alicevangeline

Reading the pre-IeP this morning for T made my heart ache a little bit - and I googled “IEP heart “ and didn’t get anything? Will have to think of proper phrasing. But seeing all the issues laid out just made me feel heavy. Not sad exactly, a bit worn out.

The weekend was good, but I had the feelings flare up about being scared re: job stuff, and we cleaned out the office room of junk and Dan put more old toys in a donate bin ( ah! My heart!) and we went tubing and it was good, but the line for the lift was very long. And we were all getting worn out and then I needed rebound time and did not get it. You know how it is.

So this morning I have sore throat and feelings.

The IEP meeting is this morning, and my mom mentioned they have to send a draft for me to review before the meeting, so I checked my email and found it, and what tired me out are all the struggles. There is a page of strengths first, then 4 pages of challenges (which do include questions like parent concerns and additional information). And it’s designed to be thorough.

To summarize: he struggles with

• Social Cognition including: Theory of Mind (that other people don’t know what you know, like what you like, etc);Joint attention (everyone is looking over there, but ty is drawing)
• sensory integration 
• Emotional reciprocity (he can do this on a good day but loses the skill altogether when ‘disregulated’)
• motor planning 
• Executive Function which means: impulse control, emotional control, flexible thinking, self monitoring, planning and prioritizing, (he has a very limited time-sense), organization, task initiation, and social language (which is apparently different from social cognition 
• Self care - an example was provided about how he’d had a nosebleed and texted me about it, but didn’t think to wash his hands until prompted 

so, I have this expression, “ it’s not a big deal, but it’s a medium deal.”   This happy dude, whom you know from my stories, just does his own thing.  I want to acknowledge that other people, moms, kids may have even greater challenges, and also that that doesn’t negate that this can be tough.   

and it’s a bit of a reminder that college may not be an option for him in 2 years.  

meg doesn’t have the same degree of challenges, but does have a lot of the same.   so spending time with both of them is tough because they just talk over each other and don’t listen.  please note I tell them they’re  doing it, and i have done so for five years,  but it’s easy to think that if I were a more effective parent they’d be better at this stuff. Or if I didn’t let them use youtube at a young age they wouldn’t have these neurological problems.   I really don’t know.  maybe it was the Zoloft while they were in utero, but I didn’t want to crash my car in a depression so that was an ok choice to make.   

- i mayyyy have had too much coffee so far. 2 small cups and a large to-go cup.and choco espresso beans.

- i got the newsletter from my old homies (my old work) and i am so very very proud of what they're doing. I can see my influence there but also lots more that isn't/wasn't me. I know it's not a birdie leaving the nest, but that's how it feels for me to not be there.

- we're getting some press over here for some cool stuff we're doing.

- i had some stress last week about work and that's greatly diminished. maybe more on that later. I also had health stress last week and that's better too.

- the actual thing 1: had another meeting to re-establish evaluating megan for iep. she has no documented learning disability or medical need - that's what this is about. we suspect a few things. The first meeting for this was in March then the testing got postponed obvi. so we had to start over. I learned a few things about how she is at school --- i didn't realize she's such a fidgeter (without being disruptive) or that she has trouble organizing herself.

I have some FEELINGS about this, not too strong, but:
a) poor kiddo. They mentioned something like- she's working so hard to fit in but doesn't automatically know what's expected. She's trying really hard to do What's Expected - which stresses her out and makes her stutter and panic if she 'fails.' Poor kid.
b) Lovely kid. While she seems to have some autismy things like reciprocity and off-topicness and sensory things, she is very observant and perceptive about facial expressions and kindness. She really can be quite kind and gentle. Herself comes first, but she is a little mama to the people she loves. I sent the team Meg Drawings because she would not be able to draw such awesome facial expressions in her cartoons if she didn't notice them.
c) Bright kid. I also sent them some of her Drawing Challenges :) She reads at a pretty high level (7th for 3rd grade) and I think she wouldn't be able to do her combo challenges if she weren't pretty smart. For example, we said 'dancing zucchini,' or 'cat peeking out of a soup can' or 'tentacle sticking out of a book' and she drew them no problem. I think that takes some kinda brain.
d) poor me. i kind of hate to say it, but, man, ty is a lot of work to parent and teach. (We had a meeting about him this morning which is real news 2). Everything they said was so darn familiar but softened, because she's less disruptive, and better with eye contact. (Because she's a girl? She cares more about people pleasing? because she's unique? because she's my child and i understand people ok so my gift mixed with her challenge = unique blend?) Anyway i had a moment of - Maaannnnn.....basically, can a lady get a break?! (Au, that's what i was calling you about, to whine for 2 minutes) But after just having that feel (without crying or anything) for a little bit,...
e) Go Team. I've been asked for advice about kid diagnoses like 3 times ever and what i said those times was: a label for your kid does not change your kid. It's making it easier to understand and work with what's already there and that makes it a relief. We've kind of always said both kids are handfuls. We love them both with all our hearts. I think it's honest to say they are each a lot of work and they're worth it. So, working on a label for my meg, figuring out what her Deal is and learning how to teach her what she really needs - that's a good thing. The team is mostly the same as has already worked with Ty. My mom saw that they really know their stuff, are doing their best, appreciate her strengths and see her challenges, and care about her. That's all i can ask for.