alicevangeline

Applied for some jorbs that i'd been waffling about going for but would be kind of cool

Dan and his running buddies were meeting up in Kennebunk.
I wanted to go to maine as well, but like, somebody has to parent (she's not ready to fend for herself for a weekend yet).
Therefore, I went to maine WITH kiddo for 2 nights and stayed kind of near dan and his buddies (no real reason).

Kiddo was having a "can this be a stay home and relax vacation?" My answer: " as long as I can go out and explore." I overdid it a little, but it was good.

- I looked for critters on the beach; found some tiny deceased crabs and cool shells
- I went to the LL bean outlet bc kiddo needed a new coat and 'outlet' - grocery-store lunch
- watched bob's burgers
- played zelda
- went to old orchard beach but it seemed like most beach parking was closed for the season - however, OOB is very very much like the boburg town, including a wonder wharf. neat!
- then dan invited me to come say hi so I did, the house was neat, the buddies were delightful, it is a rich people town

- finally dinner pickup (i had leftovers and a fresh smoothie, she had her fave, tried and true tenders from a chain restaurant) and then tv and reading.

-----
We also had monday off, and I kind of sewed obsessively -- I was dreaming about how to do something in the blouse!

* Pants: Modified from pattern, still need the inset, one fabric is coming today. Will need another bit of fabric but need to see the mauve lace first. Then connect the lace to the backing fabric, whatever it will be, and attach to pants. Then they just need a charm and they're done.
* Belt thingy: Done! Totally freestyled and kind of perfect! (It's kind of a waist cincher with belt loops. It is scalloped, and i've learned scallops are kinda nuts. Made myself a template, chalked it out on a long scrap, then there was a whole learning process with
- fold in half and cut both sides (nope the other side was shitty)
- I should have done the interfacing first then cut but I did the interfacing after
- that at least allowed me to cut really cleanly, tracing my scallops a final time, and it had sort of widened at one end so was able to get that more even
- sewed all the way across the tops, then across the bottoms. I'll trim the connecting threads so I guess it's technically not done but that's tiny
- Looked up how to make belt loops & figured how to actually finagle the machine to do that
Blouse: Kiddo didn't like how the sleeves were coming. And I didn't like how the darts made it puff out. So she gave up on it, but gave me permission to keep messing around with it.
- Sleeves:
  - I needed to do cuffs (with a ruffle or scallop). So I got a pattern for cuffs, and saw it had a little note about 'use lace instead of making a frill or doing pleats.'
  - My blouse pattern also called for cuffs, so this was promising.
  - I learned a LOT in this process, like when I should have followed the cuffs directions rather than the blouse ones (because blouse ones skip over stuff, like finish the edges).
  - So actually even though I messed up a lot of steps, the sleeve was looking fairly good, and there is a simpler way to do the lace inset than the thing called for.
  - CLOSE to right, but still way too puffy for the concept.
  - Found a pattern for bishop sleeves that are narrower.
  - Printed it/taped it (lost my tape, used double-sided, it is not sticky, things started getting annoying)
  - and was able to verify I have ENOUGH SPARE FABRIC TO REDO THE SLEEVES!
  - They should be much easier this time around, and they already looked kind of good.
Collar: Also called for ruffle or scallops. I found a pattern for scalloped collar, but it didn't quite work -- the fabric is too puffy, the curves weren't obvious, etc.
- Tried again with the collar: Single layer rather than double layer, for cleaner edges.
- The blouse directions included tips for facing, which basically meant "connect the collar."
- Finally went for it and connected it to the bodice. (Then I cut the bodice in half in the front, will tell you why later)
- Once I ironed it flat, it looked kinda sweet and created a lapel.
- Might still be big, but I tried it on and it looked fabulous rather than clownish.
- I MIGHT use the organza with it, but in the pics it has a black ribbon trim, so maybe I'll use that (I have some.)
I found the perfect organza ruffle with black trim. I will attach to cuffs and the button-down part.
Bodice:
- AI suggested that the because the fabric is a thick satin, that was making the darts puff out. So I took a deep breath and cut the extra fabric.
- Originally this thing was supposed to have a side-zip even though the pattern forgot to explain that.
- But the canon outfit has buttons, with ruffles/scallops on either side....
- So I folded in half, then shifted it over a bit (because instinct says your buttons need to attach somewhere!)
- And went for it, cutting it in half down the middle.
- Here's where I attached the collar and said - Oh! That's not bad at all!
- I looked up how to make buttonholes. My machine has the setting, but not the spare foot, so I found another way.
- I think I need to
  - measure/try on
  - if i need extra room, add a two inch line of fabric to the buttonhole side
  - finish(raw edge) the button side
  - Attach organza to the left of buttonhole side (either in between layers or just under) and to the right of button hole side (if it's folded, stick it under. If we've added fabric, sandwich time.
  - measure, attach buttons
  - measure/mark buttonholes (found good tutorial on this).
  - sew buttonholes & cut them (eek)

