alicevangeline (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
alicevangeline) wrote2024-02-28 02:43 pm
alicevangeline) wrote2024-02-28 02:43 pm
;-P
Oldschool emoji for making the 'icky' face.
So, like everything is stupid and I feel heavy and slow. But also I'm Doing All The Things. My brain is chasing its tail with 'woe is me, no parents anymore, no grandparents, i'm the executor of the will so i gotta be the responsible one yet again' and then remembering 'yeah but you have FRIENDS and CHOSEN FAMILY who have supported you for years, you actually have a great support system' then remembering that's because i always fucking needed it because i always felt like i was carrying the weight.
That's just one of the things. I still haven't had my big stupid cry yet, and I was hypothesizing that it's because this woman has made me cry so many times over the years. I think it's like a type of well that every time somebody makes you cry, the water level gets lower, so it takes more for to activate it, but you feel sadder and more resigned. I think that fucking well got deep with practice. BUT i don't want to think about that, I sort of want to think about how lovely she was, but i don't want to think about her good sides either, because I don't get to have those anymore.
The hundreds of messages from her friends and our family about what an angel she was, are ...something. And she was, she was to so many people, and for the last fifteen years has been that guiding light, and has tried so hard to make up for her mistakes. I feel like a horrible evil queen-judge-combo, because I'm thinking about her flaws as well, and mumbling that 'grief is complicated' to myself, and everyone just says all the nice things. And they're not even wrong, it just feels incomplete. Then I think about all the things she did to help us and I feel selfish for thinking 'she won't be able to help me make dinner anymore, or take the kids to a doctor's appointment, or help with the dishes - these ways that she in fact worked to even the scales and lighten that feeling of 'responsible all the time.' But also, thinking about these scales feels wrong and dumb too. It shouldn't matter. It's not about that.
It isn't about that. But I think about how it was covid time, and i needed help, and she needed company because she was alone in the house, and chris went to italy, so we invited her to move up here, on a new adventure, away from everything she'd known for the last 40 years (but not the 10 before that, she knew east coast in her 20s). I think about how I've been aware of her mortality - partly because of dad, partly because the lady was 75, and we talked about things sometimes. I think about how I tried to make sure she had fun and time with us - i hoped that being up here was a good choice and I tried to keep her happy and enjoy her company. But i complained a lot to my husband. because she was in her 70s and living with your mom can be annoying sometimes, really, even if it's mostly good.
On sunday, every 3rd thought was about not seeing her anymore, today we're at every 10th or so, but I'm leaning into distractions pretty hard. I I've been Sad Blanket Cocoon girl yesterday for a while.
I think maybe I'm protecting myself by being angry and annoyed and keeping busy and distracted and thinking about the bad stuff (which let's be real, i have to do that anyway), and when i think about all the good and sweet and loving and fun I just go lower in the well.
I did laugh at the word executor once or twice. And some customer service people suck pretty bad- one company told me about the 'one-time death benefit' and was not amused when I pointed out that was funny. The bank said 'if it's your mom's account can i speak with her' and I'm like, no, that's the thing. Also I didn't have my 'spiel' down yet because the above is happening in my brain and I left a message for mom's attorney to call me and they emailed her for permission to speak with me and I'm like, 'yo, we have to move from Estate Planning to Estate Administration.' It's all so fucking awkward. Everyone says they're sorry for your loss, which is cool I guess, as humans we basically extend the courtesy to say 'I feel a little sad that you have a sad. to varying degrees of meaning-it-ness.'
My brother and SIL are being okay. They have additional drama going on, and sometimes they make everything stressful and complicated. Good thing this is a journal where I'm allowed to say that. Michelle was like DOES ANYONE HAVE FREAKING MEDICAL POWER OF ATTORNEY and I first of all i already mentioned it a few hours ago that i do, second of all the reason you want it is to get medical records and you and chris want to show up and demand the records in person so that you can sue for malpractice, so take a fucking step back.
Oh, as far as that goes, yeah, you request them ONLINE You don't show up and yell at people so that they Give You What You Want. This is not Italy. She's all 'this is the list of specific documents and records, make sure they give you everything' and chris is on the phone with medical records dept on saturday using the person's name repeatedly. I hate that shit. Come on, man. Give systems a chance to work properly and THEN yell at people.
