fractals

[alicevangeline]

one thing I seem to do to myself that messes things up, is imagining possibility pathways.  Like, "if this, then that"s.  There are good reasons for it, and it's not the worst, but I get a little caught up in trying to strategize the best outcome and then trying to shift to get there.  

for this week, I've been trying to start more from where I am and do next-right-thing, instead of choosing the best goal, or saying 'if this thing collapses, what's my backup plan.'   So yeah. Working forwards is way more calming and the possibility trees from this direction are a lot easier to deal with (and then I don't look very far ahead on them).  

Also trying to say 'right now, here's where I am' and occasionally giving a fuck but more often not.

With that mindset, here are weird things that have happened this week:

• I talked to an irish citizenship consultant (we're likely eligible but it would take 30 months at least)
• had a phone screen for a job, but haven't heard the followup information about it yet for the interview?
• Presented my Giant Project Initiative (the social project thing) to 100 important people yesterday
• Got an email back from the county democrats after my letter last month, they want to talk to me more
• Applied for state disability leadership program (I'd had the app nearly complete for a while)
• Boss talked to me yesterday reaffirming my ability to do my social-projects

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I'm not trying to be All Over The Place. I'm trying to do next right things. 
 I also have this potential path -- what if I end up leaning in here (at this job that irritates me), doing my social projects, and just trying to keep holding stuff together?  What if they slowly make the bare minimum of improvements they need to make to keep me from throwing computers out windows?    Gut says, even though this sounds like the most challenging option, it's probably the one that will be happen (as ty would say). 

I did find a way to spin my job title that makes sense to me for what I've been doing ('resources for humans').

Meanwhile, 

• changing kid medications is in effect - the transition time begins now to the new stuff, so here's hoping she does better.
• She sees allergist tomorrow.
• I have cardiologist next week (thought it was tomorrow)

Songs stuck in my head:
- head down by lizzie weber (kind of terrifying)
- Flamme by Juliette Armanet & Ca balance pas mal a'paris (rewinding to 2024 olympics)
- alice merton (run away girl, between the lines, how well do you know your feelings)
- Dissident (pearl jam)
- American Idiot broadway soundtrack (like, I have lots of criticisms about the characters dude-bro-ness, but also this thing is so full of great feelings and good for Revolution Times - 'are we the waiting' esp)
 - Jesse Welles (grammy nominated yay!)
- Washing Machine Heart (mitski)
- You're gonna go far, kid (offspring)
- Muse, Panic at the Disco (don't threaten me with a good time/death of a bachelor), Fall out boy