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Jun. 14th, 2023 02:51 pm oh here's an idea -
So I'm out of my comfort zone helping somebody that needs it and the established systems don't seem to be working for this person, right? And I feel all uncertain and wobbly about it? It's partly because there are, indeed, hazards (me stepping on toes, breaking rules I don't know about, fighting the vague smoke monster that is 'boundaries', giving bad advice, am i using my time wisely?). (These are risks and hazards, BUT, dear anxiety, thank you for the heads up about them, we will duly note these hazards and use appropriate caution.)
That's the background, here's the idea: it occurs to me that even if I feel scared to be the person who ends up doing the helping, that doesn't mean it's 'my fault.' Let me put it another way: 1. I asked the case manager how she wants to proceed 2. i checked with my boss about it 3. i looked in the staff policy book. 4. I even stayed late on Tuesday and had myself a little crying meltdown of my own with the kiddo's teacher because of contagious anxiety and also feeling so uncertain. Yes it sucked but it was a good convo.
Basically, I've given everyone involved Ample Opportunity to 'invite' me to butt out, so there's that, and I can quit worrying about it. But what that tells me, though, is that I am indeed the best person they've currently got to deal with this kiddo.
That is a balm to my ego, of course, but from a systems perspective that's a little scary. I mean, I'm glad they've got me and I'm a good match for this kid, but I kinda feel like the case manager has dropped the ball pretty far and it rolled away. Like, why doesn't this kid have an aide? She needs one, and doesn't have one, ergo = me. What's up with the accommodations for her sensory? Do they exist? why aren't they implemented? If her mom were still around, she would advocate hard for this kid, to the best of her ability. But she died, a year ago, next Tuesday. So kiddo is trying to Keep It Together and pass classes and 'not end up in the psych ward' again.
I am not at all sure about this idea, but it's possible that the "Why am I doing this? Am I the right person to be doing this?" question isn't so much about me, but it's also because "maybe someone else should actually be doing this and they are not." Just maybe.
So I'm out of my comfort zone helping somebody that needs it and the established systems don't seem to be working for this person, right? And I feel all uncertain and wobbly about it? It's partly because there are, indeed, hazards (me stepping on toes, breaking rules I don't know about, fighting the vague smoke monster that is 'boundaries', giving bad advice, am i using my time wisely?). (These are risks and hazards, BUT, dear anxiety, thank you for the heads up about them, we will duly note these hazards and use appropriate caution.)
That's the background, here's the idea: it occurs to me that even if I feel scared to be the person who ends up doing the helping, that doesn't mean it's 'my fault.' Let me put it another way: 1. I asked the case manager how she wants to proceed 2. i checked with my boss about it 3. i looked in the staff policy book. 4. I even stayed late on Tuesday and had myself a little crying meltdown of my own with the kiddo's teacher because of contagious anxiety and also feeling so uncertain. Yes it sucked but it was a good convo.
Basically, I've given everyone involved Ample Opportunity to 'invite' me to butt out, so there's that, and I can quit worrying about it. But what that tells me, though, is that I am indeed the best person they've currently got to deal with this kiddo.
That is a balm to my ego, of course, but from a systems perspective that's a little scary. I mean, I'm glad they've got me and I'm a good match for this kid, but I kinda feel like the case manager has dropped the ball pretty far and it rolled away. Like, why doesn't this kid have an aide? She needs one, and doesn't have one, ergo = me. What's up with the accommodations for her sensory? Do they exist? why aren't they implemented? If her mom were still around, she would advocate hard for this kid, to the best of her ability. But she died, a year ago, next Tuesday. So kiddo is trying to Keep It Together and pass classes and 'not end up in the psych ward' again.
I am not at all sure about this idea, but it's possible that the "Why am I doing this? Am I the right person to be doing this?" question isn't so much about me, but it's also because "maybe someone else should actually be doing this and they are not." Just maybe.