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Curious: the sober stoner
Jan. 19th, 2022 10:07 ama lot going on In My Head right now and a lot of it is GOOD. I'll try to make sense outside my own head.
First thing. The stupid impossible project (plan a summer camp but the boss doesn't want to do one but if we do it has to be perfect but we don't want to outsource from anyone we might embarrass nor anyone that might not be good enough and also the boss doesn't even want to do a summer camp and also covid) has been RESOLVED for now. I can't plan a thing when nobody agrees on what should be planned, right?
(And I actually DO have the chutzpah to fight for my own ideas, but in this culture/environment, it wouldn't do me any favors. I was thinking that 'I'm not loud enough to voice my own opinion' and actually, that's not quite true. I can be. But here, that's not the role. Plus also idgaf anymore.)
ANYWAY, the glory and tragedy of it is that we're going with one of the things we all discussed a month ago and dismissed, and someone spoke up with a great collaboration idea I would have love to have heard a month ago. I really, really tried to not Be Defensive while also standing up for myself a bit. I feel called out on the carpet about last year's camp, right, except that I know there wasn't a whole lot else we could have done. And when people were asking The Committee (including me) why we didn't discuss this sooner, I finally had to say 'we've been working on the format for months now.' And i stopped short of saying 'we had an education director for months, and it would have been her job to do this. are ever going to acknowledge that?' I am fucking FILLING IN doing this, and I like it, but it is NOT WHAT I WAS HIRED TO DO. Give me a break, lady.
So, that's that, for now. (The local tech camp, and our committee member is part of it, is going to do field trips to our place.)
I'm sure it'll rear its ugly head again.
----
What's interesting about it is that I was within a few deep breaths of quitting yesterday before this meeting because everyone seems so childish about it all, and I just felt "i cannot succeed at this." It's possible childish is a bit pot/kettle here. Anyway I bring up the thing because right about then the boss called me in to say that he and the chairman, who are the dissenters, would be on the call to explain their position so we could get it sorted. I notice that boss is trying to solve the exact issue that's currently most problematic, and that helps.
On Monday I drove myself bonkerscrazy because it was a freakin blizzard, right, and I wanted to simultaneously relax a bit while working from home, and I couldn't relax or get shit done (see: impossible task above), so I did job hunting, and made myself crazier because I do have actual skills but they're kind of unusual. Finally I went and snuggled dan and remembered my therapist had told me to NOTICE the feelings.
Ok. That's the thing that I want to keep, because it worked. It made me realize I am NOT the panic, I am INSIDE the panic, and I can step out of it into the light. I was picturing being in Janet-from-the-Good-Place's Void (or Centaurworld's rift, either), and being in a big cloud of Dark with lightning everywhere, and it's really huge, but this is a boundless void, and there's room outside the dark. And shifting the perspective to "notice it" helps me to get OUTSIDE of it. Seeing the forest instead of being in the trees?
And that gave me some time to do a 'so who's I, then.' And 'how do I want to feel.'
----
Two little pieces of popular culture have helped me with a partial answer. One is a ribbit-diculous thread about a frog simply vibin (when answering binary questions.)
The other is: I'm reading a very cute/stupid paranormal rom/com novella ("What the Hex") and there's some lovely stuff in there about being enough, and the big purpose being 'Me.' That being healthy and happy is a worthy enough goal. (Now, I do wonder how ya know when you've dont that too much, and become too self-indulgent, but yeah.)
--
I also revisited Playing Big by Tara Mohr last week when between audiobooks. (I panicked when reading it before because of feeling stuck, but you guys: it's pretty great. Tidbits that I love: You can tell when it's the Inner Critic because the voice is mean. Actual realistic concerns in your head aren't mean, they're curious and wondering how to get *there.* AND I loved the Inner Mentor, which I won't do justice to, but will explain: if you went 20 years into your future and chatted with your future self, and asked them 'what will get me to where you are,' you usually get answers. And sometimes it's trite phrases that are right at the time, like 'trust your gut,' but it's still helpful from your wise old self. A very interesting part was that Tara initially envisioned a crone in a cottage (I exaggerate), alone and wiped out. So she had to stop and think, How do I become a HAPPY old self? How do I keep from becoming an UNHAPPY crone? I think in some ways we're into the vision of being a witch in a cottage, but like, not actually. We don't want to be worn out and alone.)
SO. If you envision your happy future self, see how they're dressed, where they live, what they're into, even those details give you a real goal of who you want to be when you grow up, right?
I think my future self is absolutely chill like a stoner. As in, LIKE a weed-smoking hippie, but I don't really want to get into that. I want to be a SOBER stoner, and keep that vibe - not worrying, just happily noticing, and laughing at silly things, and loving people wholeheartedly.
Honest to god I might be ready to start a pinterest mood board on this.
And by the way, long skirts and long braid and lookin like an art professor = wise old alice.
-----
OH! PS! This year's Guiding Word (which for me is 3 words because that's the point ) is Take Up Space, right? It has a new meaning from the above framework: it also means 'just chillin', just existing, without needing to earn the right to chill. I'm just here, man. Please note, I will still work and do housework and stuff, but I want to return to that energy, and just be.
