![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Aug. 3rd, 2023 10:32 am I am so tired of my own brain & of being responsible for other people.
I would like to post happy cheerful things since we went on a Trip! And a lot of it was Nice! But right now I'm feeling aftereffects of all of it. And the work thing. I'm kind of terrified now that 'hey here's our person' will now shine a light on all the things I TRY to do, and am unsuccessful at, rather than the things I actually accomplish.
I feel like I have a target on me, is what I'm saying. That's probably not real rational, but maybe I can frame that in my head as a 'hazard' to be aware of. Something that could, potentially, go wrong.
And on that note, I'm no longer truly 'off' this summer, but have nothing in writing about how many hours I should be working (and paid for). I'm at least keeping track. I have verbal info about being compensated for my time, at least. I will get this taken care of soon, I think.
There is a FLOOD of stuff for me to do, and all the volunteer things that I could probably do if I were actually 'off' this summer are now making me cringe in fear. So I'm taking a moment to breathe, write this, take care of the vol things (because that'll take like, 3 minutes for each of the two things).
I don't want to get into the family dramas too much, but it's just tragicomic. Everyone wants to spend time with everyone, and everyone wants to be kind and supportive, so that means plans are impossible to make, and 4 people asked me to sort things out and I did and told my mom and she lost it and sobbed at me and tole me I'm always the boss and my kids are mean and she's nothing what she wants doesn't even matter. I kept my head up for a day then finally said once she was calmer and back to normal that it's unacceptable to lash out like that, even when you're upset. You still have to control what you say. She tried to say "I said your kids are mean to me sometimes." I said, "No. That's not what you said. You said they're mean. You didn't qualify it."
So that was on Sunday, we drove back Tuesday & Wednesday, Meg didn't really sleep Tuesday night, we were grumpy on Wednesday and meg said 'christy the phone is upside down on the charger' and mom said 'stop criticizing me' and after a while I said, 'i'm not sure that's criticizing.' And she's like 'oh now you're doing it.' I explained I'm really trying to be on the lookout, and defend both of them equally, and I am new at this. Meg started crying. Mom was trying not to 'feel guilty.' She never apologized, though, she just told megan how sweet she is. That's her pattern. She doesn't usually apologize -she just fawns instead, which is what fucked me up as a teen, because one minute I'm a backstabber and the next minute I'm the miracle child.
I've been talking with Dan when I can, because he's rational, and hopefully I'm being steady, and seeing things clearly, and protecting Meg when she needs it and calling her out when she needs That instead. Same with my 75 year old mom. Dan says, one thing AA says is, once you're an addict, your brain changes, and you're never totally the same. So 20 years of alcohol problems might have lasting effects.
So this isn't something I love to talk about, but I can't not face it right now. My mom is jealous of my MIL, my MIL asked me to help my brother get a job before they kick him out, my kid & her cousin argued about gay rights & religion, my family doesn't do great at parties where we don't know people and there was lots of crying & overwhelm, cousins wouldn't accept 'leave me alone' from my kids, and I kind of saw it as my responsibility to make sure we Spent Time with the people we drove 500 miles to see (who also paid for our trip).
Ohio also has a big abortion vote on the ballot in a couple weeks so people kind of need to talk about that to each other but also probably shouldn't? My SIL yelled at her priest about it (not really, but explained the medical & legal ramifications and how many women would die).
We did go to the beach and get ice cream and see some friends. & walk a lot. It is a nice place.
Dan said it best - we love our family - they're even better when they're 500 miles away :)
I would like to post happy cheerful things since we went on a Trip! And a lot of it was Nice! But right now I'm feeling aftereffects of all of it. And the work thing. I'm kind of terrified now that 'hey here's our person' will now shine a light on all the things I TRY to do, and am unsuccessful at, rather than the things I actually accomplish.
I feel like I have a target on me, is what I'm saying. That's probably not real rational, but maybe I can frame that in my head as a 'hazard' to be aware of. Something that could, potentially, go wrong.
And on that note, I'm no longer truly 'off' this summer, but have nothing in writing about how many hours I should be working (and paid for). I'm at least keeping track. I have verbal info about being compensated for my time, at least. I will get this taken care of soon, I think.
There is a FLOOD of stuff for me to do, and all the volunteer things that I could probably do if I were actually 'off' this summer are now making me cringe in fear. So I'm taking a moment to breathe, write this, take care of the vol things (because that'll take like, 3 minutes for each of the two things).
I don't want to get into the family dramas too much, but it's just tragicomic. Everyone wants to spend time with everyone, and everyone wants to be kind and supportive, so that means plans are impossible to make, and 4 people asked me to sort things out and I did and told my mom and she lost it and sobbed at me and tole me I'm always the boss and my kids are mean and she's nothing what she wants doesn't even matter. I kept my head up for a day then finally said once she was calmer and back to normal that it's unacceptable to lash out like that, even when you're upset. You still have to control what you say. She tried to say "I said your kids are mean to me sometimes." I said, "No. That's not what you said. You said they're mean. You didn't qualify it."
So that was on Sunday, we drove back Tuesday & Wednesday, Meg didn't really sleep Tuesday night, we were grumpy on Wednesday and meg said 'christy the phone is upside down on the charger' and mom said 'stop criticizing me' and after a while I said, 'i'm not sure that's criticizing.' And she's like 'oh now you're doing it.' I explained I'm really trying to be on the lookout, and defend both of them equally, and I am new at this. Meg started crying. Mom was trying not to 'feel guilty.' She never apologized, though, she just told megan how sweet she is. That's her pattern. She doesn't usually apologize -she just fawns instead, which is what fucked me up as a teen, because one minute I'm a backstabber and the next minute I'm the miracle child.
I've been talking with Dan when I can, because he's rational, and hopefully I'm being steady, and seeing things clearly, and protecting Meg when she needs it and calling her out when she needs That instead. Same with my 75 year old mom. Dan says, one thing AA says is, once you're an addict, your brain changes, and you're never totally the same. So 20 years of alcohol problems might have lasting effects.
So this isn't something I love to talk about, but I can't not face it right now. My mom is jealous of my MIL, my MIL asked me to help my brother get a job before they kick him out, my kid & her cousin argued about gay rights & religion, my family doesn't do great at parties where we don't know people and there was lots of crying & overwhelm, cousins wouldn't accept 'leave me alone' from my kids, and I kind of saw it as my responsibility to make sure we Spent Time with the people we drove 500 miles to see (who also paid for our trip).
Ohio also has a big abortion vote on the ballot in a couple weeks so people kind of need to talk about that to each other but also probably shouldn't? My SIL yelled at her priest about it (not really, but explained the medical & legal ramifications and how many women would die).
We did go to the beach and get ice cream and see some friends. & walk a lot. It is a nice place.
Dan said it best - we love our family - they're even better when they're 500 miles away :)