in a mildly dark place, but trying to stay steady anyway

[alicevangeline]

I'm still trying to understand trauma, beyond what I know from osmosis and culture.

Because I read that 'national trauma is a thing' and we're going through that. Ok, cool, but we've also done it before, like with jan 6 and pandemic , and 25 years ago, and also times in between. so many times. And I want to say nah, but it's nice that we're not being shelled, for example, but my stomach is doing the clench-up lock-up thing that it did in lockdown times. And deep breaths just hurt.

Oh, but also, I am recovering from some kind of flu, so no wonder deep breaths hurt - it's not necessarily a panic attack if you have a respiratory infection so of course you can't breathe.

i'm worried that when ice backs down, we'll back down, forgetting that ice is a symptom and not the illness.
Anyway, I don't know exactly what trauma is, but that cold feeling of 'I'm in danger but have to exist anyway' is part of it, and the unutterable weariness of it must be as well.

And I think some of my own, personal, trauma is awake and on guard -- it's better today ( monday) than it was last week. I can tell that shows up as being extravigilant for noises at night and trying to keep others calm. My mind wouldn't settle down about fighting or flighting (which is quitting job and/or moving away).

And then, also wondered about giving up entirely, but my kids/hubs would NOT be okay, so. Can't do that.  Combined with 'nothing will really get easier' and 'i will be pushing boulders up a mountain forever' sort of exhaustion from home stuff.  IDK if I mentioned - I was taking a sick day on thursday because flu, silenced my phone to nap, but couldn't sleep because mind wouldn't stop, and then school called bc liz was having a meltdown and not recovering and maybe sick too. It was just such a 'can I please have some time to recover, ok guess not' kind of despair, and I miss my parents, and called anka in tears. Not sure if I need to actually tell dan about the 'giving up' thoughts, I guess I'm getting all the help I can get with therapy and meds. And, trying to deal with a) my sleep and b) meg's meds and c) ty's self reliance and d) asking dan to Do Stuff are the next things to do. and brining joy to myself when I can, like with stupid little hobbies.   
 

Last week, I was brittle. This week, I'm tired -- I continue to play, is this a fever or hot flash or am I just stressed or hot?  I am taking vitamins as needed and keeping panic medicine handy, which helps.

today I tried to envision a montage of the upcoming year, highlights, if I made no structural changes to our lives, and the things that would be good about that.  

I tried thinking about improving my pretty - but-too-big house. And the parts of public school that might work nicely for kiddo.

I'm trying to Do my insane job as well as I can. And I'll get back to it now.