So I get 5 days bereavement, this is day 3, it's been a little weird for sure. We got back to town on Saturday, then had to go get my car in CT on Sunday. Monday I started trying to Do Stuff. I'm almost out of things I can do -- not entirely. I need some paperwork in order to do other paperwork, and dealing with mom's Stuff and Clothes and Books is a thing that can be done.
If I write this out I might feel some kind of useful so here's what's done:
Things to Do:
- talk to minister back home
- work out with my brother what we actually want to do
- ease back into work ( a couple things feel Looming)
- have that big cry sometime, or not
I decided:
-I will try to work tomorrow because some things need doing and i need normalcy
-i KINDA want to have a funeral here in NH because mom had like a hundred friends in her AA groups but upon reconsideration - 1. I don't actually want to organize that. 2. I don't ACTUALLY want people to come tell me how much they loved her for a couple hours. I might get over myself about this and step up to the plate and do the thing. 3. AA is weird because, obvi, it's anonymous in theory? And, she's lived here 3 years I think, and 2 of those were covid years, so I feel like getting to know people outside of AA groups didn't really have a chance yet. She did get to meet a lot of my friends and neighbors and coworkers. I think people would come, for my sake, but note point 2; and regarding AA friends, I'm not sure it's my responsibility to do that. I mean, technically, her AA life should be separate from mine. Because of the second A, you know what I mean? I did google this and it's a blend of responses between 'just go to existing family services and say you're a friend' and 'have a memorial meeting for the member.' So the decision is that I'm not doing anything more about that, today at least. and I can change my mind and that will be okay.
So, like everything is stupid and I feel heavy and slow. But also I'm Doing All The Things. My brain is chasing its tail with 'woe is me, no parents anymore, no grandparents, i'm the executor of the will so i gotta be the responsible one yet again' and then remembering 'yeah but you have FRIENDS and CHOSEN FAMILY who have supported you for years, you actually have a great support system' then remembering that's because i always fucking needed it because i always felt like i was carrying the weight.
That's just one of the things. I still haven't had my big stupid cry yet, and I was hypothesizing that it's because this woman has made me cry so many times over the years. I think it's like a type of well that every time somebody makes you cry, the water level gets lower, so it takes more for to activate it, but you feel sadder and more resigned. I think that fucking well got deep with practice. BUT i don't want to think about that, I sort of want to think about how lovely she was, but i don't want to think about her good sides either, because I don't get to have those anymore.
The hundreds of messages from her friends and our family about what an angel she was, are ...something. And she was, she was to so many people, and for the last fifteen years has been that guiding light, and has tried so hard to make up for her mistakes. I feel like a horrible evil queen-judge-combo, because I'm thinking about her flaws as well, and mumbling that 'grief is complicated' to myself, and everyone just says all the nice things. And they're not even wrong, it just feels incomplete. Then I think about all the things she did to help us and I feel selfish for thinking 'she won't be able to help me make dinner anymore, or take the kids to a doctor's appointment, or help with the dishes - these ways that she in fact worked to even the scales and lighten that feeling of 'responsible all the time.' But also, thinking about these scales feels wrong and dumb too. It shouldn't matter. It's not about that.
It isn't about that. But I think about how it was covid time, and i needed help, and she needed company because she was alone in the house, and chris went to italy, so we invited her to move up here, on a new adventure, away from everything she'd known for the last 40 years (but not the 10 before that, she knew east coast in her 20s). I think about how I've been aware of her mortality - partly because of dad, partly because the lady was 75, and we talked about things sometimes. I think about how I tried to make sure she had fun and time with us - i hoped that being up here was a good choice and I tried to keep her happy and enjoy her company. But i complained a lot to my husband. because she was in her 70s and living with your mom can be annoying sometimes, really, even if it's mostly good.
On sunday, every 3rd thought was about not seeing her anymore, today we're at every 10th or so, but I'm leaning into distractions pretty hard. I I've been Sad Blanket Cocoon girl yesterday for a while.
I think maybe I'm protecting myself by being angry and annoyed and keeping busy and distracted and thinking about the bad stuff (which let's be real, i have to do that anyway), and when i think about all the good and sweet and loving and fun I just go lower in the well.
