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Dec. 17th, 2025 08:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alicevangeline A couple weeks back in therapy I felt like talking about my various Me Too moments, and I won't go into detail. This is what I said then and want to say now: it could have been worse - and that means many things.
It means both, Things Didn't Go That Far So Don't Worry, and also, These People Had Power Over Me And I Was Lucky (andmanypeoplearenotsolucky). If I ever talk about these moments I want myself and listener to 'right size' it and, like, I know human suffering isn't a competition, but it's like --- I want to leave enough slices of sympathy pie left for other people - I allow myself a sliver.
Same with most of my other traumas --- big in my life at the time, I have compassion and sympathy for Past Alice, but .....perspective.
So hard.
I think my informal word of the year in 2024 was nonbinary and trying to remember to see things that way, and it's really hard, the brain naturally wants to categorize. So fighting against that is exhausting, but I think it's accurate and ethical to try.
(Like, when I say 'my trauma' - we're not talking worst case scenaria here, but yes, it still falls under the category of unpleasant and bad and I need to heal from it.).
sidequest -- it's apparently even harder for neurodivergent people to think nonbinary, which is interesting because when it comes to gender, many nonbinary PEOPLE are autistic. Here is my theory: Because of honesty/accuracy/categorization drives in autistic people, when they realize they don't feel exactly like their cisgender presents, they say 'however, this third category is the most honest for me, and I fit neatly into this third category.' Like how some folks say "fully straight people are lying to themselves." (I don't know if I agree with that, but it's probably, like true of some folks and not others.)
Anyway, perspective is tough - trying not to minimize and make myself smaller to make others comfortable, and the reality of 'i gotta put that in a box mostly and not think about it, but sure, it comes up sometimes' and the reality that some people did have objectively worse things happen.
IDK.
It means both, Things Didn't Go That Far So Don't Worry, and also, These People Had Power Over Me And I Was Lucky (andmanypeoplearenotsolucky). If I ever talk about these moments I want myself and listener to 'right size' it and, like, I know human suffering isn't a competition, but it's like --- I want to leave enough slices of sympathy pie left for other people - I allow myself a sliver.
Same with most of my other traumas --- big in my life at the time, I have compassion and sympathy for Past Alice, but .....perspective.
So hard.
I think my informal word of the year in 2024 was nonbinary and trying to remember to see things that way, and it's really hard, the brain naturally wants to categorize. So fighting against that is exhausting, but I think it's accurate and ethical to try.
(Like, when I say 'my trauma' - we're not talking worst case scenaria here, but yes, it still falls under the category of unpleasant and bad and I need to heal from it.).
sidequest -- it's apparently even harder for neurodivergent people to think nonbinary, which is interesting because when it comes to gender, many nonbinary PEOPLE are autistic. Here is my theory: Because of honesty/accuracy/categorization drives in autistic people, when they realize they don't feel exactly like their cisgender presents, they say 'however, this third category is the most honest for me, and I fit neatly into this third category.' Like how some folks say "fully straight people are lying to themselves." (I don't know if I agree with that, but it's probably, like true of some folks and not others.)
Anyway, perspective is tough - trying not to minimize and make myself smaller to make others comfortable, and the reality of 'i gotta put that in a box mostly and not think about it, but sure, it comes up sometimes' and the reality that some people did have objectively worse things happen.
IDK.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 08:39 pm (UTC)I am not precisely everything a square claims to be, nor am I a circle, therefore, please meet the new shape, Squircle. And I am squircle.
(I think this is how my older kid sees it.)