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snnnnnnzzzzz
Mar. 19th, 2019 05:03 pmthat was a snore.
i fear i may have a germ! My tummy is a lot better than the other day but my face is all hot & my throat hurts. Keepin an eye on it.
Lot of meetings lately. And accordingly a lot of catching up at the speed of light which is tiring.
AND - managing! I had an intern AND a staff person today, whoa nellie. And committee members. I is learning delegating & managing.
So I am tired.
---
I started taking my BC 2 days ago and between that and the end of my cycle or whatever I am doing a lot better about the panics & the freakouts. I don't want to tell my coworkers "yeah I'm back on my medication" but essentially that's the bottom line. I apparently also freaked out the husband with my mood swinging.
But while some of that was hormonal, some of it was situational, and some is grief.
Tomorrow is an anniversary day of when dad actually passed away. The period between March 9 and March 20 was the worst - actually, no, december 2016 was the worst, when he'd had heart surgery but had internal bleeding that didn't clot and he was drinking while on kumedin so he needed umpteen transfusions and had to go to a skilled nursing/rehab center and it SUCKKKKKED. But March 9 to 20 that's when he was in the hospital and systems were failing but the docs were trying - and because it had been so sad for so long we knew dad didn't even want to bother with this crap anymore and he probably wanted us to let him go then the doctors would try to be hopeful and we were like JUST STOP. Then we felt sad for thinking that and angry and we kicked stuff.
--
So, like i said, part of my mood swings are still from grief. On the work & parenting front, things are really quite okay. Occasionally today I felt like I knew what i was doing.
I had a coach who had us play "what if": in my case, "what if you really DID know how to do this" is the question, and i'm doing a lot better at it. For example a) I have a variety of skills - i can do marketing, strategy, financial, programs, networking. b) There are, in fact, some things i'm less good at (answering every single message; saying no, details) but that doesn't mean i'm terrible at those things or terrible at my job.
c) this is a new field that i'm in. every time my group is with peers in the field we are ahead of the game.
d) There are some objective measures by which i can see we're doing a good job here.
Basically what scares me most is all this super rapid growth. We're adding a location for one of our programs and we're adding 2 programs. I remember last september when some of this was on the horizon, i had to take a deeeep breath and i said i basically needed to hire 4 people ideally but i'd start with one. I probably obsess about this a lot on here but hey, it's a journal, and this whole Big Picture Thinking and strategy and growth - that's all kinda risky stuff! I mean, like, what if we fail? What if we lose money, get sued, lose our reputation...? But like Maia would say, 'what if we succeed, though?'
IDK. It's all new & learning stuff and I'm not perfect.
i fear i may have a germ! My tummy is a lot better than the other day but my face is all hot & my throat hurts. Keepin an eye on it.
Lot of meetings lately. And accordingly a lot of catching up at the speed of light which is tiring.
AND - managing! I had an intern AND a staff person today, whoa nellie. And committee members. I is learning delegating & managing.
So I am tired.
---
I started taking my BC 2 days ago and between that and the end of my cycle or whatever I am doing a lot better about the panics & the freakouts. I don't want to tell my coworkers "yeah I'm back on my medication" but essentially that's the bottom line. I apparently also freaked out the husband with my mood swinging.
But while some of that was hormonal, some of it was situational, and some is grief.
Tomorrow is an anniversary day of when dad actually passed away. The period between March 9 and March 20 was the worst - actually, no, december 2016 was the worst, when he'd had heart surgery but had internal bleeding that didn't clot and he was drinking while on kumedin so he needed umpteen transfusions and had to go to a skilled nursing/rehab center and it SUCKKKKKED. But March 9 to 20 that's when he was in the hospital and systems were failing but the docs were trying - and because it had been so sad for so long we knew dad didn't even want to bother with this crap anymore and he probably wanted us to let him go then the doctors would try to be hopeful and we were like JUST STOP. Then we felt sad for thinking that and angry and we kicked stuff.
--
So, like i said, part of my mood swings are still from grief. On the work & parenting front, things are really quite okay. Occasionally today I felt like I knew what i was doing.
I had a coach who had us play "what if": in my case, "what if you really DID know how to do this" is the question, and i'm doing a lot better at it. For example a) I have a variety of skills - i can do marketing, strategy, financial, programs, networking. b) There are, in fact, some things i'm less good at (answering every single message; saying no, details) but that doesn't mean i'm terrible at those things or terrible at my job.
c) this is a new field that i'm in. every time my group is with peers in the field we are ahead of the game.
d) There are some objective measures by which i can see we're doing a good job here.
Basically what scares me most is all this super rapid growth. We're adding a location for one of our programs and we're adding 2 programs. I remember last september when some of this was on the horizon, i had to take a deeeep breath and i said i basically needed to hire 4 people ideally but i'd start with one. I probably obsess about this a lot on here but hey, it's a journal, and this whole Big Picture Thinking and strategy and growth - that's all kinda risky stuff! I mean, like, what if we fail? What if we lose money, get sued, lose our reputation...? But like Maia would say, 'what if we succeed, though?'
IDK. It's all new & learning stuff and I'm not perfect.