So, no pun intended:
- leg panels
- charm on leg
- charm on hair ribbon
- redo sleeves and cuffs, incl/ organza
- decide if collar is good, if so, add black trim to collar; if not, trim the collar down (Did I finish the edges?)
- attach sleeves
- do the whole front thing with the buttons. (I will look for a tutorial, promise).

We still don't have a plan for where to wear this cosplay. It is from Project Sekai (video game about vocaloids, basically anime/video game).

OH btw --
Trent Crimm costume achieved. And discovery cosplay costume coming along. All hail silver duck/t tape.

In NH news today on NHPR are two items that prompted the response "Oh wow! I had no idea!"

First - giant tuna off the coast.
https://www.nhpr.org/nh-news/2026-10-08/reel-big-whopper-of-a-tuna-caught-off-rye?utm_source=npr.org&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=local_headlines&utm_content=homepage ;

Second - housing costs are a driver of poverty.

except I'm being sarcastic when I say "wow, really"

Weekend was 'fine' -- I had to work friday so Dan went to the college for Family Weekend but we both went up for dinner.
On saturday i worked on sewing, grocery, reading, trying to keep kids from sniping at each other, and then dan and I replaced a toilet. It claims to flush 7 billiards balls.
on sunday i did a little more sewing (and interpretation of directions!), finished watching princess mononoke.
both days I worked with Chat to assist on a cover letter for a job and chatted. And I instructed it i wanted to write it myself, but for it to make suggestions.
Anyway here's where I am with stuff:
- I'm back on the wellbutrin and life feels slightly more pointful (plus I saw or heard or read something that made me remember some of the points).
- what do I need? (or want?). If i took time, either in a batch or in doses, what would help? (Hence all the sewing)
- there is something to be said for the Social Infrastructure of a workplace - it's been 4 full years, and there is something lovely about knowing almost everybody and some people really well. I had a very good frank talk with coworker, and the fact that i can do that is not to be sneezed at. I guess it's loyalty, and comfort, but also 'institutional knowledge' and a web of human connection.
- So i'm not necessarily going to bail from the job, it is contributing to the nonsense in my head but is only one of several factors. And it might get better.
- That said, i did spend like two hours on a letter of intent for a cool gig that is very much in line with my real skills/experience, but I'm not sure I'll apply for said gig, because it turns out Bennington is an hour away not a half-hour. A hybrid full-time deal an hour away is very diff from a hybrid deal a half hour away. The other thing is that it seems to be a huge breadth of responsibility, and I fall into a trap of being a swiss army knife and then getting too tired to do it anymore after the enthusiasm wears off.
- I need to look at the letter and the job desc with fresh eyes and see if I want to pursue it anyway, because the two above factors are Orange Flags (an orange flag is a probably not while a red flag is a definitely not). But. The pay is good and the work sounds pretty well in my wheelhouse. My gut says even if I apply i won't get it, but I hesitate to waste time or put things in motion that will start up a chaos machine.
- I came up with what would ideally happen here to make me feel better about it. some of it's impossible and some of it's not.
- also curious if, despite my connection with ppl here, it might be a little bit stress-toxic. Maybe the people around me could handle the Impossible Demands better and fix the stress vibes. Not sure if it's contagion or if I developed my own case.

today's babbling:

I am having a moment of appreciation for What We Do In The Shadows --i haven't watched beyond season 3 maybe?

Best of Laszlo is always on my youtube recommendation page, that's partly why.

Anyway I was chatting with work coworker and told her about this thing that's on my mind. We had a good talk. Then I was daydreaming a conversation with boss and whether I could actually get his help with this situation, since in effect I have the Brain Scramblies.

