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what's holding me back
Jan. 12th, 2022 10:39 amthese are my current questions:
- how hard do i want to try to jobseek
- how much do i want to try to improve things here (because it is honestly kind of cool work)
- what CAN be improved
- how much do i need to make at a minimum, and how much would be reasonable at a maximum (Originally written as 'how much am i worth,' but that's gross)
- I absolutely respond to pleas for help. ABSOLUTELY. So literally every time I see a help wanted sign a little part of me jumps up and says 'i help u' even when it's the CoOp, Cheesemaker, Car Dealership, etc. How do I use that 'wanting to feel needed/wanting to help' in a healthy way for me and my community?
- Part of that is a desire to be part of a solution to our many national crises (climate, pandemic, education.) I want to be like maisie dobbs and enlist in something. But literally healthcare jobs without nursing degrees pay $14/hr. Attaining a nursing degree takes a bunch of time. I did review an apprenticeship option a few months back but again, it really doesn't pay well in the meanwhile. So I'm asking myself: why am I trying to help with these issues? Would it be enough to just make people happy? I don't judge other people for livin their lives and working in their respective jobs! (Although I am judging the government for not creating more wartime-style workforce programs for quick upskilling in energy, education, and healthcare).
- I told leadership class last month that 'I'm shaking up my chessboard and saying "i want to play Uno now."' At the time, I meant generally that I want to shatter my own expectations and beliefs about what I SHOULD do and look at what I WANT to do. What the fridge does that mean, specifically? What is Uno?
- I don't care that much right now about manufacturing careers skills gap (it's the least of our problems), but I'm really good at developing connecting content to engage students to the above. And I like that connected-curriculum-development process. I like the science projects, I like 'informal education,' I like the mental spiderwebs of connections we can build with concepts like 'energy transfer,' 'repeatability.' I absolutely geek out over this, and I'm beginning to believe that I have expertise to offer here - even without any sort of credential for curriculum design. SO: If I enjoy that and am good at it, where can i do it more? BECAUSE, PS, I get to do that here - but realization has just hit me: our goal is to source that stuff from other people. So will I still get to do that if I stay here through inaction or choice? Also, it's not what I was originally hired to do, so I probably won't. And the people who have influence and power don't actually realize how good I am at that stuff. (Which is a weird but accurate thing to say. I didn't say I'm The Best at it, I didn't say I'm great at it, I am saying I am good at it.)
- How do I jive the skills & knowledge I HAVE with the things I think people NEED and combine that with something I WANT?
- Another question: If I didn't listen to ANYONE's advice, what would I think and want? (And how affected by anxiety would that be?) Related: The most credible thing about leadership class was that nobody tried to give ADVICE other than say 'you're not being consistent' or 'you need to give yourself credit.' Or observe "You say you like xyz, why not lean into that more?" But between that, LinkedIn, books like Playing Big, and on the opposite end of the spectrum my elderly coworkers, and my mom: advice comes from everywhere anyway.
- I am having SOME thoughts about starting my own thing.
This stuff was the whole point of taking the leadership class. I think I'm asking better questions and feeling more confident. One question I had was 'Is it just me or does this suck'. I've been able to answer that it's not just me, that these are real problems. (I have a lot of moments that cement that - the values discrepancies, the inability of people to compromise and work out their shit in a timely fashion, how some people do not see reality - and, I love optimism, but there's a difference between envisioning 50 kids in the learning lab and actually being physically able to do that during covid times, or designing a vision board for fundraising purposes that is not what we're actually going to do - the terrible communication. Can I improve any of that and do I want to, right?)
What prompted this: This morning I'm trying to get started on work and I'm like, fuck it, job search. That is a TERRIBLE sign. So, yeah, I'm trying to convert that questioning energy to this journal entry, which is a bit better.
- how hard do i want to try to jobseek
- how much do i want to try to improve things here (because it is honestly kind of cool work)
- what CAN be improved
- how much do i need to make at a minimum, and how much would be reasonable at a maximum (Originally written as 'how much am i worth,' but that's gross)
- I absolutely respond to pleas for help. ABSOLUTELY. So literally every time I see a help wanted sign a little part of me jumps up and says 'i help u' even when it's the CoOp, Cheesemaker, Car Dealership, etc. How do I use that 'wanting to feel needed/wanting to help' in a healthy way for me and my community?
- Part of that is a desire to be part of a solution to our many national crises (climate, pandemic, education.) I want to be like maisie dobbs and enlist in something. But literally healthcare jobs without nursing degrees pay $14/hr. Attaining a nursing degree takes a bunch of time. I did review an apprenticeship option a few months back but again, it really doesn't pay well in the meanwhile. So I'm asking myself: why am I trying to help with these issues? Would it be enough to just make people happy? I don't judge other people for livin their lives and working in their respective jobs! (Although I am judging the government for not creating more wartime-style workforce programs for quick upskilling in energy, education, and healthcare).
- I told leadership class last month that 'I'm shaking up my chessboard and saying "i want to play Uno now."' At the time, I meant generally that I want to shatter my own expectations and beliefs about what I SHOULD do and look at what I WANT to do. What the fridge does that mean, specifically? What is Uno?
- I don't care that much right now about manufacturing careers skills gap (it's the least of our problems), but I'm really good at developing connecting content to engage students to the above. And I like that connected-curriculum-development process. I like the science projects, I like 'informal education,' I like the mental spiderwebs of connections we can build with concepts like 'energy transfer,' 'repeatability.' I absolutely geek out over this, and I'm beginning to believe that I have expertise to offer here - even without any sort of credential for curriculum design. SO: If I enjoy that and am good at it, where can i do it more? BECAUSE, PS, I get to do that here - but realization has just hit me: our goal is to source that stuff from other people. So will I still get to do that if I stay here through inaction or choice? Also, it's not what I was originally hired to do, so I probably won't. And the people who have influence and power don't actually realize how good I am at that stuff. (Which is a weird but accurate thing to say. I didn't say I'm The Best at it, I didn't say I'm great at it, I am saying I am good at it.)
- How do I jive the skills & knowledge I HAVE with the things I think people NEED and combine that with something I WANT?
- Another question: If I didn't listen to ANYONE's advice, what would I think and want? (And how affected by anxiety would that be?) Related: The most credible thing about leadership class was that nobody tried to give ADVICE other than say 'you're not being consistent' or 'you need to give yourself credit.' Or observe "You say you like xyz, why not lean into that more?" But between that, LinkedIn, books like Playing Big, and on the opposite end of the spectrum my elderly coworkers, and my mom: advice comes from everywhere anyway.
- I am having SOME thoughts about starting my own thing.
This stuff was the whole point of taking the leadership class. I think I'm asking better questions and feeling more confident. One question I had was 'Is it just me or does this suck'. I've been able to answer that it's not just me, that these are real problems. (I have a lot of moments that cement that - the values discrepancies, the inability of people to compromise and work out their shit in a timely fashion, how some people do not see reality - and, I love optimism, but there's a difference between envisioning 50 kids in the learning lab and actually being physically able to do that during covid times, or designing a vision board for fundraising purposes that is not what we're actually going to do - the terrible communication. Can I improve any of that and do I want to, right?)
What prompted this: This morning I'm trying to get started on work and I'm like, fuck it, job search. That is a TERRIBLE sign. So, yeah, I'm trying to convert that questioning energy to this journal entry, which is a bit better.
