alicevangeline

Weekend was 'fine' -- I had to work friday so Dan went to the college for Family Weekend but we both went up for dinner.
On saturday i worked on sewing, grocery, reading, trying to keep kids from sniping at each other, and then dan and I replaced a toilet. It claims to flush 7 billiards balls.
on sunday i did a little more sewing (and interpretation of directions!), finished watching princess mononoke.
both days I worked with Chat to assist on a cover letter for a job and chatted. And I instructed it i wanted to write it myself, but for it to make suggestions.
Anyway here's where I am with stuff:
- I'm back on the wellbutrin and life feels slightly more pointful (plus I saw or heard or read something that made me remember some of the points).
- what do I need? (or want?). If i took time, either in a batch or in doses, what would help? (Hence all the sewing)
- there is something to be said for the Social Infrastructure of a workplace - it's been 4 full years, and there is something lovely about knowing almost everybody and some people really well. I had a very good frank talk with coworker, and the fact that i can do that is not to be sneezed at. I guess it's loyalty, and comfort, but also 'institutional knowledge' and a web of human connection.
- So i'm not necessarily going to bail from the job, it is contributing to the nonsense in my head but is only one of several factors. And it might get better.
- That said, i did spend like two hours on a letter of intent for a cool gig that is very much in line with my real skills/experience, but I'm not sure I'll apply for said gig, because it turns out Bennington is an hour away not a half-hour. A hybrid full-time deal an hour away is very diff from a hybrid deal a half hour away. The other thing is that it seems to be a huge breadth of responsibility, and I fall into a trap of being a swiss army knife and then getting too tired to do it anymore after the enthusiasm wears off.
- I need to look at the letter and the job desc with fresh eyes and see if I want to pursue it anyway, because the two above factors are Orange Flags (an orange flag is a probably not while a red flag is a definitely not). But. The pay is good and the work sounds pretty well in my wheelhouse. My gut says even if I apply i won't get it, but I hesitate to waste time or put things in motion that will start up a chaos machine.
- I came up with what would ideally happen here to make me feel better about it. some of it's impossible and some of it's not.
- also curious if, despite my connection with ppl here, it might be a little bit stress-toxic. Maybe the people around me could handle the Impossible Demands better and fix the stress vibes. Not sure if it's contagion or if I developed my own case.

today's babbling:

I am having a moment of appreciation for What We Do In The Shadows --i haven't watched beyond season 3 maybe?

Best of Laszlo is always on my youtube recommendation page, that's partly why.

Anyway I was chatting with work coworker and told her about this thing that's on my mind. We had a good talk. Then I was daydreaming a conversation with boss and whether I could actually get his help with this situation, since in effect I have the Brain Scramblies.

Then I was trying to remember WWDS Brain Scramblies, and I recall
- the wholesomeness of shawn's love for his wife
- the wholesomeness of laszlo's love for shawny
- may i approach the bitch
- 'i cannot even speak the name of that vampire' 'idgaf, he name was mike'
- 'would you like to sample this perfume' 'no. fuckoff.'

alicevangeline

I have this thing I'm thinking about but I don't have, like, a conclusion to it.

Therapist has mentioned taking medical leave to recover from the current depression. I think she might have mentioned it before, but now I'm hearing it and not saying 'nah, i'll save that for a rainier day.'

reactions include all kinds of things like
* wow, i did say things aren't great, and someone's listening, and now I want to do an immediate 'i'm fine, no worries' even though I'm not really fine. Don't notice me!
* I was probably just being dramatic
* I mean, I know I keep thinking about the pointlessness of existence, and am at risk of self harm, but is that a reason to Take Time Off Work?
* what would i even do with myself
* how would i know when i'm better
* maybe i'll be better now that i have my wellyB back?

----
part two (friday)

talked to husband who pointed out that I don't historically do great with time off--- I get nervous about what I'm supposed to be doing. This is a supervalid point.

So, now I'm tossing around things like 'scheduled admin time' on the weekends so I can catch up on the stuff, do it, and accept the rest of the time is Not Doing Paperwork time.

Also thinking about shifting my hours a different way to allow for more 'business day' flexibility (phone calls, meetings, dealing with kid stuff) -- like 4 ten-hour days, for example, but IDK about that realistically.

Anyway at this time trying to think more what I need rather than what the problems are. (Maybe what i need is different problems, or solutions. idk)

alicevangeline

So it turns out that whole thing is a lot more regional and generational than I realized!
If you're from up here, it's 'moose a muffin,' for example. anyway.

If Alice doesn't have her ADHD brain med (that also helps with depression), she might want to stop at dunkin for a latte to help get the brain moving.

but then the pumpkin latte, which was supposed to have 'less' flavor, has ZERO punkin flavor. And the cup is leaking. but at least colleague brought in pumpkin whoopie pies. And the alice is late because dunkin. (at least I put latte in a cup to confirm & collect the leak!)

the brain med refill isn't happening because a) pharmacy got it without filling then b) 'insurance question' and c) is 'delayed, we're working on it.'
----
in other news
lizzie new primary doctor is pretty cool. that reminded me to let my hmo know i have to get a new pcp.

stupid ankle is improving, but not totally better.
has led to stupid discussions about 'ankle v heel'.

Besides talking about coffee and pumpkin, i forget what i wanted to say on here. so that's all for now!

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