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alicevangelineI'm a little mess of feelings today, but guess what - I was on the brink of despair and crying-all-morning but managed to calm myself down, ....or is it up? when you feel down and despairing but then you calm, it feels more like a steady lift.
Note on how I did that today:
stopped doing anything at all, closed my eyes and breathed for a little bit
while thinking 'yeah, it does make sense that you feel all kinds of ways, you don't have to do anything to solve stuff right NOW, and you don't even have to fight the despair, just be here, just exist, and putter around for a bit.'
I think I can share a few things without shaking the platform I built:
- first, nothing especially terrible is happening, but there are threats.
- meg is sick again and like, is it autoimmune? is it psychosomatic? I remind myself I am not qualified to figure that out and just accept she doesn't feel good today, and remind her she has to go to school tomorrow unless she's very obviously sick and worse. And while I could invite her to Power Through, there's been enough symptoms recently (as well as germs going around) that instead of powering through it'd be like ....pushing a lump of dough at a door. It's not going to go 'thru.' it's going to just squish up. her blood work was kind of weird so I am trying to get a follow up appt.
- I've been learning about grind-culture and the whole labor/oppression thing from Rest is Resistance (etc). It is hard to be learning about that, but also participate in the system, and also that is how we were raised, and also I'm white, and also Rules About Attendance. So. Making the right choice is hard.
- I remind myself I'm using my best judgement and I don't have to be 'right.'
- Work - part of looking for a new job is the General Uncertainty afoot, because I'm not even sure I'll have a job -- my boss and important-lady-friend tell me that I do have a role to play, but also last night boss was texting me last night, asking how much time I spend on different parts of things, trying to get enough blocks of time to add up to a full-time job, 'in preparation for meeting with admin team.' And I did overhear people talking about me, jobs at central office, etc. Important-lady was arguing for me, which is great. But clearly she and boss are needing to justify my position when we're going to need to make cuts. This happened 2 years ago in my old job here, and it's such a drag. I'm not panicked about it, but I just feel kind of low and blah about it. On one hand these folks reassure me, try to keep me, but on the other I'm just vulnerable. amidst this, don't forget: we might be adding a town or subtracting two others from the district in the next year or so! I think we learn about the subtraction on Thursday from the state board of ed. And if that happens, is there more need for me, or less - and do I want to deal with it.
- I'm also pissed that my state is literally breaking its own law regarding state public education funding, while increasing funds for charter schools. It's boring. I might do a tiktok about it though.
I was thinking on the drive today that I essentially have a fight-or-flight thing going regarding Bad Government --- that I alternate between the two. It might not be panic, but I do alternate between trying to Do Things To Help People And Fix Systems, and Fuck It, Let's Move to Canada/VT/Mass/New Zealand.
- and as i've been trying to figure out 'so what do we want to do, actually,' it's hard to pin it down.
- re: moving, i'm already pretty lonely, and if we went very far away it would be worse. I asked myself what it'd be like to go back to ohio, for example, where I have some family and friends still. (My conclusion there is, I don't really wanna do that unless some big catastrophe happens to my family or my brother's family.)
- So, what i THINK I want, is to live near brattleboro or keene. I told Dan I want easy access to yoga studios and thai food, honestly. They're 'indicators.'
Brattleboro is in vt, which accomlishes my 'live where the govt cares about you' goal. It's half hour south of my friend, is v cool without being crowded.
Keene is in NH and while the state is being dumb, there are lots of people in Keene fighting the stupidity. The cool charter school and meg's therapist is there. it's still nh, but I could also access the personal & professional network I HAVE built. And if I don't totally give up on that keep doing the 'fixing things' I've been trying to do.
One challenge is the dissonance between:
-
So ultimately there's a ton of uncertainty right now (kids education and medical! Gov stuff (including local/state/fed)!, job!). I feel like i have no idea what's going to happen next. Hunting for jobs and houses is a way for me to regain some control (but it's also logical), And, the problem with that hunt is that I have different ideas about what i want: like, do I want vanilla soft serve on a crunchy cone? Or do I want nachos? They're great but totally different, and for different Parts of me.
====
update:
While all the Budget Nonsense is going on and people are like 'yeah but do we need all these positions where alice works?' boss basically said 'if she goes, i go' as well as reiterating that I'm not his 'assistant' and that I have my own work entirely separate from his. His is negotiations, pips, meetings, etc. I assist as needed, sure, but that's very validating.
