Does anyone else grade themselves on 'lost items?'

It's like:
- Yes it makes sense that I couldn't FIND it immediately, good job hiding it from yourself
- Also this is not a stupid place for it to be and you are not a stupid human just forgetful
- because forgetful and distracted is better than 'careless' 

I lost some keys for a day.  I figured they either 'broke off my key chain" or "i took them off for a reason" so they would be somewhere they got wrenched away when I was busy (like, in a backpack under stuff) or, if I removed them on purpose, what would i have done with them?

AND. Indeed they were in my coat pocket - a coat I haven't worn for 2 weeks, which is incidentally how long it's been since i actually needed the key..

(no subject)

 I think what upsets me most on days I feel overwhelmed and unsure where to begin is that I usually can't pinpoint the 'how did i get here' moment.

even when it FEELS like I'm drowning, I'm really not, and it may or may not be a mess of my own making.

I am not sure if I'd prefer if it's my own damn fault, or if it isn't.


I think I need to do a diagram of my work right now using a tree as the basis. And I think I may need to prune or get gardeners or something.


All the branches are growing and they all have these twigs. And the twigs have twigs.  Part of that is 'growing a program/new job' and part of that is life/work for any normal person and part of that is that my brain goes down every rabbit hole and says 'this sounds like a great idea, whoa wait, stop, is it thought' and rarely do I put 'i don't have time' as a reason to not do something, because if I managed my time better i probably could.

I need to start thinking abou tmy capacity as more of a 'i cannot THINK about that many things' rather than 'i don't have enough hours in the day.' And that it's not because i'm forgetful or neurodivergent or even that i'm insufficient in any particular way, it's just that I have limits and apparently I'm nearing or exceeding them.   I will say part of this me panicking moment could probably be diverted with more cooperation with other people - call it supervision, call it support, or whatever - but as of now there are structures that don't invite me in, told me to hit the ground running and certain destinations to hit, and that's all really. I want to be entrepreneurial and manage myself, but if we call it cooperation rather than 'supervision' i think that's accurate.  What i'm being asked to do is essentially shift a paradigm and I shouldn't try to do that in a vaccuum.

I guess one of my next projects, therefore, is figure out a way to connect with the Admin team even if I don't join the team - a weekly update with 'i'm working on this, inquire if you want more info, hit pause if there's an issue'.  And maybe the thing can be written out so it doesn't take TIME during the meeting, but then people won't read it.  Oh well.  I'll suggest it.

See this is how I end up with more projects.