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the 'here's why i do that' thing
Feb. 5th, 2019 09:17 amI think church was helpful for me this week, maybe just for slowing down my heart rate and being still and present for a while. The sermon was on Jesus' Radical Sayings: "Deny yourself and follow me" and the pastor was saying, look, you don't need to give away everything you own and then i thought my own thoughts for a while and i wasn't paying attention.
I think what i needed to hear was - 'it's not about me. just follow your calling and do your best.' So, for the last 48 hours, i've been trying to stop the brain patterns of 'am i making the right decisions? is this the best thing to do right now?' and stop thinking about ME. I've been stuck in that pattern for too long without making any progress - because honestly what i'm seeking is validation that i'm doing the right things, and whatever validation i'd get wouldn't be enough. I'm looking for a Right or Wrong and there isn't one.
So as my dad would say: just keep plugging away. So i'm trying to stop the self-judgement all the time. And when I catch myself going down that path trying to say: pause on that, go a different path.
--
part two of this is discovering why i've been doing that: it's because I am, indeed, a little out of my element, and trying to learn how to do it SO HARD (learning not just the specific tasks for this job, and all the knowledge about careers & stem & manufacturing I need to know, and all the event management that I know how to do but worry i forget details - there's all that learning, plus the complexity of the issue we're trying to solve. What else is challenging is managing the growing demand & recognition, and focusing on the correct aspects of the job (fundraising? Marketing? Big picture discussions? Event management? Statewide network? Education?) so sometimes last week i was getting a bit paralyzed by the hugeness, and then compounding it i was thinking that maybe I shouldn't do the big picture stuff and just keep doing what the people before me did, and then I was thinking 'is it my ego that wants the big picture stuff? do i want to be The Person That Solved it?' And the realization that, it's not so much my ego that wants to solve it, as that's kind of what people seem to expect from me in this local area.
And I don't think anyone has ever had this specific job at this time in this town before :)
On my strenghtsfinders are: Responsibility, Achievement, Intellection, Ideation & Individualization. Those first 4 have been kinda fighting it out for control. Responsbilitiy just wants to get things done. Achievement & Intell/Ideation want to find ways to do it better.
Part 3:
I also tried to be specific about what my fears are. I'm afraid that the 2 new softwares I implemented last year - that one or both was the wrong choice and I let my 'try to do things better' drive get carried away. Well, a) it made sense at the time and it was well-researched and there were reasons we did it, b) might not be perfect but we have some improvements for sure. One of our programs does things the old way and I'm like OH YEAH. THAT IS WHY WE DID THAT and C) Ok even the best leaders make mistakes sometimes and they recover, and i'm really not trying to be The Best, I'm just trying to do a good job (and this may not even be a mistake)
Fear 2: That sometimes when i go to statewide events on this topic i'm getting too far into the weeds (because farms? jk) but there are reasons I do that too. I can either not go next time, or I can go. Depending on what we learn. And honestly, since as i mentioned above this is a new field, my heart/brain/gut say "yes, learn from others" while it's only the fear that says "stay home and focus."
Fear 3: That I make things too complicated. Ok, one particular project was stumping me, and i was running in circles on it, so i wrote out the circle steps in a fake email. (If i use google drive for this, and i have to set up new folders for these 5, why don't i set up new folders for everyone, and if i do that, i should do it right, and use a better program) - see where the big jump is? I do NOT need to do new folders for everyone at this time.
Part 4: I probably need to see a therapist but i don't know any and not sure when i'd make the time. Shrug. so at least i'm TRYING to work through this stuff on my own.
Ok that's it for now! thanks, dreamwidth
I think what i needed to hear was - 'it's not about me. just follow your calling and do your best.' So, for the last 48 hours, i've been trying to stop the brain patterns of 'am i making the right decisions? is this the best thing to do right now?' and stop thinking about ME. I've been stuck in that pattern for too long without making any progress - because honestly what i'm seeking is validation that i'm doing the right things, and whatever validation i'd get wouldn't be enough. I'm looking for a Right or Wrong and there isn't one.
So as my dad would say: just keep plugging away. So i'm trying to stop the self-judgement all the time. And when I catch myself going down that path trying to say: pause on that, go a different path.
--
part two of this is discovering why i've been doing that: it's because I am, indeed, a little out of my element, and trying to learn how to do it SO HARD (learning not just the specific tasks for this job, and all the knowledge about careers & stem & manufacturing I need to know, and all the event management that I know how to do but worry i forget details - there's all that learning, plus the complexity of the issue we're trying to solve. What else is challenging is managing the growing demand & recognition, and focusing on the correct aspects of the job (fundraising? Marketing? Big picture discussions? Event management? Statewide network? Education?) so sometimes last week i was getting a bit paralyzed by the hugeness, and then compounding it i was thinking that maybe I shouldn't do the big picture stuff and just keep doing what the people before me did, and then I was thinking 'is it my ego that wants the big picture stuff? do i want to be The Person That Solved it?' And the realization that, it's not so much my ego that wants to solve it, as that's kind of what people seem to expect from me in this local area.
And I don't think anyone has ever had this specific job at this time in this town before :)
On my strenghtsfinders are: Responsibility, Achievement, Intellection, Ideation & Individualization. Those first 4 have been kinda fighting it out for control. Responsbilitiy just wants to get things done. Achievement & Intell/Ideation want to find ways to do it better.
Part 3:
I also tried to be specific about what my fears are. I'm afraid that the 2 new softwares I implemented last year - that one or both was the wrong choice and I let my 'try to do things better' drive get carried away. Well, a) it made sense at the time and it was well-researched and there were reasons we did it, b) might not be perfect but we have some improvements for sure. One of our programs does things the old way and I'm like OH YEAH. THAT IS WHY WE DID THAT and C) Ok even the best leaders make mistakes sometimes and they recover, and i'm really not trying to be The Best, I'm just trying to do a good job (and this may not even be a mistake)
Fear 2: That sometimes when i go to statewide events on this topic i'm getting too far into the weeds (because farms? jk) but there are reasons I do that too. I can either not go next time, or I can go. Depending on what we learn. And honestly, since as i mentioned above this is a new field, my heart/brain/gut say "yes, learn from others" while it's only the fear that says "stay home and focus."
Fear 3: That I make things too complicated. Ok, one particular project was stumping me, and i was running in circles on it, so i wrote out the circle steps in a fake email. (If i use google drive for this, and i have to set up new folders for these 5, why don't i set up new folders for everyone, and if i do that, i should do it right, and use a better program) - see where the big jump is? I do NOT need to do new folders for everyone at this time.
Part 4: I probably need to see a therapist but i don't know any and not sure when i'd make the time. Shrug. so at least i'm TRYING to work through this stuff on my own.
Ok that's it for now! thanks, dreamwidth