this is a safe place to feel angry

so, in ongoing saga of 'i didn't get downsized exactly' strange job weirdness, I am still trying to comprehend what's going on, and what the Size of the Problems are.

• I was out with a partner-on-a-project yesterday and I explained that i will be changing roles.  Her response was both encouraging and discouraging!  She said how much of an impact I've made, which is great, and she's bewildered that I'm doing something so different and dare I say boring.
• I always feel snobby when i say that. maybe it is snobby. i'm trying not to be.
• but it set me in a frustrated mood anyway.  we did have a good talk though.
• then i was in a zoom (that we paid for and set up weeks ago so i had to go) and it was about Community School stuff and one big section is "enabling conditions.'  We simply don't have those. We had more of them and lost one when the guy quit.
• so i can acknowledge that we're missing the enabling conditions to make us successful.
• I can also acknowledge that one of the things they said was 'if you do it all yourself it's unsustainable' and I've had trouble getting other people to help.  I spent a little bit of time being sad that I didn't advocate, boss, plead, or push more to GET more help from others...
• then i remembered, 3 weeks ago I wrote up a list of 'here's what i'm doing and these things need IMMEDIATE HELP WITH' and ....i heard about ONE of the things, from another person, and had to followup with it later to confirm it.  AND one of the other things on the I NEED IMMEDIATE HELP WITH THIS list came up yesterday and I still haven't heard anything back.  Cool. 
• So I had to walk around a bit, realize that I'm kind of furious.   I know, 'kind of furious' isn't something we often say.

Yeah, still trying to rewind and review 'things i can control and do differently' in my head. How much fo this shit is my own fault, in other words, and that's such a classic trauma response, isn't it.

my therapist would also point out or invite me to wonder why it takes me so long to get mad, but yeah, it's my final response. being angry wasn't safe, frankly.  I got yelled at for my tone of voice, cried at, begged at,  weirdly made up to, etc when I was growing up, sooo yeah, anger gets turned internally because that's 'safer.'

Anyway.  I have work to do. I guess.