alicevangeline (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
alicevangeline) wrote2024-10-28 03:11 pm
alicevangeline) wrote2024-10-28 03:11 pm
The Depresh
I took Meg to the mall yesterday and she was concerned about my vibes, thought I was was annoyed at her. Had to fess up it's a bit of the Depression acting up.
It got triggered by something so goofy - like, my parents made a BIG WHOPPING DEAL of every holiday and birthday. Mom would do special tablecloths and gifts for valentine's day. If you know, you know.
But Dan and the kids, they like, aren't driven by the calendar in any way. Dates aren't special to them.
I mentioned being worried that nobody would do anything for me and that would be sad, so they're trying to do somethig, and they wanted to know what I want, (yay) but i just...
everything feels dumb and pointless and cluttery and stressful. I tried to point things out to meg at the mall and I just sank kind of further into 'wow, i have no sense of humor or joy right this minute.' On the one hand, it's a good thing bcause clutter is NOT IT, and I am already thinking about dumpsters for all the extra clutter we have anyway. And working on Clothes That Look Professional And Fit is an ongoing project. And 'weekend clothes' that are fun just ...I'm not there. I feel stupid and old and dorky.
And Halloween, like, it used to be fun. But I can't bring myself to dress up. I have no sense of humor about myself right now, and am taking everything too gosh darn seriously, but again with the stupid, old, dorky, and sad.
Meg says the path out of depression is to get out of the comfort zone and try to dress up anyway.
I dug a little deeper, and it's not that far down.
1. I know this isn't true, but it FEELS like without parents the only people I really matter to are dan & the kids. I will acknowledge how important friendships are right now! That's what keeps this from being literally true! I have a few aunts & uncles left and a brother and some in laws, but FRIENDS. We matter to each other. But I'm still feeling the 'so if we go to a cool place, why take pictures? I can't send em to my mom and dad.'
2. My job being more pointless feels even more pointless, because I don't even matter except to a few ppl
3. Which brought me around to, I guess the whole point is to try to find meaning in life anyway. Find joy, find art, find fun. Outside of responsbilities, which is... wild, because at some points of life there is no time without 'responsibilities,' so leisure is a theory. I'm beginning to transition into that - without mom, and with kids being older, there will be a gaping void of 'what do i do with myself.'
last thing for now
related to the above, is a nebulous but renewed commitment to try to start my own business and probably a nonprofit because I know how to do that and see lots of Needs I want to help with, but also dammit, it's so frustrating. Maybe I should be an ostrich anyway.
It got triggered by something so goofy - like, my parents made a BIG WHOPPING DEAL of every holiday and birthday. Mom would do special tablecloths and gifts for valentine's day. If you know, you know.
But Dan and the kids, they like, aren't driven by the calendar in any way. Dates aren't special to them.
I mentioned being worried that nobody would do anything for me and that would be sad, so they're trying to do somethig, and they wanted to know what I want, (yay) but i just...
everything feels dumb and pointless and cluttery and stressful. I tried to point things out to meg at the mall and I just sank kind of further into 'wow, i have no sense of humor or joy right this minute.' On the one hand, it's a good thing bcause clutter is NOT IT, and I am already thinking about dumpsters for all the extra clutter we have anyway. And working on Clothes That Look Professional And Fit is an ongoing project. And 'weekend clothes' that are fun just ...I'm not there. I feel stupid and old and dorky.
And Halloween, like, it used to be fun. But I can't bring myself to dress up. I have no sense of humor about myself right now, and am taking everything too gosh darn seriously, but again with the stupid, old, dorky, and sad.
Meg says the path out of depression is to get out of the comfort zone and try to dress up anyway.
I dug a little deeper, and it's not that far down.
1. I know this isn't true, but it FEELS like without parents the only people I really matter to are dan & the kids. I will acknowledge how important friendships are right now! That's what keeps this from being literally true! I have a few aunts & uncles left and a brother and some in laws, but FRIENDS. We matter to each other. But I'm still feeling the 'so if we go to a cool place, why take pictures? I can't send em to my mom and dad.'
2. My job being more pointless feels even more pointless, because I don't even matter except to a few ppl
3. Which brought me around to, I guess the whole point is to try to find meaning in life anyway. Find joy, find art, find fun. Outside of responsbilities, which is... wild, because at some points of life there is no time without 'responsibilities,' so leisure is a theory. I'm beginning to transition into that - without mom, and with kids being older, there will be a gaping void of 'what do i do with myself.'
last thing for now
related to the above, is a nebulous but renewed commitment to try to start my own business and probably a nonprofit because I know how to do that and see lots of Needs I want to help with, but also dammit, it's so frustrating. Maybe I should be an ostrich anyway.
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