I did laugh at the word executor once or twice. And some customer service people suck pretty bad- one company told me about the 'one-time death benefit' and was not amused when I pointed out that was funny. The bank said 'if it's your mom's account can i speak with her' and I'm like, no, that's the thing. Also I didn't have my 'spiel' down yet because the above is happening in my brain and I left a message for mom's attorney to call me and they emailed her for permission to speak with me and I'm like, 'yo, we have to move from Estate Planning to Estate Administration.' It's all so fucking awkward. Everyone says they're sorry for your loss, which is cool I guess, as humans we basically extend the courtesy to say 'I feel a little sad that you have a sad. to varying degrees of meaning-it-ness.'
My brother and SIL are being okay. They have additional drama going on, and sometimes they make everything stressful and complicated. Good thing this is a journal where I'm allowed to say that. Michelle was like DOES ANYONE HAVE FREAKING MEDICAL POWER OF ATTORNEY and I first of all i already mentioned it a few hours ago that i do, second of all the reason you want it is to get medical records and you and chris want to show up and demand the records in person so that you can sue for malpractice, so take a fucking step back.
Oh, as far as that goes, yeah, you request them ONLINE You don't show up and yell at people so that they Give You What You Want. This is not Italy. She's all 'this is the list of specific documents and records, make sure they give you everything' and chris is on the phone with medical records dept on saturday using the person's name repeatedly. I hate that shit. Come on, man. Give systems a chance to work properly and THEN yell at people.
So I get 5 days bereavement, this is day 3, it's been a little weird for sure. We got back to town on Saturday, then had to go get my car in CT on Sunday. Monday I started trying to Do Stuff. I'm almost out of things I can do -- not entirely. I need some paperwork in order to do other paperwork, and dealing with mom's Stuff and Clothes and Books is a thing that can be done.
If I write this out I might feel some kind of useful so here's what's done:
- E-filed a petition to open an estate and mailed my brother a form that needs signed
- dan had already found will. hope it's legit enough because it was done online (Total Legal) and signed by witnesses but not notarized. Also it was signed out of state.
- contacted life ins
- contacted car ins
- contacted aarp (they do the health ins supplement but i'm saving Deal With Health Insurance till later, plus also, they might already know)
- contacted her pension -
- contacted social security - they already know bc funeral home in ny did their job
- replied to her friend's text messages and had some terrible phone calls to people who loved her
- did a facebook notice for her and shared it to me so our friends know
- started an obituary but need some details
- started scheduling services but some things are in the air for that
- froze debit cards
- printed letter to send to equifax (needs certificate but since SS was informed it's not so bad)
- scheduled a meeting with accountant
- trying to schedule a meeting with attorney
- sorted her wallet
- there might be other cards I need to freeze with zero balance but it can wait
- investigated what to do about car but holding off because we're going to transfer title to my bro
- but she still owes on it but there should be some money to pay for that
- cancelled verizon (Hope i won't need two-factor-authentication for anything on her phone!)
- made a real awkward phone call to cancel a doctor's appt she had for tomorrow
- will need to cancel disney & netflix
- chris made a list of recurring charges in her bank acct so that's real helpful, i can make sure that stuff gets handled/turned off
- checked on medical records request 'in process'
- talked to Ohio Funeral home
Things to Do:
- talk to minister back home
- work out with my brother what we actually want to do
- ease back into work ( a couple things feel Looming)
- have that big cry sometime, or not
I decided:
-I will try to work tomorrow because some things need doing and i need normalcy
-i KINDA want to have a funeral here in NH because mom had like a hundred friends in her AA groups but upon reconsideration - 1. I don't actually want to organize that. 2. I don't ACTUALLY want people to come tell me how much they loved her for a couple hours. I might get over myself about this and step up to the plate and do the thing. 3. AA is weird because, obvi, it's anonymous in theory? And, she's lived here 3 years I think, and 2 of those were covid years, so I feel like getting to know people outside of AA groups didn't really have a chance yet. She did get to meet a lot of my friends and neighbors and coworkers. I think people would come, for my sake, but note point 2; and regarding AA friends, I'm not sure it's my responsibility to do that. I mean, technically, her AA life should be separate from mine. Because of the second A, you know what I mean? I did google this and it's a blend of responses between 'just go to existing family services and say you're a friend' and 'have a memorial meeting for the member.' So the decision is that I'm not doing anything more about that, today at least. and I can change my mind and that will be okay.
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