Note on how I did that today:
stopped doing anything at all, closed my eyes and breathed for a little bit
while thinking 'yeah, it does make sense that you feel all kinds of ways, you don't have to do anything to solve stuff right NOW, and you don't even have to fight the despair, just be here, just exist, and putter around for a bit.'
I think I can share a few things without shaking the platform I built:
- first, nothing especially terrible is happening, but there are threats.
- meg is sick again and like, is it autoimmune? is it psychosomatic? I remind myself I am not qualified to figure that out and just accept she doesn't feel good today, and remind her she has to go to school tomorrow unless she's very obviously sick and worse. And while I could invite her to Power Through, there's been enough symptoms recently (as well as germs going around) that instead of powering through it'd be like ....pushing a lump of dough at a door. It's not going to go 'thru.' it's going to just squish up. her blood work was kind of weird so I am trying to get a follow up appt.
- I've been learning about grind-culture and the whole labor/oppression thing from Rest is Resistance (etc). It is hard to be learning about that, but also participate in the system, and also that is how we were raised, and also I'm white, and also Rules About Attendance. So. Making the right choice is hard.
- I remind myself I'm using my best judgement and I don't have to be 'right.'
- Work - part of looking for a new job is the General Uncertainty afoot, because I'm not even sure I'll have a job -- my boss and important-lady-friend tell me that I do have a role to play, but also last night boss was texting me last night, asking how much time I spend on different parts of things, trying to get enough blocks of time to add up to a full-time job, 'in preparation for meeting with admin team.' And I did overhear people talking about me, jobs at central office, etc. Important-lady was arguing for me, which is great. But clearly she and boss are needing to justify my position when we're going to need to make cuts. This happened 2 years ago in my old job here, and it's such a drag. I'm not panicked about it, but I just feel kind of low and blah about it. On one hand these folks reassure me, try to keep me, but on the other I'm just vulnerable. amidst this, don't forget: we might be adding a town or subtracting two others from the district in the next year or so! I think we learn about the subtraction on Thursday from the state board of ed. And if that happens, is there more need for me, or less - and do I want to deal with it.
- I'm also pissed that my state is literally breaking its own law regarding state public education funding, while increasing funds for charter schools. It's boring. I might do a tiktok about it though.
I was thinking on the drive today that I essentially have a fight-or-flight thing going regarding Bad Government --- that I alternate between the two. It might not be panic, but I do alternate between trying to Do Things To Help People And Fix Systems, and Fuck It, Let's Move to Canada/VT/Mass/New Zealand.
- and as i've been trying to figure out 'so what do we want to do, actually,' it's hard to pin it down.
- re: moving, i'm already pretty lonely, and if we went very far away it would be worse. I asked myself what it'd be like to go back to ohio, for example, where I have some family and friends still. (My conclusion there is, I don't really wanna do that unless some big catastrophe happens to my family or my brother's family.)
- So, what i THINK I want, is to live near brattleboro or keene. I told Dan I want easy access to yoga studios and thai food, honestly. They're 'indicators.'
Brattleboro is in vt, which accomlishes my 'live where the govt cares about you' goal. It's half hour south of my friend, is v cool without being crowded.
Keene is in NH and while the state is being dumb, there are lots of people in Keene fighting the stupidity. The cool charter school and meg's therapist is there. it's still nh, but I could also access the personal & professional network I HAVE built. And if I don't totally give up on that keep doing the 'fixing things' I've been trying to do.
One challenge is the dissonance between:
- 'make sure I can get meg to a school that works for her for the next 4.5 years' and
- 'don't make a long-term plan with a short-term situation in mind, she won't be in school forever (nor will Ty), so figure out what you actually want -this is probably your penultimate house that you're looking for?'
- "Yes, but it still needs to not be a nightmare in the short term."
-
So ultimately there's a ton of uncertainty right now (kids education and medical! Gov stuff (including local/state/fed)!, job!). I feel like i have no idea what's going to happen next. Hunting for jobs and houses is a way for me to regain some control (but it's also logical), And, the problem with that hunt is that I have different ideas about what i want: like, do I want vanilla soft serve on a crunchy cone? Or do I want nachos? They're great but totally different, and for different Parts of me.
====
update:
While all the Budget Nonsense is going on and people are like 'yeah but do we need all these positions where alice works?' boss basically said 'if she goes, i go' as well as reiterating that I'm not his 'assistant' and that I have my own work entirely separate from his. His is negotiations, pips, meetings, etc. I assist as needed, sure, but that's very validating.