moody monday but not that moody

[alicevangeline]

• It is rainy today! rainy is less dreary than cloudy. (Yesterday took the Megs to a mall we haven't been to yet, and it was A Good Mall, but I had to google 'why do long drives on cloudy days make me sleepy' and there is science to it involving dim light and melatonin! ) 
• Being 13 suckkkkks. Apparently I just kept being on Meg's last nerve this weekend and she was snapping at me and etc. I tried to balance 'not snapping back' and 'not taking that.' Eventually she chilled out and cheered up, and we got to the car and I took a few minutes to vibe and figure out how to say a thing. I told her, 'it feels weird to me when you're snapping at me and I've just bought you stuff, but I also acknowledge that how you act and how I care for you shouldn't necessarily be linked because it feels like there should be no strings attached, and I appreciate when you Do What You Can to not take out your temper on me.' And she accepted all that mostly - she apologized that we didn't do anything for me to make it fair, because she was full of rage in Torrid and I didn't get a chance to get Pants That Fit, and she called it 'because we couldn't stop yapping at each other.' (Ok, boo, because you were overwhelmed and snapping at me, so we left - I actually did say 'yeah, we didn't stay because I was worried about you'.)Anyway, I was real with her without guilting her and we didn't spiral, and we listened to music and were cheerfully singing along.
• as we begin The Purge and Pack of the house, I traded in some stuff to gamestop, and in return got a Kirby shirt for each kid and only spent $10 out of pocket. Not baad.* I finally mailed in a duplicate plush we'd bought (because it took so long we thought maybe the order was never confirmed, so we reordered, and then we got 2.
• The other thing about being 13, is I know what I was going through then. And also: one of M's classmates died suddenly on Thursday night. Not one she knew well.

It is a tragic thing - what I know from the news and social media is that a teen jumped off a small bridge into a rushing, icy river. Social media is full of stuff about it, the news had sensational pictures of all the water rescue and helicopter, etc. I'm putting it in the middle of this post because even though I have feelings about it because of work stuff, and my traumas, and 'that was m's classmate,' I don't want to be ghoulish and pretend it's my issue. I read a lot of cozy british stuff and these women get so excited about gossip and news, and I don't wanna be like that. So I felt pretty heavy about all of that on Friday, but since my colleagues had to Actually Deal With It (like cancel a field trip, and Not Talk to the News, and order pizza for the school, and figure out what kind of message to send out). And, literally, the People Who Are In Charge have offices next to mine on either side, and we were supposed to have the door locked against the media but I didn't know that and unlocked it and a reporter came and coworkers did a no comment (because there's an investigation). I guess there's a bit of alice-trauma-reactivation going on with all of this too. Anyway on a beautiful Friday they sent me and a colleague to assist with transporting 45 domino's pizzas to the school. And all the counselors from the district were there, and I vaguely remember when two of my classmates died in middle school, one from a seizure/epilepsy and one from leukemia the year after. So I remember the school's response of 'counselors are available'. M seems ok about it, she didn't recognize the name of the individual. But it may also explain her snippiness, because she'd heard the sirens on thursday and asked me about them, and was going to skip school due to the field trip, and it was cancelled, so she asked me about that too. So saturday afternoon I told her what i know, because she needs to hear it, and preferably not from a Fellow Kid. So even if she didn't know the student, that's a Thing to deal with.

(She is also dealing with the things like autism, anxiety, potential OCD, stutter, being queer, and National Turmoil although she's avoiding that bc she's a kid). Sometimes I feel like I let her get away with too much attitude, but she is Dealing With A Lot, and honestly, I do okay balancing empathy for all of that and giving her some leeway, and Letting Her Know that the aggression will not stand.) *

Apparently that's more of a chunk of my heart/head than I wanted to give it credit for.

Anyway, that's that.

* Got the MiBox truck! got the quote for the heating system replace!  got alternate financing option!  Wheeeeee.  Dan is springing into action about all of this.
* My heart seems pretty good! I had a cat scan on friday checking on the size of the PAVM and it's Not Appreciable. lol.  Also did metabolic test about kidneys and that's pretty good too. (Now we just get the checks on the rhythm from the monitor and we'll be all set. 
* Meanwhile Dan continues to feel kind of lousy all the time, and he finally brought paperwork to the dr office to get a primary dr for the first time in like, ten years? Hoping he's ok too.

* The last thing I wanted to talk about this morning 
I don't really want to talk to people I don't know about moving. (And also I had Fear about it this weekend, but it's just fear, not actual doubt.). I guess because it's been such a thing in my head, and I don't want to explain it to people, and they're going to ask things I don't want to share.  As you know, all of this moving stuff is really personal - values, and grief, and safety, and affirmation, and I don't want to tell people about all that.

HOWEVER, I think I can say 'well, our house was really designed for 3 generation living, and it's someone else's turn for it.' That might work. 

Comments

[replyhazy]

I hate moving so much. Sending you good vibes.