I guess it's ok to have feelings

Yeah, so, sad dreams about dad being alone and/or missing/wandering/sleeping on the couch/dead last night. And my boss whom I adore, who is older than my dad and treats me just about the same way, I dreamed he was saying goodbye as well. If anything happens to him I'm gonna feel it hard. And it will, someday.

Also, feelings of love and confusion and exhaution and fear are going on as well:

Love, because my husband really doesn't want me to buy a car, but doesn't want to tell me what to do and he wants me to be happy.

Confusion because same -he told me on a scale of 1 out of 10 , with strongest feelings being the 10, he feels about a 6. It was hard to tell because he's so gosh darn gentle about it. Like he really, literally, would never tell me what to do. But while I'm looking at the top end of "we can afford to do this" he's also like "we could afford to NOT, and then we'd have 300 more dollars a month to fix the house or whatever." And then I think "we got raises, we are paying off debt, the cars are old, it's time, i'd like a minivan for a lot of reasons but I'm not sure I actually NEED it" and he's like "I still have to have expensive dental work, and if we save enough we could just BUY a car instead of financing it." And he's worried we'll fritter away our extra money and I'm afraid of that too but I guess we'll create automatic savings processes or something.

I called our financial guy who said yes, it's really ok, you're looking at a pretty good deal, and you can afford it.


So, confusion between "I could buy a nice thing that I want" and "Saving money and taking care of things that i have is a good idea but not something I'm used to or how i was raised." Sometimes I say "I come from a family of artists and musicians and writers. So....being logical and practical is something I work hard at." And my reasons for wanting to do it are FAIRLY logical like "I need a little more cargo space, I want the kids to have more room to not kick us, I want to have a nicer looking car to drive to appointments" (to which Dan replied OMG we are rich people now because it matters that we fit in with people. He's half serious.)

Anyway, both my head and heart are confused about this topic.

Exhaustion and fear: Just work being busy and scary. The more cool stuff we do, the more opportunities to do cool stuff comes our way, and it's not a flimsy house of cards but it feels like that because I'm the one that has to do it all, you know? It's just me, and I do pretty well, but GULP. My boss is very good at saying that we're making a difference. And it's good to remember that when we have big dreams - that we're already making a difference, and it's okay to try to aim big. etc. I joined the countywide leadership class and had our first thing last night and I feel like such a kid. OH well. In moments of clarity I recognize that at least by virtue of my position and stuff that we've gotten done I do actually deserve to be there.


I stopped sniffling and silently weeping at my desk! Got that going for me! I'm so VERY pleased with my pandora station :) I used Pete and Pete's theme song as the seed so I've ended up with happy 90s alternative - lots of smashing pumpkins favorites like Tonight Tonight and the nice cover of Landslide and 33. And Young Pete's elusive song Summerbaby.

Also:
"Two Princes" OMG it has the LYRICS to that song! they are awesome!
and now LOW by Cracker. Good choice, Pandora.