(no subject)

 I posted about Dan's hike for a few reasons:

• I am very proud of him for being interested in this kind of thing, and for training for years so that he can just do it.
• It is freaking beautiful here for I'd say 10 months of the year.  I am a border collie, in that I want all my people together, but if that's not possible you can at least see the pictures & enjoy the beauty with me ;) (Note, I am also a border collie in that without my brain engaged or a task to do, I get wacky)
•  Then there is the wife stuff that is more complicated, but what I was thinking about:
  • he is always full of gratitude for letting him do this stuff and be gone for these long hikes.  And I really want to give him that gift of time to do it, and he would let me go off and do my own thing in an equitable way. I don't (can't) hike like he can, but to him, if I want to go on a girls' trip or whatever, it's just as fair for me to go as it is for him.
  • I do have to pick up the slack with the kids, but the secret thing is that I do that anyway.  He just doesn't have the same automatic "what does everyone else need" scan that I have.  He waits for them to ask, and they don't always ask him for what they need (food. Laundry. company).  So when he's gone, it CAN be a struggle  to Do All The Things, but also at home I'm still captain and he's a lieutenant (at least in Star Trek speak):  Willing to do things, but has less of the border collie about him.
  • That isn't necessarily a good thing in me - to have the manic 'I can't relax until my have-to's are done, so what do people need right now' - but it is me, and a thing I work to calm down sometimes.
  • Sometimes he gets back and if it's been chaotic he's like "I shouldn't have gone" and I don't like that either. It's just - maybe sometimes, not 8-12 hour trips, but most of the time the chaos would happen anyway.  (Uually meg mental health). So if I can tell the Vibes Are Off, I should maybe say 'not so long, this time' but I can't usually tell ahead of time. 
  • Anywho. I was feeling a LITTLE bit resentful because there's all of what I was just describing, and then the context of:  summer camp, vacations, my car, college, meg mental health, ty independence, mom estate, the mental load that I manage because his brain can't do most of that (I could have delegated my car problems to him).
  • He's been cleaning up the pool debris* and mentions how to get rid of it and not being sure and what to do with the space and  And I'm still sad about the pool collapsing I finally had to tell him I have no brainspace for that.  I'm willing to daydream about what we COULD do, but I don't have any spoons for details like 'where to put these railings, and can we throw them away? Do we need to take them to the dump' [for which he doesn't have a pass and was like 'we don't need them for both cars] [i am getting him a pass to the dump, i'm tired of being the 'you're always out anyway so...']
  • *Important: that is the tradeoff, and one reason I feel like our relationship is balanced "enough."   I do not have the energy or spoons for things like 'taking the broken pool apart' or leaf blowing or washing the windows or putting the screens in. He and Anka keep up with the dishes (having a helpful friend living with you is Strongly Recommended)!  Anyway he does the physical house maintenance.  And that's literally as important as the crap I do with my brain to keep the family running smoothly.
• So, bottom line, there isn't any real drama with this, other than acknowledging that sometimes the balance shifts and doesn't feel QUITE fair, but that's a sometimes issue and only threat-level-yellow, not orange or red.
  • And I don't think I'm deluding myself or talking myself into thinking it's enough. I think it really mostly, but sometimes it dips, and it's not easy.
  • And I should get him a pass so he can take debris to the dump.