, all within minutes.
After I sent dan a Very Adequate suburb house he responded with some lovely places (deals, basically) and we're going to look at one in south VT this morning. But what about Alice's job(s) and megan's school? IDK. It would be 45 min from there to current job, hour fifteen to the hybrid one I'm looking at. Meg school: she'd have her choice of available schools - the town doesn't have their own high school, so they'd pay tuition for her to go wherever; most kids go to brattleboro or to the next one south which is in Massachusetts. So, there'd be options, and it'd be a Change, which was the point.
BTW, I also applied for a specail education teaching job with a 10K signing bonus, but the location is further east in NH, so that would be a different kind of change. (They'd train on the go. Idk. I think I might have a lot of assets to do that well).
---------
Pulls to Stay Put and Wait for It
I tried to set up the community corps so that it could exist without me, but not sure if it's there yet and it's growing nicely.
Boss genly said 'just think, you can keep your day job and also do all of that stuff.' Which is a fair point, if they're gonna 'let me' keep doing that stuff.
The county democrats are like 'come on get involved' and I could imagine a future where I do run for something and use my talents that way, and I've been building a reputation here for 7 years, so moving out of town would cost me some of that hard-won rep. That's one reason I push for staying in a local-ish radius like Keene - I could separate a little but not lose all my connections.
I also had moments of 'i will miss this place' because there is so much that's magical about it. And we don't NEED to make a change, I just ... it's more house than we are using, and it has changed a lot.
----
Anywho. the bottom line is to do Next Right Things, and it's okay to plan and evaluate, but also try to be In The Moment.
And one thing on that - we took Ty out to dinner for his belated birthday and he was so happy ;)