Then I was trying to remember WWDS Brain Scramblies, and I recall
- the wholesomeness of shawn's love for his wife
- the wholesomeness of laszlo's love for shawny
- may i approach the bitch
- 'i cannot even speak the name of that vampire' 'idgaf, he name was mike'
- 'would you like to sample this perfume' 'no. fuckoff.'

I have this thing I'm thinking about but I don't have, like, a conclusion to it.

Therapist has mentioned taking medical leave to recover from the current depression. I think she might have mentioned it before, but now I'm hearing it and not saying 'nah, i'll save that for a rainier day.'

reactions include all kinds of things like
* wow, i did say things aren't great, and someone's listening, and now I want to do an immediate 'i'm fine, no worries' even though I'm not really fine. Don't notice me!
* I was probably just being dramatic
* I mean, I know I keep thinking about the pointlessness of existence, and am at risk of self harm, but is that a reason to Take Time Off Work?
* what would i even do with myself
* how would i know when i'm better
* maybe i'll be better now that i have my wellyB back?

----
part two (friday)

talked to husband who pointed out that I don't historically do great with time off--- I get nervous about what I'm supposed to be doing. This is a supervalid point.

So, now I'm tossing around things like 'scheduled admin time' on the weekends so I can catch up on the stuff, do it, and accept the rest of the time is Not Doing Paperwork time.

Also thinking about shifting my hours a different way to allow for more 'business day' flexibility (phone calls, meetings, dealing with kid stuff) -- like 4 ten-hour days, for example, but IDK about that realistically.

Anyway at this time trying to think more what I need rather than what the problems are. (Maybe what i need is different problems, or solutions. idk)

So it turns out that whole thing is a lot more regional and generational than I realized!
If you're from up here, it's 'moose a muffin,' for example. anyway.

If Alice doesn't have her ADHD brain med (that also helps with depression), she might want to stop at dunkin for a latte to help get the brain moving.

but then the pumpkin latte, which was supposed to have 'less' flavor, has ZERO punkin flavor. And the cup is leaking. but at least colleague brought in pumpkin whoopie pies. And the alice is late because dunkin. (at least I put latte in a cup to confirm & collect the leak!)

the brain med refill isn't happening because a) pharmacy got it without filling then b) 'insurance question' and c) is 'delayed, we're working on it.'
----
in other news
lizzie new primary doctor is pretty cool. that reminded me to let my hmo know i have to get a new pcp.

stupid ankle is improving, but not totally better.
has led to stupid discussions about 'ankle v heel'.

Besides talking about coffee and pumpkin, i forget what i wanted to say on here. so that's all for now!

other thoughts:

1. work laptop is the proper amount of clickiness.
2. i've decided that the two people who call me a LOT and leave me messages that they're mad I"m not getting back to them, and make me feel about this big, are not justifiably mad that I'm not getting back to them. (Why am I not? Because I'm moving as fast as I can and there are things I don't get to. I didn't get to you. Your issue is also not that urgent, compared to some other things. And I literally haven't had the time to call and tell them that). So. Yeah. I'm going to take some of my power back on this. ----- Interrupted here, I called him back and it was fine. Go me.

3. Dan is going to Maine with Running Friends in oct. I booked a VRBO because the kids & I have a long weekend at the same time, and sure, might as well go to maine at the same time. But friend, VRBO 's home page which is advertising "friday oct 9" is talking about NEXT YEAR. So it turns out I booked a seaside home for a weekend in oct 2027.

After a day of thinking about that, I'm going to keep it for next year, and book a different place for this year.

4. After 3 months in our new house it does indeed feel like home. It is imperfect, but cozy and pretty and other houses seem like the memories they are. I know it's just a house, a material thing, not that big a deal in some ways, but in other ways it is a big deal.

Some things I love about new hometown:
- Super active Indivisible group, and the town council or PD won't roll out the red carpet for ICE.
- Free curbside compost. (We don't do that as much as we should. It's in locked bins so it doesn't stink and is raccoon free, but most people keep a freezer bag of food scraps and then toss it in the bin on trash day).
- The Arts. Yoga. Thai food.

Some things that I don't love as much:
- there is a substance abuse problem and dealers are being cracked down on no pun intended
- there are people without places to live, so that's a bummer, they are visible which is good and bad i guess. You don't want to see the problem and have to decide if you're going to give that guy at the red light a dollar, but it's worse if a problem exists and you don't see it. And I suspect, if you don't have a home, there are more supports in our area than in surrounding areas. Anyway the drugs & housing issues are probably interrelated and influenced by other factors. So.

