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if I can string the words together....
Apr. 1st, 2024 07:59 amBetween the Springtiminess, medication shifts, therapy, and grief being less raw, I'm boggled by how much better I feel!
ALSO I have a success at work that makes me excited and happy, and the kids are not experiencing depression, so all of that helps so much.
--
I did an exercise with my therapist last week where I had to introduce current-me to teenage-me. She's locked herself in a tower protected by briars and stuff, like Sleeping Beauty. Maybe she's been asleep all along, IDK, but we met at the portcullis and she was willing to look out at the world and consider coming out from time to time.
--
That feels weird to talk about, but realizing that she and I would honestly be mutually impressed is a nice thing. It was a breath of fresh air for the soul. And, one thing I've been struggling about is that I consider msyelf creative and artsy, but I don't feel like i look the part, and it's not quite right for me to have fun hair, for example. All of this is wrapped up in identity stuff of some kind - but I have a nice thought about that too. For me, being artsy is a spice - a sprinkling. It's not the whole flavor. So I can be kinda bougie or boho or boring depending on the day - however much spice I'm feeling. And I feel most 'me' when I'm kinda regular but with sprinklings of flavor. (Like, my black tank with embroidered yoke is an example of something I enjoy wearing that feels 'me,' - but is also literally plain but with added flavor. Like remember when i was sure I was going to become a butterfly and i ended up really brown and boring?).
Same with my fairy cottage and hanging up my sparkly crystal teardrops -- these are accents, these are embroideries, they're spices, they're not the whole damn meal or outfit.
I take quizzes like 'choose a turkey sandwich and we'll tell you what disney princess you are' and I try to figure which blend of My Little Ponies I am -and like, many kids' shows have a character associated with an element (even Captain Planet!) but we're all blends, we're all spectra, with more or less of different bits. None of this is earth shattering but we try to simplify our worlds by putting things into neat little boxes and they never FIT. My cat Jetti sits in a longways Polar Seltzer box the WRONG WAY. She sits perpendicular to its axis. That's us. That's how we try to fit our types into boxes.
Anyway I'm not totally sure if this makes sense, or is in any way relevant, but the conclusion is that I have kind been looking for myself but I didn't know what myself would look like, and turns out I wasn't in the crystal shops or craft stores or makerspaces but I was in a tower all along.
ALSO I have a success at work that makes me excited and happy, and the kids are not experiencing depression, so all of that helps so much.
--
I did an exercise with my therapist last week where I had to introduce current-me to teenage-me. She's locked herself in a tower protected by briars and stuff, like Sleeping Beauty. Maybe she's been asleep all along, IDK, but we met at the portcullis and she was willing to look out at the world and consider coming out from time to time.
--
That feels weird to talk about, but realizing that she and I would honestly be mutually impressed is a nice thing. It was a breath of fresh air for the soul. And, one thing I've been struggling about is that I consider msyelf creative and artsy, but I don't feel like i look the part, and it's not quite right for me to have fun hair, for example. All of this is wrapped up in identity stuff of some kind - but I have a nice thought about that too. For me, being artsy is a spice - a sprinkling. It's not the whole flavor. So I can be kinda bougie or boho or boring depending on the day - however much spice I'm feeling. And I feel most 'me' when I'm kinda regular but with sprinklings of flavor. (Like, my black tank with embroidered yoke is an example of something I enjoy wearing that feels 'me,' - but is also literally plain but with added flavor. Like remember when i was sure I was going to become a butterfly and i ended up really brown and boring?).
Same with my fairy cottage and hanging up my sparkly crystal teardrops -- these are accents, these are embroideries, they're spices, they're not the whole damn meal or outfit.
I take quizzes like 'choose a turkey sandwich and we'll tell you what disney princess you are' and I try to figure which blend of My Little Ponies I am -and like, many kids' shows have a character associated with an element (even Captain Planet!) but we're all blends, we're all spectra, with more or less of different bits. None of this is earth shattering but we try to simplify our worlds by putting things into neat little boxes and they never FIT. My cat Jetti sits in a longways Polar Seltzer box the WRONG WAY. She sits perpendicular to its axis. That's us. That's how we try to fit our types into boxes.
Anyway I'm not totally sure if this makes sense, or is in any way relevant, but the conclusion is that I have kind been looking for myself but I didn't know what myself would look like, and turns out I wasn't in the crystal shops or craft stores or makerspaces but I was in a tower all along.