(no subject)

Monday morning:

• I look like a fuckin wreck; i have a nice new sage green blouse and black pants that fit and maroon sneakers that i thought would be fun/cute/comfy but none of these colors work and it needs  some kind of accessory or sweater; my hair is still 'yay mousse to make me big is fun' and i should have washed it; and my nose is red from crying
• i feel like a fuckin wreck as well.
• Here are the sad things:
  • I tried to make mom's bed/change the sheets and i even got nice new sheets but I don't know where the homemade quilt is and I can't ask her
  • I listened to the new taylor swift and the two songs stuck in my head are 'i can do it with a broken heart' and 'i'd rather tear my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitchin and moanin'  and I don't know why that one feels sad
  • all my hobbies feel stupid and a waste of money and space
  • I paid funeral bills and have to Deal with her Car and with mine
    • I can't even get excited about a new-ish car because you shouldn't retail therapy an item that size; plus idk what i want, and this is a thing where dan and i don't get each other
    • i thought i wanted a van but i don't need 5 seats anymore; i don't care about cargo capacity because if I move shit around for work maybe i should have an excuse not to do that; i still wish I could use a kayak but i probably never fkin would, dan is suggesting an odyssey or a honda/toyota beause he's so sick of GM cars breaking weirdly
    • I don't actually need a new car but my GMC has 129k miles on it and the suspension is squeaky
    • mom's car has 69k miles, she owes about 11k on it, and i need to figure out if I'm assuming the loan or letting it get reposessed and i just sent a payment out of her bank acct but i shouldn't hvae done that probably because it's not my bank acct yet or in the 'estate' 
    • i told dan i'd almost rather just have mom's because it's in better shape than mine but again he feels. somewhat done with gm suvs
    • so wtf ever
    • at some point i have to call the bank about the loan and see if i still have 2 options and then at some point i would like to get both cars evalated by a dealer because idk what they think of mine
    • that suggests an afternoon off to Deal with Cars, but idk when

Things that are less sad:

• I did take one of my rx's yesterday a beta-blocker yesterday so i kept myself out of despair & panic, hooray for self-care
• dan ran a marathon and is happy
• I made an eye dr appt and i have dentist appts scheduled and have a phys scheduled too.  SELFCARE.
• i asked HR guy for advice re: afternoon off to DEAL WITH THINGS and he wholeheartedly approved (SELFCARE)