That's it for now!

A modest proposal if one has to dress ''professionally'' -- these are my standards as a 44 yr old.

* shoes, of some sort, are required, unless you are in your office and then you can take them off. Socks are not required. Shoes must be clean (although light staining is acceptable. salt, grass, and mud are inevitable!). If your toes show, toenail polish is recommended but not required. Heels? I don't know her.

* Jeans are acceptable: clean, and not 'hella ripped.' Fitting well enough they don't fall down and show things they shouldn't.

* Skirts: if shorter than knee length, bike shorts are highly recommended.

* Hair: wet hair, because you just showered or because it's raining, is acceptable. Not, like, dripping, but damp is ok. It's not ideal, but it means you're clean, and honestly sometimes it takes a long time for it to dry.

* cardigans and zip hoodies perform the same function as a blazer. sadly, vice versa. (Only bc blazers hate my elbows.)

* In my first full-time job, sleeveless shirts weren't permitted. The remains of that standard are: a) shoulder straps should be 2 inches or wider. b) shoulder holes shouldn't be huge and gaping. c) if one is fuzzy, one is somewhat modest with arm placements (like in the sure/unsure commercial) so it doesn't become a whole Thing.

* sweatpants, joggers, sweatshirts, lounge pants -- all are 'depends on the look.' usually something more formal is required to counteract the soft stuff, but sometimes the line is really blurry between, say, khakis and joggers. Some sweatshirts are 'nice' and some are sporty/represent a Brand, and some are ratty.

* leggings can be pants if one's butt is covered by a longish top.

So, in trying to start feeling a little more joy, I'm trying to get into cosplay with kiddo. (Halloween, but also so we're prepared to go to a con sometime.)

Hers:
Mizuki Akiyama, project sekai. I'm sewing some pink pants. I'm realizing that, since the back & front pattern are similar but not identical, AND the fabric is same on both sides, what I should have done is leave a cut-offable tab with writing on all 4 pieces so I could tell them apart later.

Ultimately, I think I trimmed too much fabric off the butt, because I put a center-back-seam to a center-front-seam, because I mixed up the pieces and figured that the reason they didn't match was bad pattern-cutting (since I used the 'print it on 16 sheets of paper and trim and tape together method). I said, "oh look, an extra inch or so of curve here. how'd I do that?" And trimmed half of that on each side. Now I realize WHY the extra was there -- that part was for the center-back. And tbh, I was cutting very carefully, so I should have figured something was up.
Oh well. they will still be pants. (side seams arent done, waistband is not done, bc front overlay, then hems). I don't have enough straight pins (where I can find them) so I was using binder clips, which work great. And therefore was able to put these things on in pant form.

I am reminded, however, to prototype in future so I can figure out what the instructions mean before doing it in the Real Fabric.

Once the pants are complete, if they are acceptable, I am going to make a girdle-type-thing with the scraps.
Also we are on the lookout for the right fabric/s for the peekaboo pant leg.

And we want to get a white long-sleeve blouse and add fancy shiz to it (collar, cuffs, buttons, trim).

My costume updates:

- thinking about what nerd-dom character I admire/want to be/am kind of like:
- Sylvia Tilly from Star Trek Discovery. (I've decided to pretend to be a superfan of Trek, as like, something to do). She has curly red hair except when she's being Captain Killy and then it's flatironed. Anyway I found a wig for $12 on poshmark, so grabbed it. I am on the fence about buying a canon uniform. If i try to make one, it'll likely cost as much as a pre-made costume, but I have more sizing options. Haven't found an Actual Pattern yet, nor am I sure that's what I want to do. So that's on hold.

-thinking about what character i already-kind-of-look-like:
- Trent Crimm, Independent (i have the hair, sort of; and the glasses). So i ordered his Dolly Parton tee and his coffee mug. I'll style my hair different, print out a badge, and that's all there is to it.

In all 3 cases, it'll be 'if you know, you know.'

New technique:

Everything is annoying, but it might get better, so I'm going to just Walter Mitty everything right now. Deliberately take time to imagine WITHOUT wondering if I should follow-through.

Sloooowwww improvements.

