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Hi,
So, I've been both irritable at work and 'down' in general. I figured out being irritable is: a result of people being irritating, plus my threshold of tolerance is lower because 'healing from dental surgery' and 'life changes are scary' and 'mad/scared/grieving the whole entire government.'
But the life changes are scary. And big. and confusing. I kind of have to write a little about it, and you'll see where I feel like a pompous ass.
So, I'm 43. That's a perfectly adequate age. I have an older kid Going To College and a younger kid turning 13, and a husband. I have relatives - including a brother, and brothers-in-law, who live about a thousand miles away, and then my brain chimes in and says "which you chose! you did that to yourself" and my other brain responds 'well actually my brother lived a thousand miles away for over 12 years and then he came back and i moved then he moved again anyway so the fact that he's back home finally wasn't something i could have counted on.'
Growing up, my dad had 6 sisters and 2 brothers. We were close even though some of them lived far away. We're down to two sisters, of the nine mccue kids, and zero brothers. (My mom had one sister and she's still around and awesome). I had a grandma and she died when meg was born.
Having a friend living with us these last six months has helped with the alone-ness of not having the family I used to have. I try to appreciate my inlaws, my brother, and the aunts I have, and the cousins. And I think I do, but let me just say, it is not the same, and I am grieving "family" including but not limited to my parents.
The family I've built, with Dan, is small and interesting. But with Ty going to school it's going to be Different. It's just going to be me and dan and liz and the cats in the house.
Which, I've been aware of, this is not a surprise, and I've braced for it.
But what I didn't expect was the purposelessness, the adriftness. My parents, and the kids, have always given me direction because they always needed or wanted something I could help with. I don't know if I have ever existed without someone telling or asking me to do something with or for them.
I'm down to Dan and Megaliz, and they will, but I'm facing larger periods of time that I have to be Self Directed, and I don't know how to do it, except for 'things I have to do' like bills and cleaning. I've been talking about this a bit with my therapist and we talked about hobbies, the gym, music. I've been pondering launching a nonprofit and taking more planning steps (in my head) for that, but am also trying to think 'is that what I want to do or feel like i'm supposed to do' and if I wait long enough will I move on to something else? ALSO, it's lighting a candle in a warehouse - trying to do something that helps the community, but meanwhile everything that Helps People is bad and unfunded right now...
So I've got all this aimlessness in the back of my head, and my job is bugging me (just dumb stuff like my boss making almost twice what i make, and my computer is too fkin slow, and people ignoring rules). And what I know is, that I get really bored when I have jobs that don't feel like they make a difference over time. That's part of my issue with this job. It just feels like I hire people, type shit, and go home, and play block games on my phone, and sleep, and repeat.
I have maybe 40 more years of figuring out what to DO with myself every day, and that's scary. I'm feeling like I'm at the top of the roller coaster, you know? And just wondering what the fuckin point of all this struggle is, besides that people need me. And that's where I realize I'm a pompous ass - nobody knows the fuckin point. We just are born, struggle, and die, and we try to find meaning in the meanwhile. And that's where I'm a little lost - I haven't had to FIND it before, I've had shit to do or been busy. Or, I've had fun - so I didn't need to find meaning, because fun counts.
So, I mentioned to Liz that I need a hobby, and she says to do more with my gardening, so we'll try to start there, but it helps when it's not sweaty degrees outside.
So, I've been both irritable at work and 'down' in general. I figured out being irritable is: a result of people being irritating, plus my threshold of tolerance is lower because 'healing from dental surgery' and 'life changes are scary' and 'mad/scared/grieving the whole entire government.'
But the life changes are scary. And big. and confusing. I kind of have to write a little about it, and you'll see where I feel like a pompous ass.
So, I'm 43. That's a perfectly adequate age. I have an older kid Going To College and a younger kid turning 13, and a husband. I have relatives - including a brother, and brothers-in-law, who live about a thousand miles away, and then my brain chimes in and says "which you chose! you did that to yourself" and my other brain responds 'well actually my brother lived a thousand miles away for over 12 years and then he came back and i moved then he moved again anyway so the fact that he's back home finally wasn't something i could have counted on.'
Growing up, my dad had 6 sisters and 2 brothers. We were close even though some of them lived far away. We're down to two sisters, of the nine mccue kids, and zero brothers. (My mom had one sister and she's still around and awesome). I had a grandma and she died when meg was born.
Having a friend living with us these last six months has helped with the alone-ness of not having the family I used to have. I try to appreciate my inlaws, my brother, and the aunts I have, and the cousins. And I think I do, but let me just say, it is not the same, and I am grieving "family" including but not limited to my parents.
The family I've built, with Dan, is small and interesting. But with Ty going to school it's going to be Different. It's just going to be me and dan and liz and the cats in the house.
Which, I've been aware of, this is not a surprise, and I've braced for it.
But what I didn't expect was the purposelessness, the adriftness. My parents, and the kids, have always given me direction because they always needed or wanted something I could help with. I don't know if I have ever existed without someone telling or asking me to do something with or for them.
I'm down to Dan and Megaliz, and they will, but I'm facing larger periods of time that I have to be Self Directed, and I don't know how to do it, except for 'things I have to do' like bills and cleaning. I've been talking about this a bit with my therapist and we talked about hobbies, the gym, music. I've been pondering launching a nonprofit and taking more planning steps (in my head) for that, but am also trying to think 'is that what I want to do or feel like i'm supposed to do' and if I wait long enough will I move on to something else? ALSO, it's lighting a candle in a warehouse - trying to do something that helps the community, but meanwhile everything that Helps People is bad and unfunded right now...
So I've got all this aimlessness in the back of my head, and my job is bugging me (just dumb stuff like my boss making almost twice what i make, and my computer is too fkin slow, and people ignoring rules). And what I know is, that I get really bored when I have jobs that don't feel like they make a difference over time. That's part of my issue with this job. It just feels like I hire people, type shit, and go home, and play block games on my phone, and sleep, and repeat.
I have maybe 40 more years of figuring out what to DO with myself every day, and that's scary. I'm feeling like I'm at the top of the roller coaster, you know? And just wondering what the fuckin point of all this struggle is, besides that people need me. And that's where I realize I'm a pompous ass - nobody knows the fuckin point. We just are born, struggle, and die, and we try to find meaning in the meanwhile. And that's where I'm a little lost - I haven't had to FIND it before, I've had shit to do or been busy. Or, I've had fun - so I didn't need to find meaning, because fun counts.
So, I mentioned to Liz that I need a hobby, and she says to do more with my gardening, so we'll try to start there, but it helps when it's not sweaty degrees outside.