(no subject)

 anxiety is such an asshole sometimes.

I need to remind myself: it's just an early warning system of something that COULD go wrong.  Remember to tell it 'ok thanks I got it.'

I was reading a little bit about what Adverse Childhood Experiences do to the developing brain, and thinking a bit about my own trauma responses, because I had a big'un yesterday. I survived through a meeting that was about Hard Things and my role was unclear and Hard, and I'm already on what my mom calls 'low reserves,' because Big Festival is this weekend and also ~life~.

I hate that I had a cry-fest, I had good people supporting me, who weren't fazed by it, but it's still so alarming when you DO NOT WANT to cry and have feelings but they insist that you notice them. (Not full on sobs, neither.)

And honestly, my gut says 'i'm scared but it's really fine.' My brain says 'it's really fine although there are risks. AND you're not fully yourself because you got a lot going on.'

ANYWAY, I think the trigger was 'i might be in trouble and I don't even know what for' and that was a BIG THING both when she was sober and when she wasn't.  In Trouble was so weird when I was growing up - and confusing. 

 I also remember having to do mental flowcharts about what to do in case of mom meltdown or freakout or parent fight.