unconscious decisions

So, part of my Plan for deciding about jobs was - besides gathering infomration - just kind of, mindfully watching myself, and seeing what i think, and trying to figure out What I Want.

I kind of realized today after a stressful meeting that - although i will always have stressful meetings in my life - it doesn't have to be This Same Stuff all the time. And the thing about the meeting was that we are doing HUGE things where i work on a teeny tiny little staff. We are pretty darn good but, as i frequently state, i feel like idk what i'm doing a lot of the time. While I learn, it's exahausting to learn all the time.

Today i feel just BLEH. I don't like either choice today!

let's explore this with words

ok i think it's valuable to explore why i feel so icky.

- kinda bummed in general because ty's sick and meg's getting sick. that's not fun. i've felt 'meh' about leaving them home alone together to watch youtube & eat chips. my mom says that sounds terrible but i think for 6 & 11 year olds it's part of the best summer ever. Meg hates camp. I'm not going to drag her to camp if she hates it when it's still Summer Vacation and you only get x number of those in your life. Plus she helps Ty even though she's younger. Plus we have Working Phones at home now. Tys' a lot better but he has double ear infection & asthma acting up. She has coughs.

- i do need 3 root canals but i am not feeling pain. i do have a broken tooth with a filling exposed, that can't be good (it's one of those root canal areas) (they're probably going to give up on it). Dan wonders how much better i'll feel when i don't have big tooth problems. Like, if you're fighting detal infecctions and need a root canal but dont' feel anything weird? how tired does that make you?

- we're doing an Art Thing with my late dad's poetry and that's a lot of feelings involved. i'm spending most of my free time making random artworks to help beef up our booth at the show.

So those are 'circumstances' factors that are affecting me.
more later.