(no subject)

 I had a case of the sundays yesterday that really kicked my ass. Just feeling sad and overwhelmed and if I can explain it right, like everyone was talking to me too much, without listening to me or each other.   Even when that stopped happening I felt just unglued.  Because part of all the talking was 'what are we going to do today' and part of why I needed quiet was to think about the answer and part of my overwhelm is that I probably had 20 ideas over the course of the week and narrowed it down to a couple for yesterday and they weren't approved by the Grandma and Daughter committee.

And the other thing i wanted quiet for was to make a plan for NEXT break so that I can be the boss and say 'this is what we're doing' and people can get excited about it or not, as befits them.

What feels exhausting is that even when I try to do the 'go with the flow' thing that I love about Dan, my mom will be like 'so what's the plan' and I just want her to not delegate to me. I do try to say 'you choose' sometimes then I get a lot of 'what would you prefer' questions and I can't.

I did talk with my therapist about my decision fatigue and how I am starting to recognize that I need help here, and how to ask for it and KEEP asking for it.  It's a whole 'alice is in charge' thing and I'm like, not ALL the time, ok? 

Dan protects me from the barrages but doesn't take on any of the 'pay attention to the kids' stuff; he just always asks them to go outside and they don't wanna.  

I think I'm journaling now to sort out what's an actual Problem vs what's a Perspective thing vs what part of it is my contribution to the whole environment.