funeral week update

Hey fam
Things are getting a little more real and sad. I had some freakouts on Saturday and Sunday - well, more like, everything making me cry. And then I had a kind of meltdown on Monday.

The kids and I are on spring break; Dan works from home - so me having a NO I AM NOT OKAY moment was obvious to everyone. Plus, I was like, real dramatic. (I also had a 'too much to do, all these crafts mom will never do and maybe wouldn't have done anyway, and all the things i leave undone, i miss mom and i'm a failure basically' and all this was probably not helped by raging allergies interrupting my sleep which caused a sudden determination to wash all the sheets to kill the dust mites. a couple appts got cancelled so that helps. ) Meg decided her goal of 'explore the waterfall in rain boots' would align nicely with 'cheer mom up' so we did that. I snapped at Dan because he's always bemoaning the kids Not Getting Outside enough and here she is actively wanting to go outside and he wouldn't take her because Work. pfft. Excuses. In my sane brain, I get that, but i do feel like he rarely takes a half hour or hour to do things for the kids and I end up doing the things and working extra hours so that I can do so. maybe something we can talk about sometime. Mom used to help and we don't have that extra help anymore. Anyway.

Everything was making me sad, seeing pictures of my kids as littles makes me sad, their toys make me sad, etc. Being in mom's room was making me sad.

BUT. Monday, after I recovered a bit, Meg and dan encouraged me to go walk in the waterfall and it was a good idea. Then meg suggested an evening picnic in the sunshine in the backyard, and honestly it refilled the soul-bucket a bit. Meg has been into sidewalk chalk this week, and both kids enjoyed the ol' parachute toy (the big piece of nylon fabric you can run under). Dan said 'see, they'll probably always be cute' and I had to say 'there's a certain part of that that could make me sad if I allowed it but for now I'll enjoy the sentiment.)

Yesterday, took both kids to Dan's favorite trail and had a gas-station picnic - the local subway is in a gas station but their hot water was out, so we feasted on slushies and chips for lunch (though I got a sandwich from the cooler). We got photos. Meg caught a pond skater. We saw a snake. So, kids being 11 and 16, it's nice that I'm still mom. Obvious, i know, but maybe that's part of what makes me sad about them being older.

I talked to a friend of mine in the morning and decided to try to cancel this work event that is making me Feel Like A Failure in advance but did not get approval to cancel, got encouragement that it'll be ok. So. I'm going to think about how to make it successful if it's small and not well attended.

We did some gardening, took the cover off the pool, chalked.

Today is wednesday - it's less gloriously sunny and is, in fact, cloudy. I have an onboarding call with Curex in a bit (now i guess), I'm of mixed feelings about moving forward - then an appt with therapist, then dentist. Packing. Maybe dinner with friends.

Travel thursday including Museum of Play, friday is open canvas without panic i hope, saturday is funeral stuff.

ttyl, friends

The 'quiet space at a funeral' thing

I am planning to do a little zone for introverts for the funeral & after party that specifically says
'you can talk, but quietly'
'not too much at once, we get overwhelmed'
'we love you quietly'
'everyone is welcome'

Because I'm thinking of dan and the kids particularly who do indeed get overwhelmed. The last funeral we had to go to, we couldn't stay because meg was MELTING TF DOWN. Ty starts repeating himself about 'it's time to go' and dan gets more silenter.

So.

I think 'quiet space' at a funeral home is a pretty common thing but it's got different more 20th century verbiage and it's more meant for crying, but I'm more concerned about the family party. Everyone will want to see everyone. People will get overwhelmed and upset. And I am not in a space to handle that real well.

I'm worried a little bit about people judging me - this is not a super-rational thing because the friends & family we're closest to will Get It anyway - but I'm even MORE worried that judgers'll be 'right' and that somehow I should have the skills to teach the kids/husband to Deal With It. I do not have those skills.

I think the 'double empathy problem' has ruined me a bit because I keep thinking I gotta fit in an adapt to the expectations. Why the fuck do I not ask them to adapt to me especially on this day of all days?

Ok bye for now!

UPDATE ON THIS:
The quiet space didn't work out (shrug).  However the toys and fidgets we brought for said space did definitely entertain younger kiddos, which kind of had a similar result - noise and activity sort of contained to one spot.  My kids hung out by the snacks and had their headphones one.  We did, in fact, set up a tent at my in-law's house where the after-party was, and one kid hung out and did her math homework in there, but mine did not. Shrug again.