I get so antsy this time of year, I guess like everyone. I'm glad I applied for a music teaching job - even though I didn't get it, and sometimes worry that i embarassed myself in the interview. I'm still glad I tried.

Current work continues to be 'really great team,' underpaid, too much to do. I am trying to be zen about it and just learn to accept 'can't do it all.' I think that's what I'm meant to be learning. I try to ask myself 'if I weren't so adhd would I do a better job keeping up?' and the answer is, not significantly.

I felt like an A-hole yesterday because I couldn't find a record I needed. When I searched for it, though I found a couple hundred records from that time period that I did process properly. And I probably screwed up that other one, but it's less painful in context.

Let me try out this metaphor because I'm trying to remind myself that "I'm the one they got:" (I'm underselling myself, but it's a bar that I can clear!)

Imagine you need a horse, but you live in the fkn desert, and there just aren't a lot of horses. The ones that are there are owned by someone else, or too young, or just not great for the team. But you find a curious zebra, and it's a quick learner, and pretty much does what you need it to do, but it ain't a horse.

I'm the zebra. (#not-so-much-about-neurodivergence-as-much-as-winding-career-paths-which-may-be-linked-to-neurodivergence)
--
KidB, the young high schooler, had a mood tank on Monday but was back up yesterday and today. They're also starting mid-day adhd med, which might be really helpful.

They are also:
a) in Advanced English and doing fine. First honors class!
b) saying Latin is too easy (i mean, this kid has been learning japanese, sooo)

Exciting.

Sorry - Walk off The Earth has a new album and it has covers and one of them is Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul.

I'm talking about taking steps forwards and backwards because -
- Got my 'medium distance' glasses! I think they're a little helpful. I still gotta keep my shoulders down to prevent migraines. It's so funny how people think I didn't consider readers. Or that there's a reason I shy away from progressives --

First, my vision is worse than readers can correct for at 6x mag (roughly, i forget if it's more or high 5s, and which eye is which.) Anyway readers usually max out at like, 3?
Second, I also have astigmatism and I think glasses do some special magic for that where they have to be customized and off the rack lenses won't work.
Third, I also have googly eyes (strabismus, I think it's called?) so my glasses have a strong angle to help my eyes work together to see. And that's why I needed a Medium Distance pair - the focus for 10 ft and more is very different from an arm away.
Fourth, my depth perception is shitty and I struggle on stairs sometimes because I can't tell how big they are and get panicky. Or if a line on the floor is a trip hazard or just a line. I think progressives or bifocals would suck for that.
Also trying to magnify chrome to 125.

I told the people 'thanks for trying to help, I appreciate it, but that won't work for me.'

--
foot pain is improving slowly and steadily and I am going to enter the 'always wear house slippers' club. which is tough bc I'm the sort of person that -- till now--- went outside barefoot whenever I'm doing stuff in the yard. Why bother with shoes if I'm not being Around People? And now I accept that my feet need support. My orthofeet sneakers were delivered today, so I'm going to start adjusting to 'I wear Black and Pink Sneakers to work' and try to adjust outfits accordingly.

--

I wonder if I can tell my hairdresser I want Trent Crimm's look. I have an anchorwoman bob right now.

--
We had a 504 meeting for liz school today so I came in late - was going to Take The Day to hang with inlaws, but a) they left at 7 am and b) behind at work. But I am not to be outdone by myself so I got a fabulous latte and fabulous pastry (a cardamom knot!) Here's the thing, cardamom is awesome and smells good, but it does NOT go away. I need to finish this giant pastry so it stops smelling cardamomy in here.

504 mtg went well. She's off to a good start! She's still herself with her overwhelms & anxieties!

I had a panic last night because I was triple booked - homework with kiddo, dinner with family, and therapy with kiddo. I cancelled the therapy (again) (shit) and family said 'you should have a calm night' and cancelled so we did homework as best we could.

I'm hungry and tired and moody and my foot hurts (with probably bursitis). We don't have enough people and we don't pay enough to attract more.

Things I'm doing to help my foot/ankle: Ice (only sometimes bc I hate it), ibuprofen, elevation, and wearing orthofeet sandals, but stepping on the backstrap so it doesn't touch the ankle.

Sometimes you gotta let things burn so that people realize there's a problem and change things.

I'm trying to move from tree to tree, you know?

