(no subject)

It’s about 4 am and the thing is my mom is dying rapidly. Basically a gallstone caused pancreatitis and a surprise heart valve problem is making her oxygen and heart rate and blood pressure stupid.

im in Florida with Megan.  typing on my phone.
mom was driving from Chris’s house in Ohio to mine in nh and stopped for her usual midway break in Syracuse (about 5 hrs from each of us), had to call an ambulance, etc, early Tuesday..   Chris drove over around 9 and is there now.

The hospital seems good but didn’t see her for a while. We might get mad about that later.

Most of the discussion on Tuesday was about gall bladder, so Meg and I changed our flight to go to Syracuse instead of home, but I kept it for Thursday.  didn’t want to cut the vacation short, didn’t have enough info, and it was the best thing at the time.

it might be too late by the time we get there?

Meg is concerned that I haven’t cried, I started to google that.   I’m sad, but keeping my hopes up even though realistically the doctor is telling my brother she’s shut down.   she’s unresponsive and her heart stopped and they intubated her.

 thinking about things like, I can’t remember what she would want in this situation.  her will and stuff is in a binder in a safe under the bed.  Should a funeral be in her old home or new one? (Probably old one but I’ll check the binder). When and what do I tell work? When should I have Dan come pick up Meg? (We’ll meet up in Utica or something). I think Chris and Michelle should get her car, but I might need it to get home. 

So idk wtf is wrong with me.

im trying not to think things like, should have left here sooner, should have dealt with gallbladder earlier but she was trying to fix with diet.   trying not to brace myself to deal with my brother.  

I know she loves us, I think she knows I love her, I think she’s been very happy.