First thing. The stupid impossible project (plan a summer camp but the boss doesn't want to do one but if we do it has to be perfect but we don't want to outsource from anyone we might embarrass nor anyone that might not be good enough and also the boss doesn't even want to do a summer camp and also covid) has been RESOLVED for now. I can't plan a thing when nobody agrees on what should be planned, right?
(And I actually DO have the chutzpah to fight for my own ideas, but in this culture/environment, it wouldn't do me any favors. I was thinking that 'I'm not loud enough to voice my own opinion' and actually, that's not quite true. I can be. But here, that's not the role. Plus also idgaf anymore.)
ANYWAY, the glory and tragedy of it is that we're going with one of the things we all discussed a month ago and dismissed, and someone spoke up with a great collaboration idea I would have love to have heard a month ago. I really, really tried to not Be Defensive while also standing up for myself a bit. I feel called out on the carpet about last year's camp, right, except that I know there wasn't a whole lot else we could have done. And when people were asking The Committee (including me) why we didn't discuss this sooner, I finally had to say 'we've been working on the format for months now.' And i stopped short of saying 'we had an education director for months, and it would have been her job to do this. are ever going to acknowledge that?' I am fucking FILLING IN doing this, and I like it, but it is NOT WHAT I WAS HIRED TO DO. Give me a break, lady.
So, that's that, for now. (The local tech camp, and our committee member is part of it, is going to do field trips to our place.)
I'm sure it'll rear its ugly head again.
----
What's interesting about it is that I was within a few deep breaths of quitting yesterday before this meeting because everyone seems so childish about it all, and I just felt "i cannot succeed at this." It's possible childish is a bit pot/kettle here. Anyway I bring up the thing because right about then the boss called me in to say that he and the chairman, who are the dissenters, would be on the call to explain their position so we could get it sorted. I notice that boss is trying to solve the exact issue that's currently most problematic, and that helps.
On Monday I drove myself bonkerscrazy because it was a freakin blizzard, right, and I wanted to simultaneously relax a bit while working from home, and I couldn't relax or get shit done (see: impossible task above), so I did job hunting, and made myself crazier because I do have actual skills but they're kind of unusual. Finally I went and snuggled dan and remembered my therapist had told me to NOTICE the feelings.
Ok. That's the thing that I want to keep, because it worked. It made me realize I am NOT the panic, I am INSIDE the panic, and I can step out of it into the light. I was picturing being in Janet-from-the-Good-Place's Void (or Centaurworld's rift, either), and being in a big cloud of Dark with lightning everywhere, and it's really huge, but this is a boundless void, and there's room outside the dark. And shifting the perspective to "notice it" helps me to get OUTSIDE of it. Seeing the forest instead of being in the trees?
And that gave me some time to do a 'so who's I, then.' And 'how do I want to feel.'
----
Two little pieces of popular culture have helped me with a partial answer. One is a ribbit-diculous thread about a frog simply vibin (when answering binary questions.)
The other is: I'm reading a very cute/stupid paranormal rom/com novella ("What the Hex") and there's some lovely stuff in there about being enough, and the big purpose being 'Me.' That being healthy and happy is a worthy enough goal. (Now, I do wonder how ya know when you've dont that too much, and become too self-indulgent, but yeah.)
--
I also revisited Playing Big by Tara Mohr last week when between audiobooks. (I panicked when reading it before because of feeling stuck, but you guys: it's pretty great. Tidbits that I love: You can tell when it's the Inner Critic because the voice is mean. Actual realistic concerns in your head aren't mean, they're curious and wondering how to get *there.* AND I loved the Inner Mentor, which I won't do justice to, but will explain: if you went 20 years into your future and chatted with your future self, and asked them 'what will get me to where you are,' you usually get answers. And sometimes it's trite phrases that are right at the time, like 'trust your gut,' but it's still helpful from your wise old self. A very interesting part was that Tara initially envisioned a crone in a cottage (I exaggerate), alone and wiped out. So she had to stop and think, How do I become a HAPPY old self? How do I keep from becoming an UNHAPPY crone? I think in some ways we're into the vision of being a witch in a cottage, but like, not actually. We don't want to be worn out and alone.)
SO. If you envision your happy future self, see how they're dressed, where they live, what they're into, even those details give you a real goal of who you want to be when you grow up, right?
I think my future self is absolutely chill like a stoner. As in, LIKE a weed-smoking hippie, but I don't really want to get into that. I want to be a SOBER stoner, and keep that vibe - not worrying, just happily noticing, and laughing at silly things, and loving people wholeheartedly.
Honest to god I might be ready to start a pinterest mood board on this.
And by the way, long skirts and long braid and lookin like an art professor = wise old alice.
-----
OH! PS! This year's Guiding Word (which for me is 3 words because that's the point ) is Take Up Space, right? It has a new meaning from the above framework: it also means 'just chillin', just existing, without needing to earn the right to chill. I'm just here, man. Please note, I will still work and do housework and stuff, but I want to return to that energy, and just be.