Let's see. Couple things. I still didn't hear a yes or no from the job interview so I suspect it's a quiet no. I've been thinking about that gig, and talking with Chat about it (because it's awake at 5:45 am eastern).

Couple things --
* Why I think I might not be ready for that:

I'm not great at accompaniment (piano, guitar)
I don't have lessons ready because I haven't really thought about it.
Music is one of many things I'm interested in and I care more about the ideas & what-if-i-do-this & emotions & teambuilding than I do about individual perfection.

IDK. I probably had too many "i can't do that well, but here's what I can do instead"s.

Meanwhile work is being impossible (structurally) but also my bosses don't have unrealistic expectations of me to solve it all.

There is a Mitski song, "I bet on losing dogs" and that's how it feels a lot of the time - There is not enough money to pay people well, not enough money to advertise to find people, and not enough qualified people in a driving distance anyway. so we're very understaffed right now.

I can't change ANY of that. I can try to come up with interesting solutions like working with disability service agencies to find qualified workers; doing 'i love my job' recruiting videos, but I can't change the structural problems. (And sometimes I get a little 'what about all the tropes that one person can make a difference?' and this past year I've decided that person is not me, right now.)

So anyway, it's discouraging, but the other frustrating thing is that it's a really good work environment otherwise.

I've been limping because my achilles hurts (even to the touch) and finally saw a doc about it, she thinks it's inflamed bursa. Rest, ice, ibuprofen, better shoes, if not better in 2 weeks see a specialist. So I am trying those things. Also trying to make sure to lead with my right - taking stairs in another way from usual.

KidB had first day of high school yesterday - freshmen only - and although the day was Long and Exhausting with too much 'tour of building,' a NEIGHBOR who is a "cool alt kid" befriended KidB at the bus stop! They have mutual interests!

(KidA is the older one and a radiohead album. KidA is maturing a little, slowly but surely. I got their SIS-A report back which is like a measure of how much support an adult needs to live independently and the answer is 'some! not a lot, but they definitely need some help!' so we're slowly on the way to getting that sort of help. )

I had a kind of rough day yesterday and was kind enough to say 'things are on fire, but you have very few spoons - you can do this non-urgent thing that needs to be done without feeling guilty you're not putting out fires. other people can do that today.'

I've been eating too many fast foods and ice creams (esp since I can't go for walks right now - I'm hesitant to do laundry bc my gd ankle hurts).

Been playing Persona 5 and digital diamond-art-sorting-game (and a little Tomodachi Life). Been reading Agatha Christies that I seem to have missed (not poirot, marple, parker pyne, or tommy/tuppence).

Also have been watching Ted Lasso old and new - I LIKE the new ones. Maybe not the same magic because it's not new, but great in a different way because it tackles the sexism in sports more directly. And I like odd coach Alice.

Making decisions about what's best for ME are hard. There's a lot of 'but maybe i'm just ____ and that's why I don't like it.' I make it all very complicated. Now, I'm finding that I make decisions over a long period with little bits of evidence at a time, and eventually realize I've decided something.

One thing was -- Offloading the 'homeless liaison' portion of my job. I felt conflicted about it, but eventally wrote up a description and got permission to post it and it is officially filled, and I am thrilled. It is in good hands and I feel good about it.

Another thing was --- as I'm feeling utterly unable to catch up and thta the bosses understand it's not really possible to keep up with everything, I keep hearing people getting hired for teaching gigs that are less qualified than I would be for teaching music. Then over a weekend I realized I would feel weird about not applying for teaching music jobs - I didn't want some local openings to disappear without my trying for them to see what would happen.

well - I had an interview on Wed, and I am pretty sure I didn't get the job. But I also feel like if I did, since the above thing happened, I would feel SO MUCH BETTER about leaving. I am also trying to build systems here so that people don't feel 'totally unable to keep up.' But it takes time to do and we're only 1/3rd through.

I have been making mistakes at work. - if I'm being real, they're neither entirely big deals, or entirely my fault - or if one, not the other. Etc. You can do a thing right 9 times out of 10 and it's the 1 wrong time that you remember most, right? That's how we improve -- but we have to remember it's only part of the story.

ANYWAY objectively, not my finest week -- however!

'I tried to do two good deeds yesterday - one was a murphy's law thing of 'if I don't go to this event, everyone else will be there and I'll feel like an asshole. If i do go, nobody else will go and it'll be awkward.' But I went, and it was awkward, but also kind of nice. And I got tired of lines & awkwardity so I gave some dudes my dessert ticket.

Also, I scouted some people that [knock on wood] seem like gems, so I feel good about that.

I'm wondering if good deeds might help my karmic balance. Hope so.

ALSO. we painted my office Glacier Pearl lavendergray! It's so pretty. I tried to regroup and ergonomicize everything. I got migrainey pretty quickly, but we will make progress on that. I might need to do a thing with glasses or something.

First off.
I kind of hate that the algo has me deeply embedded in people talking about it all the time. I like SOME content, insights, comedy - but the way my algo is these days, it's TOO full of it. So I end up saying 'people. you're more than how your brain works. I know it's an important part of you, but don't make it your identity.' then i realize it's probably just content.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I do have a thing or two to say about brains myself!

What prompted me to start this lil entry in the first place is: be proud of me, I said to myself, "just because you thought of it now, doesn't mean it's the right time to ask that question. Ask it later." YAY ME

I was exasperated with the trainer last week for not understanding my question. Sometimes I remember I need to set the stage and frame things more for people - to bring them over to the thing I'm going to ask about. Other people, I don't need to do that (and with Ty, you'll lose him in that process.). I also grew up with an over-explainer -- i wonder now, if it was more that she needed to express it, than that she thought I needed the context. (Brother & SIL are over-explainers. I roll my eyes - invisibly.).

That's one reason I am thrilled to hang out with my Brilliant Lady Friends (that's you, most likely) -- we can keep up with each other.

That's one expression; another is 'my newest vocal stim,' or when I was a youth it was simply 'favorite quotes.'

After all, my nerdy male friends couldn't stop quoting monty python holy grail.

I've also learned about echolalia and palilalia - and echologia (which is just thinking/hearing the phrase in your head).

I don't know what it falls under but the Spaceghost episode "King Dead" has a crapton of those moments, and the one in my head right now is 'Unreasonable Demands.'

The iconic villains - both voiced by C Martin Croker - are holding Spaceghost's apartment hostage, i think? And they make a video about their Unreasonable Demands but it turns into a movie trailer and they forget to ask for anything besides 'a pet i can love but i don't wanna take care of it.'

Anyway. Thinking about work being Dumb and daydreaming about the squad of us business people making Unreasonable Demands.

---
As I work with these folks on their teacher licensure, I kind of thought to myself --
a) I could get my music-teaching-license pretty easily
b) gah, teachers have it pretty good in terms of work protections (not in terms of the work being easy or whatever).
c) i saw a job opening for a music teacher somewhere closer to my new house
d) i might be ready to shake up the chessboard

so.
1. I realized after a weekend I'd be kind of sad if I didn't go for it and the opportunity passed me by and i never investigated.
2. I went for it! And I had a lovely chat with some folks I asked to be references. Since I've been out of the game for 15 years or so, I had to think about who would be good refs and I got one person who knows me as a musician/persoh, one person who knows my work as an informal educator, and I went and tossed my current boss on there in case they need him.
3. it was great to chat with my refs and I started feeling more confident.
4. in fact, I also started thinking --- Maybe I couldn't have done this well back in the day, but I def could now. And I'd be calm about it.
5. Also had a nice chat with Chat about this. and anka. and liz. and dan.

In conclusion.
I went for that one specific one, and will work on getting my licensure so it's a possibility open to me at some point. starting point for me is to take a practice subject-matter praxis ($17) and see how I do.

I might go for another similar opp in Mass; it's a little shorter drive than current commute.

Again, mostly I'm being curious about it rather than committed.

----
besides work being Stupid (not enough money or people to do anything well), I am doing a thing that feels aligned with things I like: we are expanding our tech to include HR stuff that we do with paper/pdf now and upgrading that will feel like a Lasting Contribution. So I want to get that stuff squared away then I'll feel like I'm at a good stopping point for being here.

I am lucky to be on the team I'm on -- and that's worth a LOT of being underpaid, underutilizedproprerly and overworked -- enough that it's kind of balanced out, plus even though I was applying for stuff in spring, IDK what I actually am doing next, which is a second good reason to stay.

Gut says, I won't get this particular thing I applied for, but I might be filled with determination to pursue it further in future.

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alicevangeline

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